Controlina and Chaoster

so, in therapy we discussed the irrational fear of being attacked in my home, which was the topic of the previous entry. i didn't disclose everything to my therapist - about the fear while showering, or the fear of sexual assault. it was only our fourth session, so i'm still not in 100 percent trust, even though i want to be. i still hold back. anyway, we discussed the fear a bit.

my therapist linked my fear of an intruder in my home to my control/chaos stuff. let me explain.

i keep a tight ship. i am the queen of control. i have been for almost as long as i can remember. mostly this manifests as me working to control my emotions and my environment. i need quiet, structure, stability. if i were a superhero i would be Controlina and my arch nemesis would be Chaoster. my superpower? Cold hard rational - i make sense of things and they go away, dissolve, feel better. my weakness - my kryptonite? irrationality - i am powerless against irrationality. i can deal with paradox, but not irrationality. i just can't wrap my head around it because it doesn't make sense.

here's where it gets interesting...
my fears are irrational. and what would someone breaking in need to be (what kind of person?) in order to break into my home and do harm to me? they would need to be "crazy"... completely irrational and out of control. right? no sane, logical, rational person would break into someone's home to harm them.

i am afraid of chaos, of the unknown, of what i can't control.

this may not seem very profound. now that i've written it down it's all very obvious. and certainly my irrational fears haven't gone away just because i figured out one aspect of what they represent. but that, my therapist said, is what we'll uncover in our work together.

i find that terrifying.