writings under the faerie moon

a soulful destruction

2010-08-27T11:43:00.000-04:00

I've been remembering my dreams this week. I used to remember my dreams almost always, but over the last few years it has come to seem rare to recall what I dreampt, or if I even dreamed at all. I love dreaming and have felt a hole in my life where this rich dream-life used to be.

A couple days ago I dreampt of a home, my home, but no home I know in waking life. The home was single story, built of wood, and surrounded by grasses, bushes, trees, and other homes in a community. Not particularly suburban, unless it was perhaps some 50 years ago or more. There were no fences that I can remember between any homes.

There was a little girl outside and I was with her, perhaps talking, or playing along with a game, or she asking me questions. I felt a kindness toward her, a gentle love and compassion.

My wooden home was a bit dark inside, although the slats of wood had gaps between them and holes where soft bright sunlight shown through. The inner walls were also of these wooden boards - no insulation, no sheet-rock or plaster. Just old wooden boards, green with mold or moss or paint - like a fence. In that way it was very earthy and matched the nature surrounding it.

I recall feelings of deep sadness, beauty, quiet, emptiness, and maybe shame or guilt. I know there were other people and homes, but not who or what anything else looked like, just this snapshot.

The fence-gap wooden home makes me think of skeletal ribs. And I wonder if the home represents my physical self or my mental self or my emotional self. All would prove interesting in analogy. My physical self pocked with symptoms of autoimmune disease - tired weary body, lungs closed and dark, joints creaky, crackly, swollen and sore. My mental self - my brain feeling foggy, sometimes gaping holes that you could shine a flashlight through. My emotional self confused, jumbled and tangled like a mess of yarn.

Or perhaps it represents the overwhelm I feel about my life, my home, my current situation. I'm so far from comfort in all aspects of my life. There is far too much work to be done to get things to a state of decency - one can see the gaping holes. How can this be repaired? One can't abandon their life, they can only alter it from within. Yet there is sunlight streaming through, and that makes it sweet and beautiful. A soulfulness in the destruction.

food for thought

2010-07-08T10:31:00.000-04:00

With the heat wave I spent yesterday morning at an official city cooling center, the Brooklyn Public Library. One of the books I came home with is Bringing Yoga to Life: The Everyday Practice of Enlightened Living. Although every page has an abundance of food for thought, this morning a couple of questions really stood out for me...

*Are my choices supporting what is deeply satisfying in my life?
*Are my choices leading to long-term freedom or short-lived pleasure?

... We make thousands of choices every day... How might our days look different if we asked ourselves these questions throughout?

If we ask ourselves these questions in reference to what we do for work, where we want to live or be, what we want to do for play and pleasure, how would our lives change?

How might my life be different tomorrow if I ponder these questions today?

Even just considering these questions in brevity I find myself seeing where I am holding myself back from deep satisfaction - by choosing to keep living somewhere I do not want to live because I'm afraid that moving will just be a short-lived pleasure. Certainly my choice to be in the city is not creating short-lived pleasure. And I do not yet know if staying here will result in long-term freedom. If I move to the country will it lead to long-term freedom? How am I to know the answers to these questions? There is so much doubt and inner conflict that I find it difficult to find the answer within.

No place like home

2010-06-21T13:18:00.000-04:00

What the hell happened in that 24 hours that flipped the "i heart new york city" switch to "off"?

For two autumns, winters, and springs I have been wooed by the magic, and filled with blissful fondness toward this city... then, seemingly overnight, I had been consumed with a deep unwaverable desire to get the hell out of here and into the country.

The noise, the heat, the R line... I shake my fist at you!

Not even a trip into Manhattan, which usually snaps me right into "magical dream world" mode, could change my heart.

I know what happened, actually, I just don't understand why it had an impact opposite of what I had expected.

We moved. We moved less than a mile from our crappy, dark, stinky, rent stabilized apartment in that wealthy, cut-off from the rest of the borough neighborhood... we moved just in between it and another wealthy neighborhood that we actually like better... except for that pesky R line.

Even this new apartment is better. It's brighter, newer, cleaner, less smelly, closer to everything I like to walk to (except my yoga studio and the F line), it's technically quieter, too... except weekend nights. It's better in every way, except the rent is more. But that shouldn't be enough to tip the scales into loathing.

So, what the heck is my problem?

Mr. B and I have been discussing where it all went wrong. We had this plan to be here for 2 years - for his masters degree. Then the 2 years ended and we each thought the other really wanted to stay. I had been worried about loosing medical care, so was reluctant to willy nilly run off to another city or state. To him, it sounded like I was unmovable (perhaps I was at that moment). He was certain he could get a great job here and would be in demand, so was pulled slightly to stick around. To me, it sounded like he saw great career opportunities here, how could I deny him this? Naturally, we each convinced ourselves we wanted to stay, believing it would make the other happy. The truth is, and has been for years, both of us want to be in Vermont.

I want to go home. And I don't know exactly where that is yet, but I know it's not here. Here is a constant unsettledness of having to move every 6-12 months. Here is a constant knowledge that I will never have the space for real furniture or a garden. Here is endless waiting.

I want a house I can make home, full with cozy furniture and beautiful art. I want some land so I can plant a large garden and dot with chickens and sheep and bee hives. Someday I might want a little swing set and a wee faerie child to swing on it (but not just yet). And I want to open my window or walk out my door and smell grass, trees, flowers, rain, and see mountains and valleys and deer.

With this in mind, I click my heals three times...

anxiety award

2010-04-24T08:56:00.000-04:00

So, I read something today that said immune system functions are inhibited by anxiety... and that made me wonder if somehow, my body is naturally fighting this autoimmune disease (a disease characterized by the over-activity of the immune system) with a constant state of anxiety. Perhaps my anxiety is what has kept the disease so minuscule for so long. I'm certain I've had symptoms of autoimmune disease at least since I was a teenager, and I actually believe I started having symptoms when I was eight, which is the same time I remember beginning to experience anxiety and depression.

I suppose it is possible the disease biologically causes the anxiety, and the anxiety was just another symptom. But I kinda like the idea that the anxiety is a response from my body to suppress the immune system... it's a bit comforting - like something is being done. Like someone is paying attention in there and doing something.

Arg. But this just plays into me finding ways that my biology is responsible for my emotions, rather than my life experiences being responsible for my emotions, which means I just get to feel better (emotionally) because "it's not my parents fault"... huh. It's a damn chicken and egg. If my childhood had been "perfect" would I still have an autoimmune disease? Perhaps if we had heat and I didn't get pneumonia when I was two years old. Perhaps if I wasn't constantly breathing second hand smoke. Perhaps if there weren't drunk and high strangers in my face making me uncomfortable. Yet, if I didn't have an autoimmune disease that wouldn't change my childhood experience.

Okay okay... this doesn't mean my initial idea is false... I just may not win a science award ;)

My Mom The Genius

2010-03-05T13:06:00.001-05:00

When I was about 4 or 5 years old and Christmas was peeking around the corner, my mom and I were making rice crispy treats... quite possibly my all time favorite yummy snack back in the day.

I remember her asking me "Should we make them green and red for Christmas?" My eyes lit up. I couldn't fathom how it would be possible to change the color of rice crispy treats! They were always yellowy-white. Of course, I was giddy at the possibility, and agreed readily.

Her next question nearly caused my heart to stop beating. "Should we cut them into triangles?" What? How? Rice crispy treats were thick yummy squares of goodness! How would you make them into triangles? Again, as I wracked my brain while we melted and poured and mixed I just couldn't figure out how it could come to be.

Then my mom did the amazing - she simply added food coloring - something I had no concept of as a wee person. After the treats had settled and were ready for cutting, she again blew my mind by cutting across the pan diagonally, and then kept cutting diagonally until we had a couple dozen triangles.

And just like that, she transformed regular old rice crispy treats into magical triangular Christmas-colored goodies.

My mom held me in complete awe with her magical powers - her depth of knowledge, her radical "out of the box" thinking. My mom's Christmas miracle elevated her to genius status in my mind.

Although there may have been moments while growing up (generally my teen years) when I was certain my mom was a few cards short of a deck, she has always hovered somewhere between magical and genius. I cherish her exceptional thoughtfulness, knowledge about things that matter to me (like food, and gardening, and power tools), wild creativity, and unbelievable resourcefulness. She has never ceased to amaze me with her wealth of natural skills and abilities.

Controlina and Chaoster

2010-02-19T18:01:00.000-05:00

so, in therapy we discussed the irrational fear of being attacked in my home, which was the topic of the previous entry. i didn't disclose everything to my therapist - about the fear while showering, or the fear of sexual assault. it was only our fourth session, so i'm still not in 100 percent trust, even though i want to be. i still hold back. anyway, we discussed the fear a bit.

my therapist linked my fear of an intruder in my home to my control/chaos stuff. let me explain.

i keep a tight ship. i am the queen of control. i have been for almost as long as i can remember. mostly this manifests as me working to control my emotions and my environment. i need quiet, structure, stability. if i were a superhero i would be Controlina and my arch nemesis would be Chaoster. my superpower? Cold hard rational - i make sense of things and they go away, dissolve, feel better. my weakness - my kryptonite? irrationality - i am powerless against irrationality. i can deal with paradox, but not irrationality. i just can't wrap my head around it because it doesn't make sense.

here's where it gets interesting...
my fears are irrational. and what would someone breaking in need to be (what kind of person?) in order to break into my home and do harm to me? they would need to be "crazy"... completely irrational and out of control. right? no sane, logical, rational person would break into someone's home to harm them.

i am afraid of chaos, of the unknown, of what i can't control.

this may not seem very profound. now that i've written it down it's all very obvious. and certainly my irrational fears haven't gone away just because i figured out one aspect of what they represent. but that, my therapist said, is what we'll uncover in our work together.

i find that terrifying.

afraid of the unseen

2010-01-27T14:51:00.000-05:00

About a week or two ago an old fear came back...

As a child I had an intense irrational fear of snakes coming out of the toilet and shower drain. I wasn't afraid of snakes - I've always liked them. But I was afraid that while sitting on the toilet snakes would emerge to attack me. Or while I washing my hair and had my eyes closed, snakes would come up from the drain to attack me - sometimes I was afraid spiders or snakes would come out of the showerhead, too.

I was unable to alleviate these fears for many many years, no matter how rational I was able to be about it. I knew I was safe. I knew no snakes or spiders could fit through those tiny holes. I knew that it was highly unlikely snakes could make it all the way through the plumbing and up the drains into my toilet or shower. But I was still terrified.

What made matters worse was my long hair... which if seen by me while in a showering situation, sent me into a panic that spiders and snakes were upon me.

I had another shower-related fear, too. But this one developed when I was a little older (maybe late teens, but definitely by college). The terror that someone would break into my home and attack me while I was in the shower - unable to see or hear them. Now, you're thinking "oh, she watched Psycho"... yes, I had seen that film. But it didn't really frighten me. And I wasn't afraid of Norman or his crazy dead mom, or being knifed. Mostly I was afraid of sexual assault.

I dealt with all of these fears by washing my hair very quickly, with my eyes wide open. It was okay to close my eyes for a snap second, but only just. Because even one second was enough to send my fear spiraling out of control - my heart palpitating, my mind racing.

I never could really do much about the snake/spider fear. I just had to keep telling myself not to worry, it's nearly impossible. But when I was old enough to have my own apartment, I dealt with my "stranger breaking in and attacking me while I showered" fear by buying a clear shower curtain.

A clear shower curtain allowed me to always see what was happening in the bathroom, and somehow it eased my fears tremendously. In fact, I don't remember when that fear finally went away, but certainly it's been gone for a decade or so... until last week.

Last week, without any warning, I found myself in the shower... gripped by fear that someone was in the apartment and on their way to the bathroom to harm me.

Where on earth had this come from? Why was this fear back? It has continued daily since it's reappearance, and once last week I was startled when a piece of my long hair brushed against my bare shoulder and I saw the thick darkness of it against my pale skin.

We've gone a few years without having a clear shower curtain mostly because we've had transparent shower doors or roommates who bought the shower curtains before we arrived. And we've had opaque shower curtains for several months without me experiencing this kind of reaction. So, why now? What changed?

When I think about what is happening in my life at this very moment, what comes up for is that I feel so incredibly vulnerable. There are a lot of unknowns right now and I do not feel safe.

The biggest thing that I can grab hold of to make sense of this fear is that my health is wacky - I don't know which way is up when it comes to my body anymore, it's a different ballgame and no one gave me a rule book. I'm increasingly afraid of dying young. I have no issues dying when I'm 75, but when I think of being very ill and dying in a couple years it really scares me - I cry every time I let the thought cross my mind. And even though I've never felt ready to have kids, I'm deeply saddened that I don't have children and probably never will. And I am afraid of my Medicaid not being renewed - that would mean no medical care, which I need because who knows when this disease is going to crank up the volume.

I never expected my 30s to be a terrifying time in my life. I thought I was done with all the fear.

For the moment, I pull the opaque outter shower curtain back so that I can see through the transparent liner... it helps a little, but it doesn't fully soothe my fears. I am meeting with a therapist tomorrow, so now I suppose we'll have something to discuss, haha. I hope we can pull back the opaque layer of my mind and investigate what is on the other side.

The Silent Treatment pt1

2010-01-26T12:04:00.001-05:00

When my dad gets mad at people he shuts them out. He ignores them when in the same room/home, and doesn't contact them if they live apart. Then one day out of the blue, he begins talking to /contacting them again as if nothing out of the ordinary transpired. The unspoken agreement is that everyone just allows this to happen and doesn't address the problem that had happened, or the communication issue. It's rather odd.

I've only lived with my dad a handful of times... as a baby for maybe a year (while my mom and he were together), when I was 10 (for about 4 months), again when I was 14 (for about 5 or 6 months), and then when I was 17 (for about 2 months).

When I was 8 - 11 I would stay with my dad for part of the summer. And from age 8 to 13 I was supposed to stay with him every other weekend. When this didn't happen it was because he didn't show up. And in fact, he'd disappear from my life for months at a time, even though he wasn't mad at me. He simply had a drug problem that had spiraled out of control.

While growing up we'd always had a very positive relationship. He had always been patient, loving, caring, playful, and kind. In fact, he never yelled at me while I was a child, or spanked me. He just didn't believe in it.

The only time he ever yelled at me was in front of his new girlfriend (at the time) when I was 14, and it was a total over-reaction to me not wanting to do the dishes. What 14 year old wants to wash dishes? The way I remember it, he only asked me twice before yelling. If I had been his girlfriend, that would have been my first clue to exit the relationship.

When I was 17 he shut me out over child support payments - something which had little to do with my choices but everything to do with his and my mom's choices. He didn't come to my high school graduation or my graduation party (which was held at his mom's house). I received no acknowledgment for my accomplishment other than a subpoena... he was suing me to end child support payments because I was living in a transitional housing program for homeless teens... the result was a court order to continue paying until I graduated from college (which would be a couple years more in payments than if he'd have not done anything). All of this was extremely painful for me and still impacts my relationship with money today.

A couple years later, once I was attending a WSU, he tried to re-enter my life... his first phone call to me was asking if I could get him Apple Cup tickets. I told him I couldn't, and then bought tickets for me and my mom to go instead. I felt like he was trying to use me for his own benefit. I certainly didn't feel like he deserved anything from me.

Within another year he started pressuring me to graduate early... his girlfriend was pregnant and they needed that child support money that was still coming to me monthly. A whopping $220 a month. I told him "no" because I was not willing to compromise my education.

I sent him holiday cards and a birthday card after that... hoping to still have a somewhat amicable relationship. I didn't hear back. So, I assumed he was ignoring me, and I decided that I was done. I would absolutely no longer tolerate someone coming into and dropping out of my life whenever they felt like it. It had traumatized me emotionally. It was not okay and I felt strong enough to say so.

So, I wrote him a letter from the depths of my pained heart telling him about every negative experience I could remember having in his care (the humiliation, the lies, the abandonment), and everything I had wanted from him (love, communication), and what I saw that stood between us (his greed), and that I would no longer be speaking to him because it was not healthy for me to have him in my life (or popping in and out).

We didn't speak for a decade.

I think it was one of the healthiest choices I could have made for myself. I needed to create stability in my life. I needed emotional safety. I needed to heal.

All of this did come with some added unpleasantness. My dad's family (his sisters, and mom) were very invested in me and him having a relationship. They would urge me to talk to him, call him, try to be in his life. They could not have understood how much pain he had caused in my life. I told them that they only thought I should talk to him because he was my dad. If he had been a spouse and had treated me the way he treated me, they would have applaud me for getting out of an abusive relationship and would have told me never to look back. But because we share some DNA I should forgive him and allow him to make up the rules that determine how our relationship work. All but my Grandma eventually stopped talking to me... By shutting out an abuser, I lost most of my family.

Today I am not close with my dad by any means. He refuses to discuss anything that happened in the past, any choices either of us made, our not talking for years. He won't even acknowledge it. But he must be hurting, too. We send emails a couple times a year. Mainly I think he just wanted to create a connection between me and his 12 year old daughter, my youngest sister. I suppose that means he thinks I turned out okay. She and I communicate through email weekly, sometimes more or less. And I hope it has been a positive experience for her. It has been for me.

As I think about my dad's way of coping with his emotions - to shut out people - I can't help but think about my own way of dealing with my emotions. Mostly I tell people how I feel when or soon after I've recognized what I'm feeling. Sometimes it takes me a lot of time to sort it all out. I don't often get upset enough to shut people out, but sometimes I do... but the only person I really do this with is my partner. And it tends to be because what I feel is wholly overwhelming... if I truly let it through I will rage or cry or say something very very damaging. And in all honesty this is a terrifying thought. I certainly do not want to go wild with rage at my partner, or sob uncontrollably. And under no circumstances do I want to say anything hurtful or damaging.

But ignoring someone causes them pain, too. I know this firsthand. And as I imagine how my partner must feel when I am so angry that I ignore him for a whole day, I feel guilty. I don't want to cause that kind of pain. The upside is that, unlike my dad, once I've done some thinking on whats going on for me, I am able to talk about whatever happened. And I am able to even talk about how I used silence and why.

But the truth is that my dad's tools won't work for this job. I need new tools to deal with my emotions. I need tools that heal and join. I need tools that nurture connection and provide understanding.

so far so good

2010-01-13T15:08:00.003-05:00

had my intake appointment at the Karen Horney Clinic... the place is comfortable and attractive, accessible by my nearest train, and i get the feeling that the therapists are competent. i'm quite hopeful and even a bit excited to start therapy there. i kinda wish i had found this place first.

in other news, i've actually been feeling really good lately. perhaps ive mentioned this. i totally attribute it to taking vitamin D. MisterB (my sweetie, who is a 2nd yr MSW student) says that in one more week i will no longer meet the criteria for Dysthymia! that is pretty freakin' exciting! i think it's been near 5 years since i last did not meet the criteria, so this is a bit of a milestone.

i actually feel very spiritually connected, too... something i haven't felt strongly for a couple years. Mister B and i were discussing Maslow's hierarchy of needs and how this relates to spiritual connection. if our other basic needs aren't met (food/shelter/love/safety/health) we can have difficulty experiencing spiritual connection. once our basic needs are met, our minds are more open to experiencing that connection. MisterB explains this much better than i just did... but you get the idea.

i've found that when i'm feeling very unwell (not just having a cold, but long-term unwellness due to my connective tissue disease) i can't buy into the spiritual beliefs/teachings that i am easily able to connect with when i feel well. for example, when i feel well i absolutely know that the universe is conspiring to shower me with gifts and joy and goodness. when i feel unwell i feel apathetic about this idea or like it's B.S. when i feel unwell, im unable to meditate or really get into spiritual books that, when im well, i typically enjoy.

right now, im enjoying being able to connect to my spiritual self. i feel positive, joyful, and hopeful... even though i still feel somewhat physically unwell.

the only thing that has changed in the last few months is the vitamin D. although i suppose i have eaten an extraordinary amount of cheesecake lately, lol. still, im betting it's the vitamin D and not the cheesecake that is making all the difference :)

frustrated incorporated

2010-01-09T05:37:00.006-05:00

i am so frustrated by my experience at LICH that I don't even want to talk about it any more, although you know i'm about to talk about it. i have never so wholly been treated like a non-person in every office in an entire organization. partly, because i haven't had to receive "services" or be "in the system" in more than 10 years. i guess i got so used to being a person over the last decade that i find it appalling when i'm not treated like one. still, there are others who have never been treated like a person in their entire life because they have always been "in the system." that makes me sad and angry.

the system sucks.
it is supposed to help, but it oppresses.

what i am proud of is that i decided to take action to make a change and not tolerate the shitty health care.

i will no longer be receiving any of my health care through LICH. i had to spend at least 3 hours in a waiting room every time i went to an appointment, and had to go to a different department to see a different doctor for every health service need. my gynecology specimens were lost and had to be retaken (i refused to come in for a THIRD appointment to get results and insisted they call me with results). i was repeatedly told to take Tylenol by different doctors (Tylenol only MASKS pain and does nothing for the inflammation which causes the pain i have), and when i asked for a referral for therapy for coping with all that was going on, my doctor seemed reluctant and surprised. i didn't even feel like i could ask for other referrals.

my luck with the LICH psychiatry department was just as poor... (i don't need a psychiatrist - i don't need medication, i need a social work therapist - i need to be heard and asked powerful questions!) The LICH psych nurse totally pushed medication (i know it's her job, but that wasn't why i was there!) and the therapist did not treat me as a whole person, seemed to work really hard at keeping my stuff at the surface level (rather than helping me go deeper), and then kept asking what my goals in therapy were. uh, we've covered that... im in crisis! help me cope with a chronic health condition. help me cope with being treated like a non-person in a system that is supposed to be helping me. help me heal my emotional wounds so that i can have healthy relationships with more than one person at a time!

really, she only needed to competently do one thing - listen. she failed. i think my poverty made this therapist uncomfy. i think she couldn't hold my fear and anxiety. i think it doesn't matter because i won't be seeing her again.

i stand firmly by my belief that therapy should not cause a person to leave more distressed than they came in. same goes for routine medical care.

Solutions:

i called a therapy clinic in Manhattan that my friends in social work school keep raving about as phenomenal... turns out the place takes Medicaid... and on the phone they treated me like a real person. so far, so good. next week, i'll call back to make an intake appointment.

i also called Medicaid and switched my primary doctor to someone at the clinic i went to last year (pre-Medicaid). i had some pretty thorough care at that clinic and felt like i was taken seriously and treated like a whole person (except, ironically, by the social work intern who helped me get on Medicaid). in fact, the doctors had actually involved me in my health care, asking me what i thought was going on and what i wanted in my care. they didn't try to push medication of any kind (although it was offered when required/needed), and even suggested "alternatives" - licorice tea for my sore throat at the time, art expression (for depression/coping with stress), physical therapy (for my hip). i truly appreciated the experience i had there.

i should have just gone back to this clinic in the first place. but the doctor i saw was a resident and wasn't there any longer... and i was worried if i got sick i wouldn't be able to make it there easily, and i needed to know i could get there easily. i also assumed i'd get just as good of care at any clinic that took Medicaid. i was wrong.

all care is not equal.

diagnosis ridiculous

2009-12-13T15:15:00.001-05:00

Last week I was diagnosed with a systemic autoimmune disorder called Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease. (UCTD)

The immune system's job is to help keep the body healthy by fighting invading bacteria and viruses. With an autoimmune disease, the immune system becomes confused and overactive. This means my immune system is attacking my own cells thinking they are bacterial/viral invaders. (This is different than HIV/AIDS where the immune system is under-active and unable to fight off invading bacteria and viruses.) Autoimmune diseases are thought to be caused by environmental influences and/or genetic predisposition - they aren't contagious or transmittable.

Systemic means it affects my whole body.

Connective tissue is the "glue" that supports and connects various parts of the body; it includes skin, cartilage, muscles, and other tissue in the joints and surrounding the heart and lungs and within the kidney and other organs.

The undifferentiated part means the symptoms I currently experience match symptoms common among several different autoimmune diseases like Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Sjogren's Syndrome. And even though I do test positive for Lupus and negative for the other autoimmune diseases, there aren't enough characteristics of a well-defined disease (like Lupus) to make the diagnosis.

Autoimmune diseases have no cure. There is a 50/50 chance my condition will develop enough to diagnose it as Lupus. Which means there is also a 50/50 chance it will remain as it is and the symptoms will never progress.

There are some medications available, but the medications tend to be toxic and the side effects are more awful than what I'm already experiencing. Currently, I'm taking Vitamin D supplements to see if that alleviates any of my symptoms before I agree to take any other medication.

With my cells being so busy kicking their own asses, it leaves the rest of me with very little energy. Some symptoms come and go. Others seem to be a permanent fixture. Essentially I’ve felt like I’ve had the flu for a couple years (achy muscles, joint pain, fatigue, lungs are tight, random fevers for no damn reason, nausea, dizziness). I do have other non-flu symptoms, too (like depression, Raynauds, migraine-like headaches with vomiting, confusion, memory difficulty, etc).

Looking back, I believe this has actually been in development since I was a kid or teen, and has only become more prevalent in the last 5 years. Five years ago I was extremely ill for three weeks with what looked like an extremely bad flu but no one around me got sick - not one person. I was planning to leave my job to become self-employed anyway, so they released me. To help make ends meet over the last 5 years I have tried all kinds of part-time work - mostly temp jobs. But every time I’ve started working I’ve gotten sick within a couple of days. Totally. Not. Normal. I just thought I was sensitive, or that it was my mind rebelling against office work by getting my body to play sick, lol. I had no idea there was something more serious going on. Certainly I feared this possibility, but I didn't believe it.

Over the last couple of years my activity has dwindled considerably as the disease activity has picked up. I'm just not able to be as active as I want to be - when I push myself too hard I get sick. And what is now considered "pushing myself" is pretty lame. I continue to create art for self-expression and income as much as I can. I don't really have the energy to do the marketing and sales in order to have art support me financially. And I really do not have the energy to continue with my coaching practice, and am no longer accepting new clients. This does leave me in a bit of a financial quandary.

I hate admitting this stuff - the exhaustion and lack of energy especially. I've always prided myself on being a strong trooper who pushes through even if I'm not feeling well. So having to slow down (and often do nothing) is hard for me. In fact, a lot of the symptoms really push my ego-buttons. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, or tell me how strong I must be, or think I'm full of shit, or be afraid to talk to me, or tell me to buck up, or be mad at me. I don't need advice, or encouragement, or discouragement, or admonishments, or to be told how to feel or think. I don't need anything at the moment besides being allowed to be wherever I'm at in the moment. Listening and nodding is enough.

There is some grieving I will be doing around all of this over the next few months as I work out what all of this means for me.

not freaking out

2009-10-19T19:48:00.002-04:00

okay, so my lab results came back and my doc says they "hint at lupus." so, we meet again in three weeks to check in and then she's referring me to a rheumatologist who can look over my charts, recommend additional testing, and monitor my condition.

im not really phased by it this time around... (a year and a half ago a doc told me i had lupus [and later called me to say i didnt and more tests needed to be done])... apparently i actually got all of the freaking out done back then.

here's what i think helps me not be in freak out mode:
1. i actually feel pretty healthy (and have for several months).
2. the doc says the tests indicate my organs are healthy.
3. im certain im going to live a long and healthy life (regardless of any disease).
4. my doctor is taking me seriously, and isn't freaking out.
5. my partner (Mr B) isn't freaking out.
6. ive already researched all this and freaked out a year+ ago.

ive also got upcoming appointments with the psych department in order to get a therapist, in part to help me cope with this. im quite excited about the chance to receive therapy and a irritated at how long it's taking to get this part rolling.

a bit

2009-10-05T22:28:00.002-04:00

feeling a bit better. although i use "a bit" loosely.

started doing ceramics again a few weeks ago and that gives me something to funnel my energy and emotions into. or perhaps it gives me a place to escape said emotions while actually finding some energy.

im a bit frustrated that the clay is so damp - it's difficult to work with and impossible to keep centered.

today i threw a planter, two herb jars (with one lid), and a mug. a bit of a hodge podge, but since im just getting going again i'm willing to be flexible about what i create.

oh, mercury is out of retrograde. maybe things will make more sense for a bit.

heavy hearted

2009-09-30T16:44:00.003-04:00

my heart has been so heavy the past couple days. i just feel like i want to cry, and often do with little provocation. im not really sure how to deal with this. do i just sit down for a cry? do i journal? is there some way to work through how i feel so that there is release and healing? what is my problem?

the only thing i can think of is to keep busy. don't let the sadness take over. keep it at bay with busy hands.

so, i tried going to the ceramics studio for open studio hours but the doors were locked. i came home and started messing about my art studio, listening to music. i made some phone calls so i could check those things off my to-do list. i put a couple hours into an online game i got into over the summer. i worked on gifts for people (im practicing cards with pop-outs using construction paper). i worked on photo organization. and im running out of stuff to "do."

i dont really feel like doing a whole lot of creative self-expression activities. but eventually im going to have to just stop doing and just be in the emotion.

Paradox

2009-09-25T21:47:00.004-04:00

Often times I struggle with how to deal with the paradox of having power and privilege in some areas of my life (being white, appearing/passing as heterosexual, having a college education, having English as my first language), while in other areas of my life experiencing systematic oppression (being queer and female, growing up in poverty, navigating the bureaucracy of government assistance). How I view myself conflicts with how I actually experience the world around me.

I see myself as an empowered, healthy, educated, white, woman, but when I interact within American systems of power and privilege / oppression (it's paradoxically both!) there are ways in which any empowerment I feel is undermined and where I experience a deep sense of helplessness and powerlessness. For example, waiting for 6 hours at a clinic to see a social worker for Medicaid screening before I can finally access a doctor for my immediate illness, or even the 10 month process of trying (and retrying) to get Medicaid.

As I move through these systems I find myself feeling embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, powerless, and insignificant. And as I am often treated as such, my self-confidence drops and I find it difficult to speak up for myself or ask for what I need.

There is internal conflict between who I see myself as / who want to be (an agent of change, someone who empowers others, someone who can buy what she needs when she needs it), and how I experience the world / who I am (someone who feels helpless and powerless while navigating our social services as a client, and someone who has so little money she feels the need to comparison shop for 8 months over a $9.50 brush although her old one is down to only a dozen bristles).

I still don't know how to deal with the paradox. Can I be both empowered and dis-empowered at the same time? How do I hold onto any sense of empowerment I feel when I experience this deep sense of powerlessness?

out of practice

2009-09-20T18:22:00.004-04:00

as i was sitting in contemplation today, it occurred to me that about 20 years ago (while i was a teenager) i began cutting out from my life the things that brought me joy. the one that stood out in my mind was singing. the only thing i really wanted to be while i was growing up was a singer. well, specifically a rock star, but whatever. so, in middle school, as soon as choir was an available elective, i began singing publicly. i loved it. i loved the public recognition. i loved expressing myself through song.

so, what was it that made me choose to stop being in choir?

i can think of a few things that really caused me to make such a choice.
1. we moved a lot. so, although i was being recognized by my teachers (who wanted me to try out for various singing groups in the next grade), every time we moved i had to start over in a new school where i didn't know the teacher and they didn't know my ability.

2. there was a lot of conflict within the group. at one school i actively participated in this type of drama, and was disgusted with myself for getting sucked in. i didn't want to hurt other people, and i didn't want people trying to engage me in conflict either.

3. although i received some recognition from teachers, i had little or no support from my family. i only recall one occasion that anyone in my family came to see me perform and it was a struggle to get them there - a whole two blocks from our house. without family supporting my interests, just by showing up, i started to look for adults who would be there for me, and found this in youth activism.

i miss singing. i miss performing. but now i feel so out of practice. i did get some of what i needed when i started taking violin lessons a couple years ago. but it's not the same.

i wish i'd have found a different way to deal with the inner conflicts, and i wish i'd have found an adult to support my singing. perhaps i'd have made a different choice about it and my life would be just slightly more satisfying today.

not sure how i'll move forward on this one.

giving voice to my experiences

2009-09-18T19:12:00.007-04:00

i think maybe it's time to start blogging again. it's been a LONG time. and i think i may have thoughts and feelings and experiences i need to give voice to. and you should be warned, they aren't pretty and flowery... well, some could be. but by and large they are of the "looks like i'm battling depression" variety.

i'm struggling right now. that's probably not really new. technically i've been struggling my whole damn life. but there was a period of about 6 years in my mid-twenties when i was taking anti-depressants and my life felt pretty free from struggle... until i decided to stop taking anti-depressants about 4 years ago.

actually i'm not certain how much "choice" i really had in the matter... when it came down to it, i could either continue to buy anti-depressants or i could continue to pay rent and buy food. i could not continue to do both. i no longer had medical insurance, so i paid out-of-pocket for my medication for 8 months until i could no longer afford it. then i had to taper off the medication and start my long descent into the hell that is... well, whatever this is, it's surely not truly who i am or the life i am meant to live.

so here i am. i'm confused, exhausted, angry, sad, terrified, stagnant, impinged upon, and isolated. and this is just how i feel on a typical day. on a good day, i feel better. on a bad day, worse.

i find that i don't want people to know i'm struggling, or know how i'm feeling. they might feel sorry for me. and i hate it when people feel sorry for me. or they might blame me. and i hate being blamed. they might hold me up as some sort of example. and i hate being an example. they might tell me what to do. and i really hate being told what to do.

i can't imagine what my life looks like from the outside. but from the inside, it's a pretty lonely and painful place. it is in this blog that i will try to give voice to my experiences, with the hope that this will be therapeutic and offer me some relief.

squares of goodness

2009-04-09T10:15:00.003-04:00

i shall meet my love
in squares rich with life's goodness
then we shall hang out

one's possessive rule
amongst soft squares of plush goodness
the blue monster plays

i'm really liking goodness and squares. i could do a whole book of haikus just featuring squares of goodness... makes me think of brownies or baklava (before it's cut).

New Artisans Market!

2009-03-13T09:31:00.003-04:00

I just opened up shop in a new online marketplace... 1000 Markets, an emerging market for artisans.

Right now, I'm adding light switch plate covers, and expect to add my paintings and other pieces over time. Come take a look at my shop - and browse other shops in the marketplace, too!

Next stop - Rome!

2009-03-04T23:14:00.004-05:00

So, DB has a summer internship in Europe... and since we love to be together, and it costs just as much to be apart as it does to travel together, there is no sense in spending the summer apart when we can tour Europe for 3 months. Am I right?

Our first stop is Rome, where we'll be for a week. Then we'll head to Switzerland where we'll set up camp. On weekends we'll make journeys together, and during the week we'll live in our Swiss town, and I'll likely do some adventuring on my own. We don't have the rest of our itinerary planned out yet, and that is part of the fun! We have been discussing Germany and Scotland for the last couple weeks of our trip before we return to the US.

Now... I'll just have to find some portable types of art that I can do while I'm living out of a suitcase!

Of course... I'll also be posting my travels here, for you.

2008 Handmade Gift Guide

2008-12-01T16:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,

I just love sharing with you my favorite artists, artisans, crafters, and entrepreneurs from around the world! I love that there are so many people out there making unique creations by hand, and that these beautiful creations are accessible to so many of us via the internet. This year, the list is exclusively sourced from my favorite place for all things hand made - Etsy.

Perhaps within these shops you will find some unique gifts to share with your loved ones this holiday season.

Buy handmade. It's good for you.

In Celebration of You,
Amy

GREETING CARDS & BOOKS

WovenMoon.etsy.com
Charlotte, NC
Limited edition couture cards and gifts.

LaurenAlexander.etsy.com
Overland Park, KS
Adorable art and packs of greeting cards

moderncard.etsy.com
Martha’s Vineyard, MA
Blank, birthday and holiday cards – beautifully done.

KupoKiley.etsy.com
Eugene, OR
Handmade books for the serious writer.

malien00.etsy.com
Portland, OR (?)
Colorful greeting cards, notecards and pins.

EmilyBalivet.etsy.com
Vermont
Gorgeous mythological Goddesses, art nouveau divas, Celtic witches, psychedelic sorceresses, and medieval damsels.

takeiteasy.etsy.com
Los Angeles, CA
Handmade books, cards and whimsical whatnots.

CLOTHING

kimmchi.etsy.com
Brooklyn NY
Silkscreen on American Apparel shirts – including men's!

ellembee.etsy.com
White Lake, MI
Hand printed shirts for women, messenger bags and jackets.

Ahpeele.etsy.com
Raleigh, NC
Men’s and women’s clothing.

MariaElena.etsy.com
Duluth, MN
Fairy wings for grown ups!

nodemo.etsy.com
Toronto, Ontario
For the teen (or geeky-cool grown up) in your life.

shellmitchell.etsy.com
San Francisco, CA
Because fingerless gloves are way too cool.

kittyempire3.etsy.com
Nelson, BC Canada
Wallets, bags and accessories.

CHILDREN

threeredtrees.etsy.com
Kansas City
Adorable sock dogs and cats.

cherry6goddess1.etsy.com
La Mesa, CA
Cute little plushies – including penguins, pigs and hippos!

PerfectChildren.etsy.com
Portland, OR
Impossible plushy animals for your wee one’s imagination.

FOR YOUR KITTY

FluffyFlowers.etsy.com
Macon, GA
Catnip anyone?

FINE ART

natashawescoat.etsy.com
Bay City
Beautiful fine art prints and posters

karenfaulknerart.etsy.com
Pennsylvania
Gorgeous original watercolors at very affordable prices.

JEWELRY

WhimsiGals.etsy.com
Newcastle (?)
Goddess brooches and dolls

JulieSuzanne.etsy.com
Toronto, Ontario
Fun art pendants

woundaroundjewelry.etsy.com
Clinton, TN
I love the beautiful wrapped copper bracelets!

allthosethrees.etsy.com
London, England
Handcrafted ecological jewelry.

blockpartypress.etsy.com
Baltimore, MD
Unique and colorful cuff links, tie-tacks, pendants, and earrings.

waterfall.etsy.com
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Glass rings and beads

silentgoddess.etsy.com
Port Orchard, WA
Rings, pendants, bracelets and earrings for the goddess.

ETC

westernartglass.etsy.com
Minneapolis, MN
Glass art – pay particular attention to recycled beer bottle art – very cool!

Xanadu2You.etsy.com
Tacoma, WA
Amazing copper wire creations – bowls, containers, etc. Wow!

lewasdesigns.etsy.com
Gilbert, AZ
Decals galore! Decorate your walls, your laptop, your car... What else ya got?

tlwoldc.etsy.com
Fair Oaks, CA
Handspun fibers and yarn, knitted wrist warmer patterns, pregnancy aromatherapy, music, and more!

GeekGear.etsy.com
Westfield, NJ
Desk-gear made from recycled computer parts... for the coolest geek in your life.

OhWhatIf.etsy.com
Minneapolis, MN
Hand-woven rugs from recycled cotton

akcupcake.etsy.com
Anchorage, Alaska
Oven mitts, aprons and bicycle seat covers, oh my!

Against Myself

2008-11-06T12:08:00.004-05:00

I'm struggling.

I went to the doctor last year because the circulation in my fingers got wonky. I figured they'd tell me to wear gloves and keep warm. I didn't think it was anything big or important or whatever. Then all these blood tests were ordered and there was all this hoopla from my doctor about collagen vascular diseases. In fact, he eve made a diagnosis of Lupus right there. Of course, he called me later that day to say he isn't really familiar with Lupus and talked to a Rhuematologist who suggested more testing needed to be done before a diagnosis could be made.

More testing was done and I was told I don't have Lupus right this moment, but there is a chance I'll develop it. My achy hips, knees and wrists were chalked up to my overactive imagination. My fatigue and headaches were ignored and not even written down in the doctor's notes. The rash across my knuckles (something I've never ever had or even seen before!) was attributed to too frequent hand washing (although I wash my hands only about 4 times a day).

And although I just came in one day casually asking about my fingers - is this normal? - I left the two month experience of blood tests and scary diagnoses from this doctor feeling like I'd been the one who came in asking if I had Lupus when really I'd just had the sniffles or something.

I decided that this rural doctor wasn't taking me seriously and since he'd admitted he had no experience with these kinds of diseases (autoimmune diseases) I decided to wait until I got to NYC and find a doctor that knew what they were doing.

(FYI - an autoimmune disease happens when a person's immune system gets confused about which cells belong to itself and which cells are outside viruses and bacteria, and starts attacking it's own cells.)

After arriving in NYC I started experiencing a bunch of strange health-related things. I went to a local clinic and the doctor there really seems to listen and take me seriously. That is a huge relief.

I'm gathering up medical records as far back as I can to help my doctors try to figure out what's going on with me. And I'm trying to get health insurance so I can get more tests done. This part is exhausting. The damn person who can answer my questions about filling out the insurance paperwork hasn't returned my four calls over the last two weeks and the clock is ticking. The longer it takes me to turn in the paperwork, the longer it will be before I can get medical care. And with many illnesses, time can often be a huge factor in prevention major damage.

I've been reading up on autoimmune diseases and there are only a couple that really match what I'm experiencing. The rest do not. But it's scary. If I do have (or develop) one of these diseases it is necessary that they find it now.

It's hard for me to ask for help. I'm extremely self-reliant, independent, and (a bit embarassed to say) proud. I don't want anybody to think I'm weak or helpless or needy. And I certainly do not want to be treated that way. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. And I don't want anyone to think I'm just trying to get attention. This is not the kind of attention I seek (when I do seek attention).

Even though I know that having an illness isn't something to be embarassed about I actually feel a lot of embarassment around it. Especially right now when it's unclear exactly what the illness might be. And what if the doctors say there really is nothing wrong - then what does that mean about all these symptoms I'm experiencing? What the hell is causing them?

I'm torn between wanting to find out what is wrong, and just declaring that I'm okay. Such a declaration feels like denial, and sounds like something that will end up making me sicker. Trying to find out what is wrong feels like I'm a big cry baby who is taking things too seriously.

Emotionally, every option feels crappy because I'm scared.

get 'er done

2008-10-07T09:58:00.005-04:00

The ups and downs of a chronic illness make me motion sick.

It's really when I experience too much stress or too much activity that my immune system's knees buckle and without the fort secured I end up getting invaded (ie sick). And when there is an invasion in my body, it's not just a neighboring country - it's a full on universal effort - every country and neighboring planet wants a crack at it. No cute little tummy ache or sniffles for me.

No, my body gets hijacked by viruses, bacteria, and what can look like downright poor upkeep with the seriousness of an accountant, and the determination of an IRS auditor.

We're talking simulataneous multiple illnesses, all impacting different systems.

We're talking "stump the doctors" with how many different unrelated things are happening as they try to find an underlying connection or cause.

You'd think the invaders were planning their stradegies together for decades - Shock and Awe - that's how quick, skilled and successful they can be.

My body is the ultimate multi-tasker. True story. As walls across the vast fortress that is my body crumble and invaders file in and get settled, somehow my body still manages to launch multiple counter attacks all over the place, taking down each illness.

It takes a bit longer to heal from multiple illnesses when you're stressed out and have a chronic condition (especially when the particular illness doesn't seem to have a source/reason/cause and therefore medication determinations becomes a guessing game). Anyway, the job still gets done (until one day, it doesn't).

All Eyes

2008-10-01T09:32:00.005-04:00

There are many things to like about Brooklyn. The food, the people, the proximity to everything one needs to be near, the friends, the stoop sales, the thunder and lightening storms, the culture, the rampant availability of the ice cream truck during all four seasons, and of course the comedic bickering and banter one hears just about everywhere.

But one thing I love about Brooklyn that I never expected was how often I hear "Miss, you have beautiful eyes, God bless you." No kidding. People literally insert this phrase into the middle of conversations with other people as they are passing by.

The reason this compliment is worth mentioning is because I was a bit worried when I moved here about getting too much attention... specifically, attention aimed at my chest - which was a constant theme while living in Boston regardless of what kind of shirt I was wearing.

Having the attention focused on my eyes makes me feel like I'm somehow less objectified (eyes are the window to the soul), like I'm somehow in a more wholesome environment - more wholesome than a puritanical bedrock? Um, yeah.

Anyway, I do have beautiful eyes. Thank you for noticing.

somewhere

2008-08-27T10:04:00.003-04:00

I love that I'm somewhere, instead of everywhere. Although it may seem by the following list that I'm still everywhere and not just somewhere. The key difference is that the everywhere I am currently is more contained so that it can rightly be called a somewhere rather than an everywhere.

August has been flitting by at full speed, and I've been lucky enough to be able to relax a bit in addition to tackling the daily and weekly To Do lists that come with moving to a new city.

Here's a run down of my month.

Dinner in Brooklyn's Chinatown
Trader Joe's in Manhattan is mobbed!
Subway riding
Listing our Yaris for sale
Budgeting
Searching for the perfect coffee shop
Reading
Fudgcicles and Ice Cream Sandwiches
Apartment hunting
Tuesday Trivia Night at Black & White in Manhattan
Investigating the local food co-op
Amazing Indian food at Bombay Grill
Moving the car twice a week for street cleaning
Chess
Nail polish and polishing my nails for the first time in 2 years
Laundry
Stoop sales (rather than yards or garages)
Hanging out with local friends
A trip to the beach
East Village
Little Italy
Thai lunch special
Securing space in a ceramics studio
Learning to use my sewing machine

I think I have a buyer for the car, and it's possible we won't have to find an apartment (the person we're subletting from may not be returning in October as previously thought). I've been extremely fortunate enough to become an assistant in a ceramics studio for 6 hours per week where I'll learn glaze mixing and other such important skills. In exchange, I can use the facilities (space, clay and glazes) for my own personal work.

I think that pretty much catches you up, although there are a few details missing that would make for lively stories. If I ever think of them again, I'll be sure to share.

Sunday Scrabble

2008-08-03T19:05:00.002-04:00

Wiper
Tax
It
Ex
Park
Keg
Groan
in
Ovals
Fat
Ta
Labile
Valet
Visit
Wagons
Judged
Wept
Ped
Booth
Beet
Buck
Yack
Zen
Ye
An
Cay
Herald
Hauls
Rims
Nudes
Sin
Fond
Tango
Moor
Am
No
Go
Nor

Arrival

2008-08-02T09:09:00.000-04:00

So we've arrived. We are officially resident's of New York - even if New York isn't aware of this.

We have a few things to take care of before we can switch over our drivers licenses... such as obtaining mail with our current address on it, and finding the local DMV. All in good time.

And since we're on the topic of driving... we have to sell our car because our insurance nearly tripled. Ouch! We had definitely not budgeted for such a steep increase.

Our temporary apartment for two months is near chinatown in Brooklyn, and our roommate is possibly the least offensive person ever. I could not be happier.

Our room is a soft minty green and actually goes well with our orange bedding from back in Boston when we had a vibrant blue room. Our room also came with a dresser, futon bed, a chair, a couple lamps on little tables, and an air conditioner. It was a relief to not have to worry about moving/buying furniture. We can tackle that when we get our permanent place in October.

For now the focus is on getting reacclimated to the city, finding a favorite neighborhood, and hooking into resources.

deleted scenes

2008-07-30T07:46:00.001-04:00

6/17 - we continue our search for a watering hole... literally - a decent place to water our swimwear.

6/19 - researching hostels we find the Lucky 13 Ranch for boarding horses.

the smallest offenders... juvenile fish... must be transported to a maximum security lake under the strictest care.

6/21 - can I just say that we'd have never gone ghost town hunting if they weren't highlighted on the damn map in the first place!

7/2 - i was so excited to find tree forts lining the Wisconsin highway in these somewhat remote fields - "DB! Look! Tree forts! I want one!" then i was horrified... "Wait! Those aren't tree forts! Those are for hunting!"

7/18 - i'd like to officially thank DB for being my official note taker when it was my turn to drive.

7/31 - i'd also like to officially thank all our magnificent friends for feeding us, housing us, entertaining us, etc during our adventure. you have no freakin' idea how you saved our arses. gracias mis amigos! shout outs to MK, RC, SE, PL, LE, SW, CI, and LP.

books for daniels

2008-07-29T15:19:00.003-04:00

Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association

Applied Social Research: A Tool for the Human Services

Where to Start and What to Ask: An Assessment Handbook

Urban Social Work: An Introduction to Policy and Practice in the Cities

the waiting game

2008-07-19T20:40:00.004-04:00

we stayed at LP's for a few days then headed to DB's parents where we have been since.

so far we have made it out to swim twice. im currently sporting a sunburn on my shoulders and back, so it will be a few days before we can play in the water again. for the life of me i can't figure out why i didn't put on a single drop of the $20 worth of sunscreen ive been toting around the last 50 days.

today i saw a baby moose. ive never seen a live moose (we had a stuffed one in the basement of some science building at WSU), and certainly never a baby moose. if DB's mom hadn't informed me it was a baby, i'd easily have assumed it was a fully grown adult. that should give you an idea of the size of these creatures. it was pretty fluffy and cute.

who knows what we'll do the rest of our time here. we have two weeks left. eventually we are going to have to tackle all our stuff in the basement, get it organized, and decide what to take with us on our first trip August 1st down to our temporary apartment in Brooklyn. we're waiting to rent moving van until we get a permanent apartment in October, otherwise we'll just have to rent a van twice and move our stuff twice.

full circle

2008-07-13T10:17:00.009-04:00

7/11
after many miles of detour getting out of Detroit, we finally hit Ohio. We got a couple interesting photos...

Cleveland, OH... sadly, we have no photos of Cleveland, but we did actually really like it there. will we live there next? stay tuned to find out.

Erie, Pennsylvania... left much to be desired and can be summed up in one word and one punctuation mark - "yuck!" this is sad. we were sure it was going to be cute, or weird, or somewhat interesting, but no.

it's important to note that our return to the state of New York on 7/11 is auspicious, or at least exciting. on 7/11/06 we flew out of Burlington VT with a layover at JFK in NYC en-route to California. welcome home, says NY! or as DB says "our turn has come full circle."

no sense in driving all darn night... we stopped and camped in NY. the next morning as i left the women's showers i was approached by a burly fellow "Are you from California? I noticed you have California license plates. Do you have any mmbmsrmm?" Um, what? Oh... that! No, I don't have any of that.

a few people commented on our car, including a friendly 7yr old riding around on his bike... "I love your car!"

7/12
Niagra Falls, NY... again, another one of those examples of when something looks bigger in the advertisements. the falls were pretty wide, but if you weren't prepared to wait a week to cross the border or pay $10 per person, you couldn't get a view to the bottom. i thought this was a pretty cool view though.

Seneca Falls, NY... we got to visit the Women's History Museum, and the Methodist church where the women's sufferage movement began - Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Fredrick Douglas had met and spoken in this famed meeting house. there was a sculpture trail we meandered along, and as luck would have it there was some live music in the park. we like Seneca Falls and i could easily see us buying a place and settling down in this historic little town. i could also see DB and opening our own brewery or art center in this fine old knitting factory on the river.

Chester, VT... nothin' like having friends along the route. LP made us some wicked-good chicken sandwiches and i definitely nominate and crown him future Food Network Star of America for that one.

Michigan Me

2008-07-12T10:06:00.001-04:00

7/6/08
we drove straight through from Chicago to Detroit. it wasn't so bad. it's only a few hours away, and that is fantastic news. we did stop in Ann Arbor, because we've both heard so much about UM and it is a possible candidate for DB's doctorate program in the next few years.

because we are expert planners, we planned it so we'd arrive when SW was home from work - and although we were a bit confused about where to go (google maps just says "turn right on X Street" but not exactly where the apartment is within a complex) SW was able to expertly tell us how to find her unit.

i was extremely impressed by SW's incredible organization. she had not only got us a handful of free museum passes, but she single-handedly typed up a list of neighborhoods, activities, and eateries that we might want to check out while visiting. if SW were applying for the position of concierge at my hotel, i would easily hire her at top pay. librarians are rad.

7/7/08
no museums are open on Mondays, so DB and I mostly hang out around the apartment, hoping the kitties will pay attention to us, snacking, and investigating the fabulous info our guide has provided. we hit a local Trader Joe's and my favorite street name is Bamlet because it's an adorable word.

7/8/08
although i really did want to check out the Henry Ford Estate and was curious about the Ford F150 tour, we picked the Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History for our first stop. this was a pretty rad museum. not only is it a beautiful building, but the exhibits are really unique and moving. there are a couple galleries devoted to art which housed a collection of paintings, a collection of stained glass art, and an impressive collection of jazz-themed quilts.

the permanent exhibit takes you through the African American experience, starting with the birth of humanity in Africa, continuing to the tribal life in Africa, the capturing, transporting and enslavement of Africans as they were brought to the Americas, and the experience of African Americans through American history through the present. the most intense part of this exhibit is walking through a simulated journey in the dark bowels of a slave ship with dozens of wax slaves and a matching soundtrack.

the evening activity was SW and JT's hockey practice. it was my first time at an ice rink, and certainly my first exposure to hockey, and it was so fun to watch SW and JT all cute in their hockey gear sliding around whacking a puck.

7/9/08
we also visited the Cranbrook Art Museum which specializes in the Arts and Crafts movement, and had a fantastic exhibit of craft-work, including quilts and ceramics.

SW and JT took us to see Wall-E at the largest drive-in in the world! Ford Drive-In. it was DB's first time at the drive-in and he wishes there were more for us to frequent. Wall-E was cute.

7/10/08
every time i go to a contemporary art museum i realize that i'm not really into contemporary/modern art... and i'm more of a crafter. Museum of Contemporary Art Detroit was another great reminder of how un-hip i am. i do appreciate modern/contemporary art and think it is valid and important, i just don't enjoy it.

on the way to and fro the MOCAD, we passed the infamous 8 Mile. the number of abandoned and gutted homes, apartment buildings and businesses in detroit is pretty unbelievable, and at another time i'll reveal the plans DB and i have come up with to save detroit.

and of course, there is nothing like a round of put-put golf in the fancy suburbs after seeing a city ravaged by poverty. DB won 50 to 55, but i did have a hole in 1. i should probably also mention that DB also had a hole in 1.

7/11/08
we had a good visit, got to see some art, a bit of Detroit, and that made it sad to say bye-bye to SW and JT. they were awesome hosts, as are Mr and Mrs Meow who warmed up to DB and me enough to let JT get a little sleep.

i miss living near my friends.

vulva skyline

2008-07-08T08:54:00.000-04:00

This is where I acknowledge the good bits about my Chicago stay...

7/3/08
Lake Michigan is enormous. I mean, it looks enormous on the map, but when you really get up close and personal... you're pretty sure you're looking at another ocean. The water along Lincoln Park was so green/blue it was getting close to Caribbean. And the breeze that flows off the water is absolutely necessary for maintaining comfort in toasty Chicago.

Oddly, I felt the need to dress in layers. Some moments I was ridiculously hot, and others, such as in the shade and/or while a breeze was blowin', I wished I had worn jeans and a jacket. And nights easily chilled me enough to need those jeans.

The houses and buildings of Chicago are mostly brick, which I find attractive and interesting. In fact, I think I consider brick to be a necessary component of city housing. It really makes a difference, adding character and creating good feelers.

7/4/08
DB and I went on a walk to escape the video games and stopped at a little coffee shop under the el (elevated train). I grabbed a decaf soy mocha which rocked, and then we headed to Wrigley Field, just to say we went there. Of course, it was closed, so we merely walked by, but it was exciting, and we are pleased. After a few lefts and rights we also somehow stumbled onto the Whole Foods used in the Food Network's Top Chef.

7/5/08
The day we "saw the city" we got off the el at Monroe and speed-walked through some sculptural area where DB and I insisted on walking through "the bean" - this giant shiny metal bean that produces a wild optical experience when underneath looking up into the center. The Taste of Chicago was happening, so our guide walked us around the really long and presumably beautiful park he otherwise would have walked us through... but along the way to the Field Museum he did pop us back into the park for a moment so we could see this huge and lovely water fountain.

DB and our host/guide explored the Mythical Creatures exhibit at the Field Museum while I sat outside and read. I did walk around a bit to check out these giant art globes, and I heard a snippet of an architectural tour discussing the buildings along the skyline.

Apparently one of the buildings was designed by a "feminist architect... and you can use your imagination on that one." I think this means that the building could possibly look vulva-esque rather than phallic. Although the info wasn't necessarily presented well, I did love that that is one of the snippets I heard. I love feminist buildings and I think there should be more of them. Imagine an entire city of feminist buildings....

Before DB and our host/guide completed their museum tour I decided to take my experience into my own hands and walked through the park we skipped on the way to the museum. I loved walking around alone and decided to hunt for coffee. I found a Dunkin' Donuts near Van Buren and nestled in for a chocolate glazed donut, a decaf with cream and sugar, and a chapter or two of my book. My first Dunkin' Donuts in two years... mmm, it's good to be going home.

Outside there is a guy crawling around on the ground, looking like he may cry, begging for money. It's easy to tell that this is his gig. This is what he does, daily. It's hard to tell if his face can make any other face besides the crying face. It's painful to watch, so I try not to.

As I read, I look up and see a black man in a wheel chair wheeling by... he smiles at me in his bushy gray wig and waves. This man is so full of joy I can't help but smile and wave back as he passes. He's made my day, and I kinda wish everyone was like this. I see the crying man again and wonder if he'd have better luck if he were smiling instead.

So Long Chicago

2008-07-07T10:03:00.006-04:00

July 3 - 6

I have to be honest - I'm disappointed in the Chicago portion of our trip.

Our host was kind enough, we had a place to sleep, and several of our meals out were paid for... these are indisputable benefits, bonuses, and perks that I am fully grateful for receiving.

So what's the dilly-o?

I'm tired of being ignored.
I wanted to see more of the city
I don't enjoy watching people play video games for hours on end

I'm tired of being ignored by DB's friends. My friends don't ignore DB. They actively include him in conversations, ask him about himself, and respond to his comments and questions. Whereas DB's friends do not offer the same courtesies to me... We call it "the invisible girlfriend phenomenon," and we've seen it before. Anyway, 3 days of being ignored was a bit beyond my tolerance level.

I wanted to see more of Chicago - and I'm sure there was more to see.

Day 1 - We walk to the lake. DB and our host play chess while I read.

Day 2 - We watched our host play video games, excuse ourselves for a walk around the neighborhood, come back for more video game watching, then attend a 4th of July party our host wanted to attend. (DB and I aren't much for big parties, we're more the wine sipping and cheese board types.)

Day 3 - The big day in the city. Our host had told us all these great things about the city, yet I got this feeling that he felt obligated to be our tour guide and didn't want to, like he'd rather be home playing video games. When we finally arrived downtown, he bolted so fast that we didn't have a chance to really look around since we needed to keep on the look out for which direction our host / guide, had gone. We even asked him to slow his pace which he did... a tiny bit. I'd have prefered our host send us off on our own if he didn't really feel like showing us around. And since I was an "invisible girlfriend" I didn't feel like I could really state that maybe we should do our own site seeing.

Day 4 - We left for Detroit, MI.

Of course there is more that I didn't appreciate, but I don't want to dwell on any additional details. I wash my hands of Chicago.

Hello Wisconsin

2008-07-04T10:12:00.002-04:00

July 2nd - Minneapolis, MN to Madison, WI

I wasn't sure what to expect in Wisconsin. My only "experience" with WI has been "That 70's Show" which I find pretty fantastic, but not necessarily a provider of much actual state history or geography.

What we saw were a helluva lot of brick silos - one with a pumpkin perched on top (see below). I think I'd like to have a nice cute brick silo of my own some day. Oh, and a ridiculous number of water-parks. And an unholy number of Christmas tree farms. I can only imagine that Wisconsin exports Christmas trees to the rest of America, and possibly Canada, in order to justify the number of trees they grow. I am certain there aren't enough people in the local states to support these farms.

DB was able to find Wisconsin's highest altitude in the back of our atlas... something around a couple thousand feet. This provided a great deal of giggles for me as I repeatedly exclaimed "Wisconsin's highest point!" and pointed at a nearby hill.

We also saw a very interesting rendition of the "deer crossing" signs, of which I wish we had a photo to share. The silhouette of the deer is a bit more vertical, with a bit larger body and head, giving the slight appearance of a potato.

Ironically, even though we saw at least 7 state troopers pulling folks over on the hwy, there was something about all the firework stands claiming "bigger, louder, deadlier" that just gave me this overall feeling of unease.

Our favorite cafe in Wisconsin is definitely Acoustic Cafe... In fact, it's just about the only business still open in downtown Au Claire which appeared to have an 80 percent vacancy rate in their businesses district. Ouch! Too bad, because it's actually an adorable town. Interestingly, the sprawl that surrounds on the way between the town and the interstate seems to be thriving (this is where all the chain stores).

Madison is kinda cute. If I hadn't already pledged my allegiance to Minneapolis, I'd live in Madison. Maybe. Do I get free cheese for saying that?

Anyway, we stayed in a hostel. I thought it was pretty rad. DB had some weird anxiety thing about it, but maybe that was the Uno's cookie talking.

July 3rd - Madison, WI to Chicago, IL

Got some cheese on the way to Chicago, and ice cream, too. Can't go to Chicago without stopping for ice cream along the way, I always say.

facebooking

2008-07-02T11:29:00.000-04:00

i had been invited to join facebook over a year ago by a coaching colleague. because im a bit of a snob, i ignored the request. after all, i was already a member of friendster, linkedin, and probably several other networking sites i've forgotten about since joining.

yet, while hangin' here in Mpls (that's short for Minneapolis), LE was talking about playing scrabble on facebook with various friends, and how fun it was, and how our lives would be improved 100 times if only DB and i would join, too.

then yesterday, while i was reading and waiting for laundry to finish, DB was being his mischevious self. i came up to see what he was doing... he was editing his new facebook profile.

ET TU BRUTE

so now, instead of driving to Madison, Wisconsin, experiencing the best cheese america has to offer, i have spent the morning facebooking.

ye ole curiosities

2008-07-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

Departure Date: Sunday, June 15, 2008

Days on the Road: 18

Laundry Doings: 4

Hotels Nights: 2

Rest Stop Nights: 1

Nights Slept in Car: 3

Mosquito Bites: Me - 9, DB - 0

Fast Food Stops: 0

Chain Restaurants Eaten At: 2 (Chili's and Outback Steakhouse)

Brewpubs Visited: 6 (WAx2, ID, MT, SD, MN)

Ice Cream Cones: 4 (per person)

Current Location: Minneapolis, MN

Total Miles Traveled: 3017.1

Distance From Seattle: 1666 miles

Total Mileage on the Car: 11030

Hubcaps Irreparably Damaged During 10k Mile Servicing of Car by the Black Hills Toyota Service Center in South Dakota: 1

Major Mountain Ranges Crossed This Trip:

Cascade Mtns (WA)
Rocky Mtns (MT)

Major Rivers Crossed This Trip:

Columbia River (WA)
Missouri River x4 (SD)
Mississippi River x2 (MN)

Next 3 Destinations:

Madison, Wisconsin
Chicago, Illinois
Detroit, Michigan

Number of Meals with Eggplant in the last 4 days: 3

Networking Websites Joined: 1

Networking Websites Quit: 1

Favorite City So Far: Minneapolis, MN

Smelliest City: Pierre, SD

i heart minneapolis

2008-06-29T18:53:00.001-04:00

i have no idea how it took us so long to get from the Badlands to Minneapolis, but we're finally here. i vaguely recall sleeping at a rest stop in mid - South Dakota, sleeping at a state campground just east of Minnesota, then driving all day and staying in a hotel in Minneapolis.

LE and T have been graciously hanging out with us and taking us to their favorite places.

on Saturday LE entertained us herself. she tooks us on a tour around the Minneapolis lakes, brought us to French Meadows for coffee (yum!). after a nap - which actually means watching "So You Think You can Dance," then we had eggplant parm for dinner (my fav & courtesy of DB), and played a rousing game of Scrabble in which LE kicked our rears... if DB and i had combined our score we'd have had the game by 30pts.

today has included french toast, a documentary film (Young At Heart), ice cream, internetting, and nap time. we'll be having eggplant enchiladas for dinner (courtesy of DB), and playing Apples to Apples tonight.

so far, DB and i agree that Minneapolis is pretty rad. will we be returning here to live in a couple years? stay tuned to find out!

Life in the Badlands

2008-06-26T15:10:00.000-04:00

Just east of the Blackhill's are what are called the Badlands. Named such by some white people exploring, traveling east, and committing genocide. It was noted by Native Americans in the area that clearly these lands were not bad - they were teeming with life.

And, in fact, they are still teeming with life... although some of it has been reintroduced to the area due to natural populations either dying out or being over hunted by... you guessed it, the white folks who claimed the land was barren. We were fortunate to see some of this life, and we lovingly bring it on home to you.

Upon entering the Badlands National Park we immediately realized that we were on top of and traveling across a plateau. Our first stop gave us not only a spectacular view of the valley beyond, but also our first encounter with the elusive Bighorn Sheep. (Apparently, it is not common to see these cuties.)

Our continued meanderings revealed various breathtaking landscape formations.

We also saw a variety of grasses, flowers, dinosaur fossils, along with animals too far away or too quick to be captured on film - a fox, antelope, and various birds.

Fortunately for you, I am kind enough not to subject you to the two dozen photos of Prairie Dogs taken throughout the 60 mile drive around the park. I thought one photo was plenty to convince you that you, too, want your own Prairie Dog. Although, please beware... they carry the Plague.

No really, there are signs outside the park warning tourists to stay in their cars and not frolick with Prairie Dogs due to the Plague. I, however, am impervious to such signs... which is why one little fella was barking madly at me as I attempted to get nearer for a close-up. The Prairie Dog shown here did not bark - instead it posed nicely for the camera.

And, of course, no animal photo-shoot would be complete without Bison (aka Buffalo). These Bison aren't totally free-roaming because being such would be a health hazard. Apparently cows have communicable diseases that cause reproductive problems for Bison - So, the Badlands Bison are kept in a large-ish contained area. In an effort to boost morale they have been told they are free... which reminds me of how things work in certain country I live in... but I'm sure it would be "unpatriotic" to say so.

Tiny Faces

2008-06-25T14:37:00.000-04:00

Our first stop was Deadwood in the Blackhills, an old mining town turned tourist destination. We checked out their museum and an ice cream shop; and drove through the gamblin' part of town. It's actually pretty fun/cute/cool and worth the stop - even if you're not planning to gamble. Also, there is a tv series that takes place in Deadwood.

Next we did the oil change and tire rotation. No comment on the stress this caused us post-service.

And finally we hit Mt Rushmore which is ridiculously tiny. In all the photos they zoom in and make it look like it's the size of Mt Rainer with giant faces carved into it... actually, it's rather small. Admittedly, the engineering feat is pretty impressive.

"Just one more piece of American kitsch to stick in my pocket." - DB

Wyoming 10k

2008-06-25T13:27:00.000-04:00

We finished up our time in Montana at a campground near Ashland, and gratefully exited into Wyoming's Blackhills. As you can see, we have a pretty rad set up... beach umbrella included!

Wyoming gifted us with both the Devils Tower, created by magma and over 5k above sea-level, and finally hitting 10k on our odometer which means it's time for an oil change and tire rotation.

most important stops

2008-06-23T10:58:00.000-04:00

Montana is too big and there appears to be no way out. we are surrounded by mountains, storms, casinos and Walmarts, yet cannot find a real ghost town. we give up.

traveling is both fun and exhausting. exhausting particularly when things on the map aren't where they say they are, or we over-extend / over-estimate ourselves (like, packing too many destinations into a single day, thus driving from 8am to 11pm). Montana is the best example of our frustration thus far. i'm willing to take up to 50% of the responsibility for this. Montana gets the other 50%.

before we began our journey we created a tentative itinerary. places we were interested in stopping / seeing, a general route, and a basic timeline. as we travel we are constantly revising - creating new plans of action, routes, destinations, etc. this is both fun and exhausting...

we're almost done seeing the areas we really wanted to hit on the first half of our trip, and we're pretty exhausted by traveling and not having a real home. it's now time to pick up the pace and get closer to seeing our friends - they are the most important stops along the trip.

ghost hunting

2008-06-23T00:21:00.000-04:00

so, we've been driving around montana for, like, two days or something and everything we want to see that is on the free visitors state map happens to not have clear directions, road signage, etc. in fact, it's all been one wild ghost chase.

our first attempt at finding a ghost town went array when as we were getting nearer the possible turn off, a ridiculous storm headed our direction. i have to say that Montana's storms are terrifying. there is so much wide open sky that when it starts to fill up with dark ominous clouds, some of which look like they might just be willing to go tornado on your ars, it's enough to make a person hope they won't get shot knocking on people's doors. seriously, i was almost ready to pull into some farmer's driveway and beg for shelter.

two awesome pictures of an edge of the storm...

since, we were unsuccessful finding the unmarked road of the ghost town and terrified by the storm, we decided to keep driving until we were well out of storm-range. we ended up driving pretty late looking for some of the camp sites also listed on this stupid map. after miles and miles of searching down dark dirt roads, we settled on sleeping in the car behind some random kiosk in a 50 person town. we had a pretty good set up - moved the various suitcases about, put some batik skirts in the windows for privacy, and wha-la!

the next morning we resumed our ghost-town hunt. the first place we checked out was hardly what i'd call a ghost town... there were people living there. there were a few boarded up buildings that were historical from the mining period 100 years ago. DB and i agree that the town folk might be better served if they put these beautiful buildings to some use instead of leaving them sit empty.

we thought we'd make one more attempt at finding a ghost town that could meet our Hollywood expectations. so, another 15 miles of moutainous dirt road in our tiny car in the middle of nowhere found us agitated and frustrated. there were some abandoned barns and oldish looking houses, but nothing that should qualify as a ghost town.

we now refer to every abandoned or oldish building as "ghost town!"

in case you're wondering

2008-06-21T21:02:00.000-04:00

we estimate we've traveled 475 miles eastward.
we have put about 1000 miles on the car since leaving last Sunday.

Food:

breakfasts consist of granola with almond milk, a banana, and maybe another fruit if we've got any left over from the day before.
lunch tends to be in towns... sandwhiches, soups, etc.
we are eating bag salad for dinners. they are easy, require little clean up, and are yummy.
deserts = roasted marshmallows or fruit.

yes, we are eatting enough. we have a big giant bag of snack foods... dried fruits, almonds, granola bars, and sometimes candy bars.

Sights:

0 bears
9 deer
the continental divide
rivers - lots of big fast rivers
giant cheese graters (or things that look like such)
bikers taking over a campground and setting up a tent-bar to serve alcohol
3 bilboards for the "World Famous Testicle Festival"

it appears a thunder storm is headed our way... so, rather than camp, our plan is to drive forever until we stop, sleep in the car(?) and get a motel/hotel tomorrow morning so we can sunbathe all freakin' day by the pool. we do intend to see at least one ghost town, hit Bozeman and Billings. oh, also, we're now on Mountain time.

25 cent showers

2008-06-21T15:34:00.000-04:00

reporting live from the public library in Missoula, MT...

6/19 Thrs

ever seen seaguls in the desert? i don't think i had until now. yeah, an entire flock, weird.

arrived in Pullman, gave DB the grand tour of WSU. unfortunately the two places on campus i spent the bulk of my time were under renovation (the CUB, and Wilson Hall). there were a plethora of new buildings, a significant decline in amount of on campus parking, and the Bookie once again failed to have any dark red Cougar sweatshirts i could purchase for my own personal wearing. we did manage to pick up a few $1 books for our reading pleasure.

Rancho Viejo has withstood the test of time, still making it #1 Mexican food establishment in the US, 15 years running.

camping provided by Boyer Park... who thought they might be full up, then decided they had one spot left... oddly, no one else showed up that night. they probably heard about the sprinkler system which drenches the tenting spots starting around 4am. forutnately the sun was up early and dried us out. we were a bit grumpy due to lack of sleep between 3:45 and 6am. fortunately we could shower for a mere 25 cents.

6/20 Fri

i talk about the dunes so often i had to show DB. sadly, they have been much neglected. we did find deer tracks in the sand which is kinda neat.

Path:
Moscow ID for grocery shopping and lunch. yay for the co-op!
Lewiston ID because that's the direction we had to go to go east.
Lowell, ID to the free Rackliff Campground complete with fleas, bats and deer. we were a bit concerned about bears, but we slept fairly sound with no trace of animal activity.

wheats going on?

2008-06-19T14:48:00.000-04:00

Major stops...
Start - Potholes (near Moses Lk)
Palouse Falls (lunch)
Pomeroy (Ranger Station)
Dayton (2nd lunch)
Camp Wooten (dinner and sleep)

first stop of the morning was Palouse Falls. our first sight - a Yellow-Bellied Marmot. no kidding. we literally were parking the car and saw a strange creature across the chasm climbing about. cute.

the drive was gorgeous - shining sun, green, purple, brown and golden hills abound the Palouse. we were both pretty thrilled about wind energy being harnessed in this region. some folks don't really like giant metal windmills, but i happen to think, in the right place, they can be an awe-inspiring addition to the landscape.

between Dayton and Camp Wooten we found our heritage marked. have you ever stopped at heritage markers? every time i do, i find myself wondering "what the hell is this supposed to be about?" and then i realize these markers are meant for people who drive RVs and speak in rhyme. in any case, this heritage marker, marks a stop made by Lewis and Clark, and has a plaque describing who each character is and what they may have been doing on any given day.

we weren't sure what we'd find at Camp Wooten as we entered the formerly forested area and found it had some time ago been devistated by wild fires. the camp was far enough in that there were living trees and animals... but no Wootens to be found.

next stop... WSU, Pullman, WA.

Dancing with Horses

2008-06-18T18:13:00.000-04:00

DB engaging in tent dancing...

Chased by Wild Horses at Vantage... fortunately we spotted another traveler video taping the incident...

Post-horse we headed to Moses Lake and Warden, two places I lived as a young lass. DB got to see two of my elementary schools (K-2) and a handful of houses I lived in. Plus, my first Burger King (2nd grade field trip to see "how it's all done" in the kitchen). (no photos available).

For accommodations, we stayed at the 3 starred Potholes State Park just south of Moses Lake (photo below)... birds, rabbits, squirrels, giant black beetles, and tons of fishing (we did not see any fish, however). We did each enjoy a decent 6 minute shower which means no need to stay in a hotel for another few days.

on the road again

2008-06-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

after 1 month in the seattle area, db and i have begun our journey eastward.

i wasn't able to visit everyone i wanted to. but i did actually try to visit everyone, which is more than i can say for previous trips to seattle.

db got to see plenty of downtown seattle, two Mariner's games (one of which was vs the Red Sox), more than anyone's share of Marysville, lots of brew pubs, a generous helping of my family, a few of my friends, and some very large mountains.

we also had the pleasurable company of quite a few deer on our camping trips to the Winthrop and Wenatchee areas. In fact, we're 99.9 percent certain a deer slept next to our tent one night near Diablo. the tenting area had sand and was flat when we set up our tent. we saw a deer before bed, then one woke us up as it huffled near the tent. and in the morning there was an indented area next to the foot of the tent that was in the shape of a large animal - likely a deer.

we also had a run in with an ambitious little mouse near Lake Wenatchee. i awoke in the dark to see the outline of a little mouse on top of the tent as it scurried across and slid down the other side. the wee fella spent half the night trying to hurdle itself back over but never made it up again.

we officially left yesterday and stayed the night at a campsite near Cle Elum. our plan is to find places we can camp for several days at a time and just relax our faces off as we head to our first true destination "Minneapolis."

Me, DB and our darling little Yaris.

pre-recital

2008-04-11T10:55:00.000-04:00

so, i started learning violin last August. i love it! it's so much fun, and im not half bad :)

today at noon-ish, me and my classmates (total of 3 violinists, 4 cellists, and 1 bassist) are performing two songs we've been working on for 3 months. it's kind of a practice recital... our actual recital is the 21st.

our audience will likely be our instructor and maybe 4 other people (half of whom are probably also performing). nonetheless, i am excited!

interesting thing... when i practice at home or in the practice rooms on campus i do quite well. sounds good, hit all the right notes, read the music well enough.

yet, in class when we play as a group i seem to blank on just about all of it. i can't read music, i don't know how the song goes, my fingers forget where notes are. WEIRD. i must look like i haven't practiced.

this guy i know in ceramics says that kind of thing happens to him when he plays guitar with a bunch of folks. overstimulation, he says. i can see that. there are so many sounds, im trying to make sure my timing is right, watch my bowing, and such.

anyway, if you're in town this afternoon, come watch me forget how to play violin :)

brief episodes of vasospasm

2008-04-10T21:18:00.000-04:00

previously on faerie moon... initial blood screenings came back indicating Lupus and Raynaud's (a vascular disease). further blood was drawn and we were waiting for the medical establishment to let us know the lowdown.

********

doc called this week. with the recent barrage of tests, only one came back positive (mRNA). doc consulted a rheumatologist, and they told him that unless my liver is having problems (which it apparently isn't), a positive mRNA is meaningless, thus i have Raynaud's Disease (aka primary Raynaud's).

this means there is no underlying cause (such as an autoimmune disease, etc.) however, there is no cure for Raynaud's, so please do not ask me to get you some ice cream from the freezer... you'll have to get it yourself.

you're smart, so you probably inferred that i do not have Lupus. there is still a 1 in 20 chance i will develop Lupus or another such disease (according to doc).

treatment: i'm supposed to avoid cold and stress.
um.... that's what i've been trying to do for years! another valid reason to move to mexico, and be spoon fed ice cream :)

back to the mRNA thingy...
for some reason im having some difficulty believing a positive mRNA (or whatever the test was) doesn't have significance or some kind of meaning. if it was unimportant/meaningless they wouldn't test for it, right? there must be SOME meaning. it must mean SOMETHING. even if it just means "your RNA says 'hello' and wishes you'd take a vacation" or "you eat too much bread and have allergies to flies" (which i just made up, so if you're trying to find out what your positive mRNA test means, thats not it!)

and the interweb is no help in finding the mRNA meaning. so, when i get to NYC (which is where im moving this summer), i'll have to get in touch with local medical researchers and such to find out if anyone can tell me. i have two weird fears...

our rural docs are idiots,
they know i dont have medical insurance and whatever is wrong is in pretty early stages and non-fatal so they aren't telling me i have something so that i'm not denied health insurance.

but that's just a tiny paranoid part of my brain that wonders such things. the rest of my brain is saying... "now, where do i get a cute pair of oven mitts to wear when i eat ice cream?" etsy? ... i see a business opportunity for someone...

VMars S1 D1

2008-03-29T10:18:00.000-04:00

We finally broke down and rented disc 1 of Veronica Mars Season 3, and it's quite clear, even in the first episode of the season why the show was finally cancelled.

Visuals and music in the opening credits were altered - not nearly as peppy and exciting as they try to show a transition from high school to a more sophisticated college scene. A long time ago, we used to sing along but now the song is bor-or-oring.
Plots and subplots are weak, lack depth, and make no sense... not enough background is provided about why certain PI assignments are relevant to the story line/s, and this kind of thing confuses me and makes me feel like they are just filling time. Not good for a show wanting to draw in new viewers or even retain old viewers.
Poorly written, tired dialogue which makes the actors look like they aren't good actors. And we know they are good actors because we've already seen two seasons of good acting and pretty amazing dialogue. New writers? Isn't it the policity to usually hire better writers.
Character development is non-existent (crappy dialogue contributes to this phenomenon). The most you get is same ol' premiss from the last couple seasons - proud but guilt-ridden Veronica, weepy bad-boy Logan, daddy the beaten-up hero, Weevil and his anger-management problem, a bunch of overplayed college stereotypes (we've seen the wild raping frathouse and angry feminist storylines before in many-a-show), unlikely class projects/assignments, a dean who unrealistically threatens to expel students for not giving up information they don't have about other people, and not nearly enough Wallace. There is never enough Wallace.

Recognizable filming locations - although that's really more about our personal lives (living near the filming locations) than it is about the show doing a good job on something. It's just kind of fun going - hey, is that our neighborhood? Yeah - that's our beach!
Glad to see Wallace, Weevil, Mac and Logan are still with the show.

The real questions... is it worth the $5 and countless hours to watch the rest of the season? Will it get better, and fast? Will feminism continue to be the butt of many a bad joke? Will anything relevant or interesting happen? Or should we just cancel our plan to watch Season 3 while we still have enough left for a mocha?

hoping for false positives

2008-03-27T21:57:00.000-04:00

so, this past autumn, at least once but maybe two or three times, my pointer finger and thumb on my right hand went white and numb (like when you're foot or hand falls asleep, only it was just part of my finger and part of my thumb) - the blood wasn't circulating.

i didn't know what to do - i tried warming them up, but they wouldn't get warm (it's way chilly inside and outside in HC), and i tried messing with my wrist and shoulder to see if maybe something was blocking the blood flow. i was a bit freaked out, but figured it wasn't anything to get too worked up about unless it became frequent.

in late january, this finger thing started happening all the time... almost daily... and now to fingers on both hands and to my toes! as you can imagine this terrified me. so i googled some combo of words or another and found a condition called Raynaud's. okay, no problem, i probably have this condition that makes my fingers go numb if they are too cold or i am stressed. its not fatal, it can be unexplained or have other non-fatal causes. cool, i can live with that.

then, a couple weeks ago i got this weird itchy rash across the knuckles on my right hand. they were tiny bumps like flea bites, but itched like mosquito bites. we don't have animals or mosquitos, so it wasn't bugs. i went to to doctor to have this checked out, along with the Raynaud's thingy. the doctor has me give some blood samples and a urine sample for testing.

a week later doc calls me and suggests i make an appointment to discuss the results. sure, whatever.

i make an appointment and doc tells me that this and that test are positive and my SED(?) is elevated and there is a strong possibility it's Lupus. Lupus. shit. i had no clue what this meant, except that a friend in high school once said his mom had Lupus. i just remember her not working and being at home and maybe a bit tired and secluded.

anyway, so doc calls a local rheumatologist and then calls me later that day to let me know i need to have a dozen more blood tests to find out what exactly is going on... could be a false positive (thus just Raynaud's Disease - primary Raynaud's), could be Lupus or another autoimmune disease (with Raynaud's Phenomenon - secondary Raynaud's).

so i read up on Lupus. it sure sounds like i have it, and it certaily explains a hell of a lot of ridiculous symptoms ive been dealing with for the last few years, and some ive been experiencing the last couple months.

last few years
fatigue
achy joints
arthritis
sun sensitivity
memory
depression

last couple months
Raynaud's
night sweats
skin rashes
fever

so... right now... im doing a great job of coping by spending my time wavering between denial and acceptance. it would be a relief to have Lupus - it means all these health issues have an explanation of some kind - i'm not just making them up. on the other hand - Lupus is not cool - people die from it. it is systemic, meaning it can attack all sorts of organs in your body, including the brain! i do not want to deal with kidney, lung, joint/bone, heart/blood, skin, or brain problems. and i don't want to take medication that has a host of side effects worst than the actual disease. i can't afford medication anyway - i don't have health insurance.

so, now, we wait. the blood results should be back next week. lets hope the first set were false positives and ive only got Raynaud's Disease.

What i learned in California

2008-03-17T11:49:00.000-04:00

Believe it or not, I’ve learned a lot in California (beyond how much I dislike California and Californians!), and I’m sure it will be another couple of years to unfold all that I’ve gotten from this experience.

In southern CA I didn’t really do much besides make stuff at home. I didn’t take any classes, or go to any workshops, or even do Yoga. Partly it was not wanting to spend money. Partly it was not having a car and not wanting to spend 2 or 3 hours on the damn bus just to go across town and do ceramics. I could hear our neighbors through the walls at all hours, had no furniture, and lived 2 houses from the beach.

In northern CA I'm back in college. I’ve taken at least 3 studio art classes and violin both semesters. I’m taking a stretching class that’s really helping me get ready to start Yoga again (and is similar in some ways). I’ve had half a dozen roommates, lived with hippie drug dealers, been without a fridge or heat.

What I learned about myself:

It is not okay to settle and make-do all the time, especially when I don’t have to. If I want something, get it / have it.
drugs are not cool. okay, I already knew this. But now, after being in a pretty serious drug culture, I vividly recall why I knew this in the first place.... I don't feel safe around drug users.
I need to be very warm inside my home. The blood in my fingers and toes stops circulating when I’m cold – it’s weird and only started happening last semester (as far as I know, but then, I’ve never been cold 24/7/365 like I have on the coast of California).
I need real summers that are way too hot for anyone’s own good and air conditioners are required for functioning properly. This is partly about being warm, but also about getting lots of bright sun in my face. The sun makes happy chemicals in my brain, and I like it.
I need to live only with my partner – no other roommates – so I can better control the cleanliness, temperature, and noise level in my environment. I like things to be pretty clean in my own home – or at least only be dirty/messy if I’ve left things dirty/messy. I also like silence and lots of it. We've already covered being warm.
I need real furniture. no, seriously. my body actually doesn’t appreciate sitting and sleeping on the floor no matter how cushiony the carpet is. I have stupid hip and knee and shoulder and neck issues and can’t fathom what my body will be like when I’ve actually gotten old.
I need space to create and store my artwork – not a lot of space, but some.
I don’t need to be in school to learn/expand my art skills. What I need is to take at least one painting and one ceramics course each session at a community center. This gives me access to facilities and competent teachers. Plus I get to be around other people who like to do what I like to do, and who generally aren't chatting about their recent drug acquisition/useage.
I need friends. Even if they don’t come over for dinner or wine or fresh baked cookies. I need to live near people and do visiting and confiding and giggling and occasional outings.
I need organic food, a toaster oven, and filtered water. I do not need a refrigerator. I do need a small freezer, just large enough to fit a few pints of Ben and Jerry's.
When I don’t live in Boston or other cities with excellent transportation, I must have a car. It is necessary, because I need to be able to go places and not feel like I can’t b/c the bus will take too long.
I want to live in Vermont. Okay, I didn’t actually learn this in California. I learned it in Vermont when I first stayed there in the summer. It is so peaceful and beautiful and adorable. There are lots of artists. Towns are small. Housing is inexpensive. It is very quiet. Ice cream is wicked cheap.

I’m pretty sure I could go on another 25 items or so. But I think you get the idea.

where art thou

2007-11-17T00:27:00.001-05:00

jude law was my boyfriend. apparently, we met recently and had been hanging out non-stop for a few days - at least that's what the fluttery feelings all through my body were telling me.

we sat on the couch, talking while looking dreamily into each others' eyes. you know those late into the night get-to-know-you-better talks you have when you meet someone new that you really really like.

and inevitably these talks lead to discussions of ex's. jude says, "before you, there was david, and before david, it was james, and...". in my head i'm thinking, "david, james...he's coming out to me! i can tell him about my exgirlfriends!"

at some point we part, making plans to get together later.

later, im on my computer - one that looks suspiciously like an arcade game, and i'm emailing friends asking if anyone has jude's email or phone number, as it seems i don't have them. jude has disappeared. it's not that he's actually missing. it's that he isn't contacting me and i don't know how to reach him.

that feeling of being dumped drenches me, pushing me into a heavy sadness.

art nerd

2007-10-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

in drawing class we've been learning to draw perspective. we started out with single point perspective. (imagine looking off into the distance, and on the horizon directly in front of you is what is called your "vanishing point" - the point at which all lines converge and appear to vanish). single point perspective is challenging and not my fav.

next we moved onto two point perspective. this is where you may be looking at a single object (say, a building) and can see at least two sides of the object (imagine standing on the corner, looking at a house), and that object has two vanishing points - one to it's right and one to it's left. depending on where you place your horizon (above, below, or in the center of the object) you can see the top, bottom or frontal view. and depending where you put your vanishing points (closer to the object or further away) the distortion of the object changes. it's really quite fascinating.

in case you can't tell, learning this made me giddy. it isn't just that i can draw this... i also loved the way my instructor taught the class how to draw... it was a problem solving exercise. he just gave us a couple loose parameters and said "i can't tell you any more than that or it will give it away" and we had to figure out how to do it ourselves. brilliantly taught! i had a smile when he came around to check how i was doing. i was so proud of myself :) in fact, i spent the entire walk home yesterday (just over a mile) reveling in my newly acquired ability to draw two point linear perspective.

once home, i filled three pages of my sketchbook with 2pt linear perspective drawings - several drawings per page. i used the same object example for all the drawings on one page, but adjusted the vanishing points and horizon location just to see how this would alter the look of the object. on my final drawing, i created a T - shaped building with a partial 2 story center, windows and doors. it looks like it could be a real place.

yes, i can draw 3D and make up entire cities and buildings seen from above or below or straight on, using only my imagination, a piece of paper, a pencil and a ruler. this, my friends, is what fun is all about.

true story.

Groundhog Day

2007-09-27T23:22:00.000-04:00

the mountains before me, reddish brown, meld together, transforming, changing shape - like a music video that melds one face into another that is distinctly different.

it occurs to me, ive discovered how to travel through time. what im seeing is time rapidly moving in one direction or another - the changes of the earth becoming visible, tanglible.

at the movie theater, i realize this is the same movie, only a different theater. im confused - have i traveled through time, or transported to another location in the same time period. or maybe im in a parallel universe and it's the same movie.

there is a knowingness - i can travel through time but the movie will always be the same.

The Great Treasure

2007-09-22T18:37:00.000-04:00

I'm looking down at a small pond. The bottom is smooth rock and there are a few larger rocks within. I see dozens of fish through the crystal clear water - many different sizes and kinds. Salmon, carp, guppies, etc.

I notice something shiny - a coin reflecting from the floor. "This is bad for the fish - it will poison them," I think to myself and begin to contemplate how I will retrieve this coin. I begin to notice other coins, and decide to go into the pond to pick them out.

Under the water I can see perfectly - more perfectly than when out of water. Panicking that I may drown, I realize I can breathe freely and clearly. I see the fish swim around me, investigating me without fear. I am slightly fearful they will nibble my toes, yet they seem peaceful and curious.

I find a pile of coins and begin investigating each as I pick it up from the smooth bottom of the pond. The first two I intuitively know are quarters - they are clean, shimmering silver. The next is a larger coin, I've never seen one like it before, yet I instantly know it is Roman and rare. I place the coins in my pocket.

I look around me, all the coins in this pond are from all of time and from every culture that has used coins for exchange. This pool is full of ancient knowledge, wisdom and abundance. I know the Universe has brought me to this place to find this great treasure.

back to school

2007-09-05T23:05:00.000-04:00

so, i started back to school on August 20th.

it's dreamy being back in school. i really love it. i love learning things and using my brain. i also love the part where i get to use my hands. its heavenly being back in ceramics.

things im noticing...

since i graduated from college the first time nearly 10 years ago, ive done a whole lot of traveling. when my instructor in Art History talks about various museums such as the Tate Modern or the MOMA in NYC, i think to myself - "ha! I've been there!" then i snobbishly wonder if any of the 18 year olds in my class have ever been there or even heard of these fabulous museums. i know i didn't know of any museum anywhere when i was 18 - the only one i had ever gone to was with my 5th grade class.

aside from getting to be snobby (only in my head - never outloud), i also get to feel really good about my skills when my drawing and ceramics instructors comment on my work. i have been making a living as an artist for several years now, so it does make sense that id at least have a little skill ;)

i also get to feel extremely old compared to my peers. everyone is so young and hip. they talk about all kinds of pop-culture things im so out of touch with - doubly-so because i haven't had cable television in over 10 years. its a little scary being in a new school and not knowing anyone and feeling so out of place. it definitely helps that i have a fair amount of self-confidence built up from all my years of being a grown up. but don't think i haven't gotten down on myself. its tough feeling old and uncool.

did i mention im taking violin lessons? :) ive always wanted to play but my grandma said it was too hard and to pick something else. so, i never did take lessons... heck i never even touched a violin until now. can i just say that this is one of the easiest instruments ive ever played?! it's far easier than the guitar, flute and clarinet. posture and proper holding of the instrument gets a bit challenging - i think im gonna need weekly massages - but other than that, it's a very fun and beautiful instrument.

boring notes from a weekend adventure

2007-09-04T23:32:00.000-04:00

we rented a car for the weekend and took a camping and hiking trip in our new neck of the woods.

it was so fantastic to get out of the psuedo heat and into some serious summer hot, along with dips in the rivers.

our first stop was Etna, CA where we dined at a brew pub and camped in a local park with a few fire fighters who were catching some zzzz's after 18 hours of fighting lightening fires.

the next day we hiked a teeny tiny portion of the PCT (Pacific Coast Trail) to a little lake, ate lunch, and headed back toward home to find a camping spot for the next couple nights.

we stayed near a swimming hole we'd found the first day, and enjoyed a great day hike to a river with a soft rounded bottom of granite. we swam a bit, ate, and relaxed before heading back. it was ridiculously hot - too hot to be on a hike.

our final day we got up a bit late and headed home to explore a bit of the area closer to our new town. i'll have to take some photos of one of the coastal beaches we live near. it honestly looks like a pirate haven. it's pretty incredible.

one duck's laughter

2007-08-14T01:02:00.000-04:00

did i mention we have 3 ducks? two females and one male. one of them is a laugher. yeah, ducks can laugh. it's almost as good as the "tickle me elmo" doll.

every time someone leaves the house the duck belts out a good laugh - "quaaack quack quack quack!" sometimes i wonder... "hey, what's so darn funny?"

ive decided it's the male duck that cracks up every time we leave. why would only one of two female ducks laugh? wouldn't they both laugh? for some reason i think its a gender thing. it has to be the lone male.

ive decided he's our guard duck. he lets us all know when elvis has left the building.

they also eat bugs and chomp on our compost. oh, and they like strawberries and snails the best.

we have 3 good ducks.

Paradise Found

2007-08-06T01:14:00.000-04:00

In our quaint little town we've noticed something peculiar. People here are friendly. And normal.

This friendly, normal thing even includes the town youth. Seriously, we were walking down the sidewalk on two seperate occassions and had kids say "excuse me" as they passed on skateboards. Another time a kid actually stopped his bike on the sidewalk and let us pass.

People here smile at strangers, and not in a creepy way. Neighbors stop by to say hello and share from their gardens. Deli clerks invite people to parties at the river, and folks working at the grocery seem happy to be there. It's kinda wild.

Granted we just moved here. But it's an incredibly refreshing change from our year in San Diego, a supposid paradise.

When we moved to San Diego we expected to experience a year long vacation in paradise. That's what San Diego promises. But what we found were a lot of mentally ill people living on the streets, a lot of homeless teens and young adults, a very big party scene, racially segregated communities, and surprisingly very little "culture" considering the proximity to Mexico.

Kids and adults rushed passed us on their bikes and skateboards, not bothering to even acknowledge we were sharing sidewalk space and often forcing us off the sidewalk or to stop and let them pass. We were there an entire year, frequented several business establishments regularly, chatted with a couple of our neighbors and servers, and yet never truly made any friends and certainly were never invited to any parties or gatherings. It was a tough scene to break into, and we never really felt at home.

On our first day here in our new little town, we've already met several new people and feel so completely welcome and safe. This place feels like a true community and I'm looking forward to creating wonderful relationships.

California Road Trip

2007-08-03T01:03:00.000-04:00

Moved from southern to northern California.

Day 1:
Picked up our rental car, loaded all our belongings, checked out of our apartment, dropped off recycling and donations, picked up sandwiches and got on the road.

Took 1-5 from San Diego to some place south of San Francisco, where we got onto route 198(?) for a more leisurely stroll across to highway 101. Then up to SF where we crossed the Golden Gate Bridge (DB's 3rd time, my fourth) and then stopped at a hotel in Navato.

Total time on the road: 12 hours
Total miles: 630

Day 2:
Complementary waffles and ping pong at our hotel before getting on the road. Back down to SF to view the bridge from the old artillery, then a very long and leisurely drive up highway 1 until we could cut across on 116 and 12 to Santa Rosa. Took 101 the rest of the way up, enjoying gorgeous scenery. We reached our final destination in Humboldt County around 7pm.

Total time on the road: 9 hours
Total miles: 320

angel pick me up mercury

2007-06-02T16:38:00.001-04:00

played a rousing game of pick-up-stix with 1/5 box of angel hair pasta this afternoon.

i don't know how or why, but i picked the box up open-end down. and only a couple hours after mopping the kitchen floor! fortunately most of the pasta was salvagable, and yes i did cook and eat it.

c'mon! i just mopped. the floor is clean!

turns out, mercury will be in retrograde on June 15th. this puts us in it's "shadow" period, where its starting to slow down before turning direction. can i ever feel it. its also amusing that i started feeling it before i had any idea it was happening.

not a whole lot else to report on today. except that our replacement bed arrived, we washed all the bedding, and we borrowed our neighbor's vacuum and vaccummed the whole apartment. aaahhh, the chi is flowing and the air is fresh. lets hope mercury doesn't cause too much food related spillage!

save the world with a morsbag

2007-05-04T17:08:00.000-04:00

we consume over a million plastic bags per second. not me and db, but everyone - globally. that's bad. do you know why? lots of reasons. including, plastic bags aren't biodegradable, they trick and kill wildlife who think they are yummy snacks, and the fill up our landfills.

now, i already try to take my paper and plastic bags with me when i go to the grocery so i can reuse them. and i reuse plastic and paper bags as trash bags, lunch bags, packing materials. i even take my plastic bags back to the store with me and deposit them in the plastic bag recycling bin. maybe you do these things, too. it's a fantastic start :)

did you know there are countries and cities around the world who have banned plastic bags? supermarkets and stores are being required to use paper and fiberous material bags, or biodegradable cornstarch bags (similar to plastic). San Francisco is the first US city to pass a law about this.

lets say you've gotten started saving the world by doing some of the things listed above. now, there is even MORE you can do - and its that much better for the environment!

MorsBags.com gives cool instructions on how you can use any recycled fabric to make your own grocery bags. Plus, they advocate you making lots, registering them, giving them to your friends for free, and reducing the number of plastic bags that are consumed each day. i even know some folks on Etsy who are GIVING these bags away. that's how much they want to help you save the world.

what on earth are you waiting for???

Some Things Fun

2007-04-24T14:44:00.000-04:00

You know how I like to share my fav Etsy.com items and sellers with you for holiday gift giving? Well, I figured I'd branch out a bit and share some fun finds... just because.

Two Girls In Love pocket mirror ($6.50). Created by The Wistful Republic in Salem, NH.

Stanley the Sluggish Snail animal suncatcher ($10). Created by Glass Cat in Warrenville, IL.

Beer Bottle Leaf recycled glass suncatcher ($25). Created by Western Art Glass in Minneapolis, MN.

Faery Faith assemblage shrinel ($59). Created by Tink Witch in NJ.

Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuzza Bag rosy mauve and dark burgundy bag ($45). Created by Suzannie in Canton, OH.

stamp out postal hikes

2007-04-17T13:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Friend,

I thought you might be interested in this Free Press e-activism
campaign. If you go to the URL below you can check out what's at
stake and send your own message directly to the decision-makers.
Take action at:
http://action.freepress.net/campaign/postal

Yep, Time Warner is proposing a mailing thingymajig that gives breaks to big companies, therefore being unfare to the little biz. Take a look, and maybe even sign on!

Are you going to San Francisco?

2007-04-11T13:48:00.000-04:00

It's official!

We've booked our flights, made our hotel reservation, have been studying the transit maps, and are reading up on all the neighborhoods we want to visit.

We'll arrive early on DB's birthday, so we have the entire day to celebrate SF style!

We'll also be visiting SFSU and UC Berkeley campuses since we plan to move there in September or January and attend one or both schools. More details on that later.

We may or may not have internet access while we're out and about (haven't decided exactly how "connected" we want to be), but I'll post a run down of the trip when we return.

Making Brown Sugar

2007-04-09T13:54:00.000-04:00

I didn't believe DB when he told me I could make my own brown sugar using white sugar and molasses. After all, he's notorious for making stuff up. Since I didn't feel like walking to the grocery and spending $2 on sugar when we already had white sugar and molasses, I figured I'd give it a shot.

Here's how it works...

Let's say you need 1 cup of brown sugar.
Measure out 1 cup of white sugar into a small bowl.
Add one teaspoon of molasses.
Mix with a fork for 5 minutes, smushing the molasses into the white sugar until it's all mixed in.

Fixing Problem Sugar:
*If it's not dark enough, add a tiny bit more molasses and continue mixing.
*If you add too much molasses and end up with super dark and stinky brown sugar, just keep adding white sugar until it's the color you like. Measure out the amount you need, and save the unused brown sugar in a jar for another day. Just make sure to put a cracker in there to keep it fresh.

Death and Taxes

2007-03-26T20:53:00.000-04:00

Doing my taxes today... again. It's a bit of a neverending process with the Federal, AND the two states. Remind me only to move between states on the 31st of December for the sake of simplicity of the tax return process. Oh, and remind me to stop living in states that have state taxes - also for simplicity sake.

Oh, right. Why am I blogging about my taxes, you ask?

There is an income adjustment on the 2006 CA state tax return for Ottoman Turkish Empire Settlement Payments.

I was so surprised to see this that I rushed right here to tell you about it. And, having forgot all of those important historical facts from World Civ I / II, I have no clue what the hell this settlement payment thingy is about - only that I find it odd to show up on the 2006 CA state tax return.

PS. I have so much I meant to blog about over the last few months, and I will try to fill you in later about my Phoenix adventures, Deloris Huerta (big time playa in the activist scene), my health care scare, and the Belgian Beer Festival.

celebs everywhere

2006-12-14T16:01:00.000-05:00

swear to god, we saw bob dylan at hodad's last night.

i KNOW! why would bob dylan be at hodad's? a greesy buger joint in OB. i can only guess he had the munchies, he looked a little... out of it. but maybe that's just how bob dylan looks.

also, when we stepped out the door two nights ago there was this crazy bright light on the hill up the street. ufo? naw. the bus driver told us it was just filming of "The Heiress" which is in production (obviously) and set for a 2007 release. i can't figure out if it's a tv show or a movie.

a few weeks ago we stumbled upon a different filming down at the cliffs. we weren't able to obtain any info on what movie or tv show it was though. some grips just aren't forthcoming.

fake icicles make me cold

2006-12-12T12:55:00.000-05:00

every office in san diego has a damn christmas tree. will i go to hell for saying "damn" in the same sentence as "christmas tree"? probably, but i don't care because i don't believe in hell. i won't elaborate though, because that's a whole other blog entry.

anyway, im finding most businesses also have snowmen, snow drifts and snow flakes painted on their windows as well. i think i can safely say it hasn't snowed in san diego in at least a hundred thousand years or so.

what does snow have to do with being christian? was there even snow where christ was born? how 'bout evergreen trees? if so, how much/many? enough to warrant painting every window white and putting up damn trees in every lobby? im having a hard time buying that.

don't get me wrong, im not a "grinch". which, by the way, it seems like calling someone a "grinch" because they don't want to partake in celebrating the birth of jesus christ (perhaps because they aren't christian), is a lot like calling people in the USA unAmerican for not wanting to go to war in Vietnam or Iraq. im just saying.

while temping, one of the employees (not my supervisor) comes in with christmas ornaments for the tree, which is directly in font of me accross the lobby. she asks, "Why aren't the christmas lights on?" shit, i don't know. no one left me a note asking me to turn the damn things on. in fact, i didn't see the stupid thing sitting there. does that make me a bad christian? oh, wait - im not a christian.

the employee begins hanging the ornaments she brought in, then looks at me and says "i'll just give these to you - you'll need something to do today." as with most things, when im stunned by an unexpected situation or something ive never encountered before, i said nothing. she left 100 or so plastic icicles sitting at my desk for me to place nicely on the tree.

initially i was annoyed - it seems a little out of the range of temp duties - then figured, "she's right that i don't have much to do." however, once i started placing icicles on the tree, i started thinking, "good thing im not jewish or something." then i thought, "wait, im not christian, either. who cares what religion i may or may not be? people just assume they can just have another person do their religious decorating?"

it probably didn't occur to her i might not be christian. and if it did, it probably wouldn't have occurred to her that a non-christian wouldn't be giddy about decorating a christmas tree - in fact, that it might actually be offensive.

in fact, i am very offended. im so offended that although last night i was contemplating getting a little christmas tree for my apartment (christmas trees aren't really christian anyway), that i don't want a christmas tree anymore. the whole experience has left me feeling gross - forced to participate in someone else's religious practices. it might have been different if she'd asked if i minded, or if it conflicted with my beliefs. but she didn't.

of course, what is really sick is how none of this festive decor - painted windows, lawn ornaments, trees, snow, etc. - has anything to do with jesus christ or being christian. it has nothing to do with anything, really, except consumerism. of course, that's not news - that's been the case for decades, at least.

christmas is now about shopping in malls for $100 sweaters and perfume gift sets, fake snow gracing southern california windows, and plastic trees in offices sporting plastic icicles - in short, spending and glamour. not a whole lot of substance or meaning going on here. but that's alright, that's exactly the way us Americans like it.

because you are bored

2006-12-07T15:58:00.000-05:00

Flickr's Warholizer will keep you busy for at least half an hour, if not more. try it. you'll like it.

holiday shopping guide

2006-11-27T20:55:00.000-05:00

Amazon.com Gift Certificates

Accessory Alamode (New Jersey) creates handcrafted, Limited Edition Artisan Jewelry designs, vintage collage altered art charm pendants, hand-stamped personalized pieces, bridal party jewelry, bookmarks & key chains. A truly unique artisan offering personalized creations with custom orders.
http://accessoryalamode.etsy.com/

Angelic Guidance Session with Allison Oster (San Diego, CA). Allison is a brilliant intuitive who taps into the angelic realm to bring you messages from your guides and angels. She’s highly respected and incredibly gifted. Gift certificates available for phone or in-person sessions.
http://www.allisonoster.com/

Block Party Press (Maryland) creates beautiful ceramic pendants, photo holders, rings and even the most unique Zen rock garden you’ll ever set eyes on! The Zen rock garden can be found under Miscellaneous section of her shop. Custom orders available.
http://blockpartypress.etsy.com/

Bubble Dog’s (New Jersey) store is full of bright, colorful retro bags, wallets and zippered pouches – all designed and constructed by her. Super cute for the bag purveyor in your life.
http://bubbledog.etsy.com

Carla Sonheim’s shop features her adorable paintings, prints and transfers. These are playful works that would be perfect for children’s rooms or even just that space in your office or home where you could use some whimsy and light.
http://carlasonheim.etsy.com

Destiny Designer by Eileen Joyce (Los Angeles, CA). Eileen has created an incredible day planner that truly helps you connect with your highest self each day. The layout is brilliant – the left page asks you to consider what is truly important for the day, asking you to consider what you’ll need to Be and Do in order to Have what you want. The right page begins your day at 7am and with 30 minute increments goes to 10:30pm. There is plenty of room to list your appointments and activities.
eileenjoyce@verizon.net 310-235-1076

Fairy Tale Fibers (Portland – ME or OR?) creates the most adorable fairy and elf hats. Hand created from 100% recycled wool, yet soft as cotton. One of these hats is on my wish list for the next time we move somewhere the temperature dips below 50.
http://fairytalefibers.etsy.com/

The Funky Felter (Kansas City) specializes in felted wool creations such as scarves, wraps, purses, bags, jewelry and even holiday décor.
http://thefunkyfelter.etsy.com/

Into The Blystic by Elis Cooke (Ontario) boasts magnificent handmade journals, collages and paintings that absolutely inspire and dazzle me to no end. I can not put into words the beauty and depth of her work.
http://intotheblystic.etsy.com

Lauren Smash (Oakland, CA) is one of my favorite Etsy crafters. She hand sews the most adorable fleece stuffed animals – from her winter reindeer and snowmen to puppies, bears and dolls. Custom orders available.
http://laurensmash.etsy.com/

Summer Sea Herbs (Western MA) offers a variety of organically grown herbal products – herbal teas, flower essences, smokeless smudge, incense, journey pouches, and more! For those on a magical journey, this beautiful shop has plenty to offer.
http://summersea.etsy.com/

See more of my Etsy.com favorites.

post-turkey jitters

2006-11-25T22:11:00.000-05:00

two station wagons parked near the cliffs. both rocking out. in the first, a woman rocking out to 80s music - she was there an hour ago when we walked by. in the wagon behind her, a man playing guitar. both alone, both in cars, both rocking out.

two hours earlier, two families at the beach. everyone wearing white shirts and jeans. two photographers, one with each family. one family is on one side of the rocks. the other, on the other side. photos here and there. everyone is so fake, so happy and joyful - except the teen girls, who are miserable yet secretly love having their photo taken. i see one look around at the local boys to see if they are watching her pose.

field trip today. cabrillo monument (pronounced cab-ree-oh). whale watching will be fantastic here in winter during migration. today, we only view the boats and light house. beautiful nostalgia covers this hilltop, along with the dead.

pretty peacocks

2006-11-20T14:00:00.000-05:00

Looking through the Gump's catalogue and I'm entranced by their Peacock Christmas Tree. Shimmers and sparkles! I highly suggest clicking the image to zoom for additional views and then zooming all the way in for the best looksee.

i do not heart my neighbor

2006-11-18T09:25:00.000-05:00

our upstairs neighbor makes me crazy.

he is loud, careless, clumsy, and keeps strange hours. therefore, he has come to be quite a thorn in my side.

with his big black Ford truck, little red face and pompous know-it-all attitude.

you never know when he'll arrive home (2pm or 2am), stomping about, slamming drawers and doors. or when he'll be on the phone with debi, his ex-wife, screaming at her about money. or on the phone, which apparently is directly over our sleeping area.

he makes and receives calls at all hours - this morning i was awoken before 5:30am to him making a phone call. the loud buzz of his voice echoing through the floor.

when i could take it no longer, around 6am, i went upstairs and knocked on his door. he didn't answer, but he did get off the phone... for 20 minutes. just long enough for me to crawl back into bed and think i might be going back to sleep.

i want him to be more thoughtful and quiet. i want him to leave debi alone and stay out of other people's business so i can stay out of his. i want him to shut up. i want him to go away.

a day of reading

2006-11-17T19:54:00.000-05:00

today was a reading day. i didn't know that was the kind of day it would be, but it was.

i read in my pajamas. i read while i ate spinach salad with yummy bacon for lunch. i read while drinking chai (still in my pajamas). i put some shorts and a t-shirt on and read up at The Cliffs while the sunshine warmed my face and legs. I read and read and read.

now i shall shower so i am clean for my pizza date with my lovebird.

i double heart etsy

2006-11-15T13:29:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard of Etsy.com, and even if you have, you simply must see this adorably awesome animation made by ALSO

ps. im making and posting more and more stuff all the time! tiny watercolor paintings, cool wallets, and ive been thinking of branching out into bookmarks. whaddya think?

Art Show to Benefit Visual AIDS

2006-11-08T13:58:00.000-05:00

If you happen to be in NYC December 2nd and 3rd, I encourage you to attend
Visual AIDS Postcards From the Edge Benefit, hosted by Sikkema Jenkins & Co. 530 West 22nd Street (between 10th & 11th Avenues).

Not only will you see (and be able to buy) over 1000 original postcard sized pieces of art from established and emerging artists, but one of them will be mine! Can you find it? It's like where's Waldo, only you have no idea what Waldo looks like! Because it's a "hidden name" exhibit where buyers won't know who created the postcard they buy until they've already bought it, I'll post a photo a few days after the completion of benefit.

Donations, proceeds, and money from Postcards From the Edge will benefit Visual AIDS.

tragedy strikes with an iron foot

2006-11-07T16:08:00.000-05:00

i am so sad.
after removing our giant spider's web, it decided to leave.
on it's way out of the building with suitcase in tow, our upstairs neighbor (a clumsy and noisy recently divorced man who we know way too much about due to the necessity of open windows) came down stairs at the beckoning of some female voice and... well, the interaction sounded something like this:

female voice: "oh my god! have you seen this spider? come down here and see this! it's the biggest spider ive ever seen!"

evil neighbor voice: "want me to come kill it?"

female voice: "no, just come look at it!"

queue neighbor's clunky footsteps down the stairs.

female voice: "can you believe this? it's huge!"

queue loud slap of manly shoe hitting concrete and destroying innocent spider.
pan out to lifeless body left in the desolate hallway.

in the evening DB and I took it up to the cliffs for a simple, quiet ceremonial goodbye. although we were terrified of the spider we knew it had no ill intentions. it was as if a powerful soul left our presence.

meanwhile, i am left to wonder what on earth is wrong with people? what is the point of killing something that isn't in your way, harming you, or even threatening? what is it about humans that we kill for sport, for the thrill and joy of being so powerful to destroy life? dear mister president, can you and your buddy dick answer these questions for me and my dearly departed spider-friend?

the great spider relocation project

2006-11-03T18:16:00.000-05:00

i am mad as hell.

about two weeks ago this gigantic spider moved into the hallway of our building. now, i know you're thinking that it's probably the size of a ladybug - but even DB says it's the biggest spider he's ever seen outside of a museum or fish tank. i concur - it's got a body the size of a large rock. clearly, this new occupant has caused some considerable anxiety for me.

the spider took up residence in the hallway, between our mailbox and our apartment door. we can see it from our bathroom window, we can see it when we stick our heads out our door and look down the hallway toward the mailboxes, and we can see it from the street.

my first thought was that it's too big to kill. it would be like killing a puppy - absolutely unthinkable. it probably has feelings and children and grandparents, not to mention a whole lot of blood and guts.

so, to avoid the spider, we started leaving out the back. this lasted for a few days until laziness overcame our fear of being ambushed by a spider the size of a rock. we could see that it was staying over to one side of the hallway and had built it's web there, so i decided to just sprint under the creature. i mean, it would have to really be after me, intentionally calculating my speed and location to drop on me. no problem, i figured, i can live with a giant spider, as long as it doesn't come inside.

as you can imagine, looking out my bathroom window and seeing a giant spider is not what i call relaxing. especially since none of our windows are truly sealed - so really, it could sneak in at any time. in fact, it might and we just don't know it. anyway, tired of running down the hallway at the risk of our neighbors catching me in flight, my next step was to begin bargaining with the spider.

"so, here's the deal. im a little uncomfortable with your location. i know you have every right to live here, and im not going to ask you to leave. but i would love to offer you, what i think, is a better location in the building. where you're at now, there is a lot of traffic and it's a bit breezy. that might be good for catching bugs, but i think there is a better place."

pointing down the hall toward the back of the building, i continue. "see that corner over there? that's the bike rack. barely anyone uses that corner at all, and it's much better shielded from the wind - yet it looks like it might just have more bug traffic. it could really be a prime spot. im not telling you that you have to go. im just bringing your attention to what might be a better deal. you don't have to decide now. just think it over."

next i started pondering what the lesson was in all of this. is it time to release this fear of spiders? am i just supposed to kill the damn thing? am i supposed to let it live and live in the hallway and just make due? what is this about? still uncertain of the lesson, i asked the faeries and angels to help the spider move over to the the bike rack area. intentioning has worked for all kinds of things ive wanted, naturally, it made sense that i could manifest a spider migration if i really wanted to. alas, that was nearly a week ago and it hasn't budged.

i think ive done a great job with this situation. the spider has stayed put, yet stayed near the wall - totally manageable for me. until yesterday.

yesterday it started moving around in it's web while we are trying to run under it. and today when i went to check the mail, the damn thing was smack in the center of the hallway. i can't run under a giant spider that is in the MIDDLE of the hallway! it has to be to one side or the other. and it's not like it was in the middle of the hallway all secure in it's web. it was kind of floating and dangling there from the light fixture. so, it's not like i could even just get over it and run.

so, in order to check the damn mail, which is less than 10 feet from my front door, i had to go out the back of the building, around to the front, and up the stairs - then back around to my apartment. and i did so, mumbling angrily about the spider.

so, yes. im mad as hell at this spider. im angry that it is dangling from the middle of my hallway when it knows im not willing to kill it. im angry that it refused my offer of a possibly better location. im angry that this awful bit of nature has taken up residence outside of my home and that i have to accommodate it's choice and compromise my own personal comfort.

and yes, i am completely aware that i have gone mad. im trying to keep in mind that the spider is not intentionally pissing me off. and that it's just hanging out doing it's spider thing. and i know, it's not the spider's fault that im afraid of it. it didn't make me afraid. then again, i don't recalling choosing this phobia either.

i don't want the spider dead. i want it to move elsewhere. it's too big for any human to attempt moving it. jesus, it's too big to even attempt to kill it. but if it doesn't move we either have to live with it or call the landlord and ask them to spray. dear mister president, at what point does a life become expendable? at what point is enough enough? at what point does my comfort as a human become more important than a spider's right to live in a hallway?

i don't want all the living creatures around the building to die! i don't want to be a murderer - i want to be life affirming! and really, i want someone to relocate this spider to a splendid spider paradise that isn't outside my apartment.

time changes every thing

2006-11-02T15:51:00.000-05:00

so the time change is really messing me up.
and by all accounts, it really truly shouldn't make such a difference. i mean, we just changed a clock we didn't actually change time.

yet my body is all up in arms.

im not sleeping well, exhausted, hungry all the damn time or not hungry at all, and im confused as hell when it gets dark at 5:30pm.

for the love of god, its only a one hour difference in when we get up, eat, and go places! the ACTUAL time is still the SAME, we just call it something else!

maybe i should make a piece of art as a tribute to this insane situation.

"You're not going crazy. You're going sane in a crazy world!"
~The Tick

orphans are great people

2006-10-31T15:24:00.000-05:00

saturday we volunteered at an orphanage.
our mission - to play with children and hold babies for 3 hours... and try not to take one home.

when we arrived, the children were all still in their pajamas and peeking out from their dorm rooms. girls on the left, boys on the right. seeing the arrival of 5 volunteers was enough to send them over the edge with excitement.

the girls came out to give hugs and were quickly ushered back into their room to change their clothes for picture day. the boys essentially rushed us, grabbing hands and legs, and pulled all of us into their room to the big couches in front of the tv. here, they proceeded to hug and cuddle, crawling into our arms, and eventually climb all over us until it was changing time for them, too.

once the kids were changed, they all lined up in front of the gazebo for a group photo. the babies and the beautiful boy in his wheelchair joined them.

after the group shoot, they did family and individual shots. three and four kids of various ages would be grouped together for a photo. at first we thought it was random - none of the kids looked alike. but it became clear that these small groups were siblings.

once photos were completed it was time for clothes changes again, so we went to the baby-room to play with babies. this was so much fun! the babies were so CUTE. most of them loved DB's wacky "surprise" face-making, and DB swears that all the babies adored me - i think they just liked being held.

i admit, it was challenging to stay focused on the positive - my little eyes had a hard time staying dry. here were entire families of children (weeks old to 10yrs) abandoned by their parents or for whatever reason wards of the state. some children were available for adoption, while others were in a kind of permanent foster care until their parents or families are ready or able to take them again. some of them looked so incredibly sad and depressed. yet, the majority of the children were joyful, playful and seemed well-adjusted.

overall we were very impressed with how nice the facility was. we weren't sure what to expect - i've worked in teen shelters but never an orphanage. i do know, if these beautiful children can't be in a safe home with family, they are sure lucky to be in that orphanage - in clean clothes, with bright, clean rooms, plenty of food and water, and with lots of love from staff and volunteers.

Desert Hike

2006-10-24T12:50:00.000-04:00

We went hiking at Lake Morena Sunday. The surroundings were all rocky with a big manmade lake, although the actual "trail" is an old service road and not a trail at all. Apparently, they build a dam in 1902, but the lake never filled. In 1916 the city actually hired a guy from LA to come make it rain. They promised him $10,000 if he could fill the lake. He came, set up shop, and not only filled the lake, but filled the entire valley with rain. The city refused to pay him due to the massive flooding. Typical of government, huh?

In any case, it's a beautiful place, and the air was hot and dry. I love hot dry air - it reminds me of home - the dry desert summer of Moses Lake, WA.

Although there were so many little critters running about, and beautiful landscapes, photos tend not to come out well when the sun is high, so we only took a couple. Wouldn't ya know it, they turned out perfectly :)

Confessions

2006-10-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

Somehow I talked DB into taking me to see Dashboard Confessional and Brand New. He's not a big fan of such music, but I happen to love the mushy lyrics accompanied by a whiney screaming chorus.

I'm sad to say, I was disaapointed by Brand New. I really thought they'd be so much cooler than they were. But it kind of seemed like there was this frat boy leading a band of emo punks... and he just kicked stuff around and rolled on the ground. It was sloppy, as was his singing/screaming and guitar playing. The bass player rocked though. And so did the back up screamer - who has the most perfect screaming whine ever!

Dashboard was tight - and I don't use that word loosly. They really had their act together - great and smooth playing, excellent ability to engage the audience. As DB said of Chris (the lead), "He could insight a riot right now." And he could have. He had all the screaming teen girls and gay boys going mad. I'm not joking. When during one of several chat-it-up-with-the-audience-monologues Chris said "Imagine if we'd never met," there was a guy behind us (who didn't even set my gaydar off) who in all dramatic seriousness said "Oh no, don't even say that!"

It occurred to me, as I was trying to figure Dashboard out, that Chris is a drag queen in tight pants. He looked like an old school Beastie Boy, but sounded like a New Kid. He is so incredibly theatrical, and his voice is clearly that of a choir-geek (being a choir geek myself, I can easily spot the good student who paid attention in class when the teacher talked about clear enunciation, the raising the eyebrows to lift the palette and round out the sounds). And, I confess, I was reminded of my late 80s days in middle and early high school when I'd tune in to the late night radio request shows - the ones that inevitably played dozens of christian rock tunes about friendship and god's forgiving love.

"Friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them..."

what will you do with your toes?

2006-10-17T20:19:00.000-04:00

so, i know it's totally not toe-ring season for most of my friends. but i still feel compelled to share my latest find.

as you know, im selling my wares on etsy.com. well, i don't remember how i found this toe ring exactly at Darling Designs shop, but it is so incredibly comfortable and amazing.

made in MA and shipped like a regular letter. only took it a few days to arrive. the great thing, is Lorene (the shop owner) can make them in ANY color. if you buy one, tell her i sent you (i don't get anything special, but its just nice to know there are peeps referring each other out in the big crafting world).

our first rain

2006-10-14T12:58:00.000-04:00

it's raining. we've been here three months, and its actually raining for the first time. the rain seems to come in spurts of abut 15 minutes of hard rain, then clear skies, then 15 minutes, then clear skies. we don't really have an umbrella, so we're stuck inside. thus, we decided to record our indoor adventure.

me: oh man, i forgot... we're out of chocolate silk. all we have is vanilla silk. how am i gonna eat my autumn wheat without chocolate silk?

db: vanilla silk is good.

me(from the kitchen): oh no! it gets worse! i ate the last of the autumn wheat yesterday! multigrain flakes and vanilla silk? what am i gonna do?

db: im going to do an I Ching reading for today.

db *tosses coins*

db: the bird meets misfortune through flying. she passes by her ancestor and meets her ancestress. he does not reach his prince and meets the official. no blame.

me: so, we shouldn't leave the house?

db: if one is not extremely careful, somebody may come up from behind and strike him. misfortune. *laughs* no blame. he meets him without passing by. going brings danger. one must be on guard. do not act. be constantly preserving.

me: so, we shouldn't leave the house.

db: i think it essentially means we shouldn't leave the house.

two hours later... (rain has stopped, the sun shines and it's toasty warm out)

me: what do you wanna do today?

db: wanna go downtown?

me: okay!

db: we can get some quarters and play air hockey.

me: yeah!

holiday shopping

2006-10-11T22:36:00.000-04:00

okay, so its a bit too soon to gear up for holiday shopping. however, i wanted to let you know that i am selling my wares on my website and on etsy.com (an online place just for handmade items), and you are invited to browse. i do custom orders of all my stuff (paintings, clear tape wallets, light switch plates, mini-boxes, etc.) and would be thrilled to personalize something just for you or your loved one.

amylburns.etsy.com
amylburns.com/gallery

and don't forget the fun of getting a Tarot or Faerie card reading, or Reiki treatment to start the new year off right! these are fantastic gifts, and since there is plenty of time, I can send you a personalized gift certificate to give your loved one.

amylburns.com/tarot
amylburns.com/reiki

a Self-Discovery Session might also be a great gift if you know someone who is in a place of self-discovery, transformation and personal growth. Personalized gift certificates available for these, too.

amylburns.com/coaching

Friends of Amy L. Burns receive a 10% discount or free shipping by mentioning my blog.

pepperoni showdown

2006-10-03T22:28:00.000-04:00

body: "no, please! anything but pepperoni!"

mouth: "gimme that pepperoni..."

*brief scuffle*

winner: mouth.

OB Sunset

2006-09-28T23:59:00.002-04:00

sonic what?

2006-09-28T14:05:00.003-04:00

this is not a love song.

sonic youth played at the san diego house of blues last night.

maybe im just too old to go to shows. maybe im out of touch. maybe there is something fake and ridiculous about the whole music scene that i just cant plug into b/c thats not where im at in my life. or maybe im some kind of poser. i dont know what it is, but ive been feeling disappointed with most of the shows ive seen in the last few years. the sonic youth show was no less disappointing.

Opener:
some random halloween sound-makers came out on stage, knelt down with their backs to the audience, then bent over their equipment so we had to listen to them make noise for 15 minutes while looking at their asses. it blew... unless you like halloweenie noises and butts - which makes this opening act every 8 year old's dream come true.

im pretty sure i could have done whatever it was they did if i had a mic, a 37 key Casio keyboard, a rattle and a distortion pedal, too. maybe not for 15 whole minutes. details. db thinks they were from the kitchen and got pulled out to play as an emergency opener.

Main Gig:
the band members of sonic youth remind me of other non-sonic youth people. some famous, some infamous.

on drums we had SFPOSA's more youthful look-alike (you'll remember SFPOSA from such posts as "you've ruined my entire life and I hate you" and "why did my mom waste 11 years with this freak?" and "I'm sorry siblings, we're not allowed to talk about my feelings.") in any case, the drummer was easily the hardest working member of the band, judging by the sweat and the constant counting, and possibly the only sober one... unless he was on speed, which would make complete sense given his rapid drumming and incredible focus.

on our right we had a really large version of a 15 year old boy. tall, gangly, youthful facial features. he seemed a bit wigged out but maybe he's always like that. anyway, he played and sometimes did this singing gig. not particularly impressive, but whatever.

front and kind of center, we had my aunt pam in a golden mini-dress, flailing wildly around the stage waving her hands all up in the air like she just didnt care. i was embarassed for her. im still embarassed for her. and i wonder what kinds of drugs she takes b/c i never ever want to take anything that makes me forget im on stage in a dress and people are watching me.

sharing center, although somewhat back a bit, was jack black. he did his thing. he didn't make a spectacle of himself. he seemed sober enough. and i liked that about him.

to our left was dustin hoffman - by far the best guitarist on stage and possibly the most interesting of all band members, with the ability to make funny sounds with screw drivers and kind enough to let the audience play his guitar. i liked his attitude.

dustin, jack, SFPOSA were the most "real" of the five. the other two? kind of loopy and poserish. which is ironic considering db tells me sonic youth actually invented all the stuff other bands try to immitate for coolness.

but can you be so yourself that you become a poser?

new fun

2006-09-27T17:10:00.000-04:00

YAY!

My camera arrived on Monday and I've been running around taking photos of my art. Now you can see all my newest creations...

I suggest starting with my most recent paintings, then taking a quick stop over at the tape art and new light switch plates I've been working on in my crafts section.

I haven't taken any photos of the neighborhood yet b/c its been a bit cloudy this week. But the sun has just come out to play today, so perhaps there will be something here later?

broccoli again

2006-09-24T22:04:00.000-04:00

we've been eating broccoli weekly for about a month and i can't think of any other existing vegetables to make! i guess there is asparagus or brussle sprouts, but what other vegetables exist??? are there any? just salad?

knowing how badly you'd want to know, too... i did a search and found... botanists, biologists, horticulturalists, linguists and even the US Supreme Court are interested in the definition of a vegetable.

Definitions of vegetable on the Web:

wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

edible seeds or roots or stems or leaves or bulbs or tubers or nonsweet fruits of any of numerous herbaceous plant any of various herbaceous plants cultivated for an edible part such as the fruit or the root of the beet or the leaf of spinach or the seeds of bean plants or the flower buds of broccoli or cauliflower
of the nature of or characteristic of or derived from plants; "decaying vegetable matter"

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegetable

Vegetable is a nutritional and culinary term denoting any part of a plant that is commonly consumed by humans as food, but is not regarded as a culinary fruit, nut, herb, spice, or grain.

www.inspection.gc.ca/english/anima/fispoi/manman/samnem/define.shtml

The odour/flavour stimulus associated with certain vegetables such as turnips or cabbage.

library.thinkquest.org/13799/html/glossary.html

a plant food. Generally, if it has seeds inside, it is considered a fruit.

www.knowledgebank.irri.org/glossary/Glossary/V.htm

A herbaceous plant grown for eating, usually eaten as part of a meal.

www.futureharvest.org/about/glossary.shtml

part of a plant consumed for nutrition.

www.garden-advice.user.xirium.com/knowledge/glossary/

A plant, or part of a plant, that is grown and used for food. Examples are Carrots, Potatoes, Cabbage, Parsnip, Beans and Kale

North Carolina Department of Agriculture even gets in on the defining gig by essentially saying " It is custom which seems to dictate which plants are treated as vegetables and which as fruit but, generally speaking, vegetables are classified as those annual plants of which the immature succulent roots, bulbs, stems, blossoms, leaves, seeds, or fruits are eaten, and those perennial non-woody plants of which the roots, stems, leaf stalks or leaves are eaten." They also mention that horticulturalists would classify watermellon as veggies!

Semantic Compositions has an amusing blog article about vegetables, particularly tomatoes (which they argue is a veggie). I particularly enjoy the part about the US Supreme Court ruling back in the 1800's.

i am veronica mars

2006-09-23T10:40:00.000-04:00

I'm at my boyfriend's house and everyone is getting ready for bed. It's still daylight, so I'm still up, and apparently going to head out to my old brown station wagon in a bit where I'll sleep. And even though my boyfriend is rich beyond belief and has a huge house, this doesn't seem so strange.

As he starts up the stairs he tells me to ask his bestfriend to walk me out if he's asleep. The ridiculously oblivious Duncan Kane has no idea that he's just answered my prayers.

I sit at the dining table pondering the details of my latest case. How will I save Grace? I jump slightly as I hear someone behind me stir. I turn my head over my right shoulder to see Logan Echolls jumping up from the leather recliner. I had thought he was upstairs.

He says something Loganesque, his typical attempt to keep things superficial. Stopping near me, and with kindness and sincerity he asks "Hey, are you alright?" I tell him about the case, but I don't tell him how badly I want him.

Duncan comes back down, and I feel strangely guilty just sitting here with Logan. It's time to go, and Logan offers to walk me out.

We walk between two brick buildings and down some stairs before noticing a door slightly ajar. I look in. It's Jenny McCarthy in a spot light singing some awful 70's song. Her voice off key and cracking. Logan has slipped through the door, and I step in.

The producer turns as to look at me as Logan slips back out.
"Um, my dog, Snoopy," I say and quickly exit.

Back outside. "Jesus, Logan. What were you thinking?"
"I grabbed this piece of paper in there. Look." He hands me a small piece of paper with writing on each side. The back has a series of numbers. 14, 20, 31... I get the feeling that they're to a combination lock...

mamoth birds

2006-09-22T22:01:00.000-04:00

um, i just came back from watching the sunset (it sets earlier here b/c the earth is rounder at this latitude, so the sun's light has farther to shine around to make it to our faces at this hour), and i'd say i missed it by two minutes and a good 6 inches of cloud on the horizon.

what i really wanted to say, is not about the sunset. it is about the mamoth sized Birds of Paradise I noticed on my way back. I kid you not. These two flowers were as big as my head!

a few fun finds for friday:
decorabilia has tons of amusing bibilical references... this article discusses Thaddeus of the 12 disciples: "Depending on which edition of the original Greek New Testament is consulted, Thaddeus was a machinist or an electrical engineer. Even the origin and meaning of his name is obscure."

Marian Apparitions has a super account of the various sightings of the Virgin Mary and secret messages held in the Secret Archives of the Vatican (which really exist).

And if you ever wondered what your website looks like to colorblind folks... here's your chance to take a peek with VisCheck. Fun times. I'd like to mention that the Tritanope view makes my site all pink and pretty. If I were colorblind I'd want to see everything in pink.

Summer Film List

2006-09-22T14:14:00.000-04:00

So, if you're wondering what on earth I did all summer besides lay on the beach and play Yahtzee and Mancala as if my life depended on it, I've compiled a summer film list.

The image links to Amazon.com where you can buy the movie/series. The text link is to either an official website for the film/series or an alternate site that gives information about the film/series. Movies marked with an asterisk have been viewed by me before this summer. And my brief and superficial review is in plain text, with a maximum rating of 5 stars.

Whisper of the Heart: A little overly dramatic and raised some red flags with implicit messages about basing your life choices on what another person is doing and getting hitched in middle school. I'm also not a big fan of the John Denver song they used through-out and think I might have enjoyed it more in Japanese with English subtitles. I give it 2 stars.

The Squid and The Whale: An interesting and disturbing film about a family going through divorce. 4 stars.

Veronica Mars, Season 1: Couldn't stop watching this series. I think we watched the whole thing in about 3 days, maybe 4 but I can't remember. It was pretty easy for me to guess what was going on in the various sub-plots, but the main "who dun it" was a brilliant shocker. I was also giddy from Veronica's choice of boyfriend toward the end of the season. 5 stars.

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring: Interesting, sorrowful, alarming, beautiful... and interesting. 4 stars.

Red Dwarf, Seasons 5-8*: All in all, Red Dwarf is one of the most brilliant television series ever created by man or alien. However, each season really differs in entertainment value and quality. The best seasons are easily seasons 1, 5 and 8, which I give each 5 stars. The entire collection receives 4 stars.

i heart huckabees*: A brilliant convergence of comedy, metaphysics and film. 5 stars, easily.

Dude, Where's My Car?: Okay, I'm slightly embarrassed that this is on my list. But I defend myself by saying we just wanted something silly. Well, I'd like to note that we were disappointed. We did not get silly. We got stupid. This movie sucked, big time. It doesn't even deserve any stars, so I give it Zero stars.

Ghost World: A bit dry and boring, alarming, and fascinating all at once. I found myself frustrated with the main character who essentially makes it her job to toy with and ruin other people's lives simply because hers is so unfulfilling. 2 stars.

Peaceful Warrior: The book was better, but isn't that always the way? I felt it was a bit too dramatic and superficial and a bit disconnected. However, I also read reviews that said it went over people's heads. In any case, think Karate Kid 4 goes to college with a couple fun digital effects. I give it 3 stars (for effort).

I Am The Cheese: Perplexing, fascinating, thought provoking, yet slow and a bit boring - your typical 80's flick. We've come so far in the last 20 years in dialog and plot development that I'd like to see a remake of this film, pronto. 4 stars, bring a pillow and a psychoanalyst.

Brokeback Mountain: Could have used some deeper character development. Beautiful scenery and music. Heart touching scenes - especially if you know what its like to not be able to be with someone you love. 4 stars, bring tissue.

What The Bleep Do We Know?: I preferred the science part to the underlying attempt at a story line. In fact, the story line just confused me since it wasn't always clearly connected with the documentary aspect. I guess you have to give something to the masses to get them to bite. 3 stars.

Indigo: Cheesy with very poor acting. If you really want to know about Indigo children, read a book on it. This movie made the Indigo phenomenon seem like a ridiculous joke by making the children so over the top with "super natural powers" it was completely unbelievable. If you want to see kids with special powers, see the 80's classic "Fire Starter" with Drew Barrymore. That was a fun movie! I give this One star.

Super Size Me*: Love it. Love it so much I think it should be required viewing for all Americans aged 7 and up. And it should be watched every two or three years throughout life so as not to forget the horrible horribleness that fast food inflicts on us. My compliments to the chef, er film-maker. 5 stars.

Ma Vie En Rose: Bring tissue and if your son wants to wear dresses, let him! What I love about this movie is how obvious it becomes that there is nothing wrong with the child - the people around him are all lunatics! They make little Ludovic feel so horrible about himself with their freakish obsession with gender. It's also such a colorful, beautiful film with believable characters and situations. 5 stars.

Veronica Mars, Season 2: Having only completed disk one, I'll have to give my rating later.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest: I love Johnny Depp. He is such a brilliant actor, taking such interesting roles and really bringing his characters to life. This was a absolutely entertaining movie with wonderful stunts and jovial comedic relief. I'd see it again, and again. 5 stars.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl*: Oddly, the sequel is actually a bit better than this first go at it. But this film still carries good entertainment value, with incredible scenery and acting. On occasion it seemed like I was watching my neighborhood hippies run about. Johnny Depp is dreamy, even as a pirate. 4 stars.

Almost Famous: Truly, the only reason you need to see this film is to catch a glimpse of my neighborhood in the first 5 or 10 minutes. Once you see the 60's / 70's town (which is seriously how it still looks) you can stop the DVD and return it. In the words of DB "it could have been better." 2 stars.

figeater scarab beetle

2006-09-22T01:12:00.000-04:00

these guys like to land on me. they are sacred and special. find out why...

http://totaleclipseanimations.homestead.com/TotalSolarEclipseScarab.html

http://www.sniksnak.com/lore2.html

http://www.skyscript.co.uk/cancer_myth.html

http://www.shira.net/symbols.htm

mallrats

2006-09-18T12:57:00.000-04:00

we spent almost the entire weekend at the mall (aptly named "fashion valley").

we didn't bring much clothing when we moved out here, most of our clothes were way too big on us and rather worn, and we figured it's pretty warm so we could just buy a few new things after getting a good handle on the weather. consequently, on arrival db had one pair of shorts and one pair of dress-up pants for interviewing.

we already tackled the shorts problem early on, but hadn't been able to find db a good pair of pants that fit well. so, once again, we went shopping for db's new pants.

after trying on various styles at old navy and the gap (who either don't have his size, or have wastes that reach his nipples), we spontaneously stopped in banana for a look around. mostly we were there for my benefit, but eventually we wandered into the mens section and found the jeans.

there happened to be one pair in db's size hanging on the sale rack, so we grabbed them and headed to the dressing room. perfect fit, perfect price - it would have been a crime to let them slip through his fingers.

and this was just the beginning of our journey!

we stopped in at the apple store, and db bought me a much appreciated belated birthday gift - a camera I've been eyeing for months. it seemed like such a good price. afterall, i remember it being between $50-$75 more when I started looking at it.

but when we got home we checked it out on amazon and found it to be a good $30 cheaper ($45 if you count tax). i don't know why we didn't research the prices online ahead of time - its usually something i do. anyway, with the extra savings, we could get a memory card for the camera too. so, db bought me a second camera on amazon, and we resolved to return the first to the apple store the next day.

we arrived at the mall 10 minutes before opening, finding dozens of people congregated in front of the apple store doors, waiting, we presumed, for the release of the new iPod nano. it was slightly ridiculous, yet we were there too, and no one could know that our reason was not to succumb to the latest fashion craze of a pink nano.

doors opened, we waited only a short while in line, and then were invited to a registered.

apple guy: "hey."
db: "I'd like to return this." (i had over the box and receipt.
apple guy: "what's going on?" (presumably wanting to know why we are returning it)
me: "um, just a return."

apple guy looks at the box, turns it over a few times, opens it up and takes everything out, inspecting each piece before putting it back in, closing the box, turning it over and over looking at the box and opening it up again and looking inside.

apple guy: "what's missing?"
me: "uh, there shouldn't be anything missing we didn't even open the box." (wondering if this guy is gonna give us trouble)

apple guy goes back and forth from reading the back of the box to checking the contents.
apple girl comes up to the register to see if apple guy needs any help.

apple guy: "they said they didn't open it. i don't know what to do."
apple girl: "i'll reshelve it."

apple guy gives us our refund and we exit.

does anyone else find this situation to be slightly odd?

moving on... our next stop is the movie theater to buy tickets to the 1:10pm show of Pirates of the Caribbean 2. with two hours before the movie we look around at some other fancy stores, home goods, etc., then stop at Uno's for lunch.

a bit like the crappy harvard ave Uno's, there is still a nostalgic feeling to be felt as we enjoy a warm cookie with ice cream, just like the winter we met... only we're outside in the warm sun.

the lady next to us calls the server over - "can i order a shot of tequila for this?" she points to her margarita.
server: "sure, is there something wrong with your drink?"
customer: "well, i can't taste the tequila in it."
server: "i see. the tequila we use is top shelf, so you may not taste it."
customer: "well, can i have another shot of tequila to put in it?"
server 2: "what's the problem?"
server 1 to server 2: "she can't taste the tequila in her margarita."
server 2 to customer: "the tequila is a top quality brand, so it is filtered more than lower quality tequilas, so you won't be able to taste the alcohol."
customer: "oh. are you sure they even put any in it?"
server 1: "yes, absolutely."
customer: "can i get another shot to put in it?"
server 1: "yes, I'll be right back."

after lunch and the fantastic sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean, we finally headed home. full-up and ready for the beach.

sand wasps

2006-09-13T23:14:00.000-04:00

I've managed to find the most interesting thing in the universe right here in my back yard... the Sand Wasp!

Why is this wasp so damn interesting? Well, look at! It's BLUE and black striped, with bright little yellow-green legs. Have you ever seen a wasp like this? Gorgeous.

They are such sweet little things, too. I asked some of them to stop flying about so I could get a closer look and they did. They just landed right on the sand in front of me and let me get all close while they waited.

but seriously folks

2006-09-06T17:45:00.000-04:00

i am so tan, i make wheat bread look white.

if tan were a superhero they'd call me SuperTan.

ive got a tan sooo dark, people actually think im from california.

for serious. im pretty sure you have never ever in your whole life time seen me as tan as i am in this very moment - unless you knew me when i was 8 years old or 14 years old... then, maybe.