The Silent Treatment pt1

When my dad gets mad at people he shuts them out. He ignores them when in the same room/home, and doesn't contact them if they live apart. Then one day out of the blue, he begins talking to /contacting them again as if nothing out of the ordinary transpired. The unspoken agreement is that everyone just allows this to happen and doesn't address the problem that had happened, or the communication issue. It's rather odd.

I've only lived with my dad a handful of times... as a baby for maybe a year (while my mom and he were together), when I was 10 (for about 4 months), again when I was 14 (for about 5 or 6 months), and then when I was 17 (for about 2 months).

When I was 8 - 11 I would stay with my dad for part of the summer. And from age 8 to 13 I was supposed to stay with him every other weekend. When this didn't happen it was because he didn't show up. And in fact, he'd disappear from my life for months at a time, even though he wasn't mad at me. He simply had a drug problem that had spiraled out of control.

While growing up we'd always had a very positive relationship. He had always been patient, loving, caring, playful, and kind. In fact, he never yelled at me while I was a child, or spanked me. He just didn't believe in it.

The only time he ever yelled at me was in front of his new girlfriend (at the time) when I was 14, and it was a total over-reaction to me not wanting to do the dishes. What 14 year old wants to wash dishes? The way I remember it, he only asked me twice before yelling. If I had been his girlfriend, that would have been my first clue to exit the relationship.

When I was 17 he shut me out over child support payments - something which had little to do with my choices but everything to do with his and my mom's choices. He didn't come to my high school graduation or my graduation party (which was held at his mom's house). I received no acknowledgment for my accomplishment other than a subpoena... he was suing me to end child support payments because I was living in a transitional housing program for homeless teens... the result was a court order to continue paying until I graduated from college (which would be a couple years more in payments than if he'd have not done anything). All of this was extremely painful for me and still impacts my relationship with money today.

A couple years later, once I was attending a WSU, he tried to re-enter my life... his first phone call to me was asking if I could get him Apple Cup tickets. I told him I couldn't, and then bought tickets for me and my mom to go instead. I felt like he was trying to use me for his own benefit. I certainly didn't feel like he deserved anything from me.

Within another year he started pressuring me to graduate early... his girlfriend was pregnant and they needed that child support money that was still coming to me monthly. A whopping $220 a month. I told him "no" because I was not willing to compromise my education.

I sent him holiday cards and a birthday card after that... hoping to still have a somewhat amicable relationship. I didn't hear back. So, I assumed he was ignoring me, and I decided that I was done. I would absolutely no longer tolerate someone coming into and dropping out of my life whenever they felt like it. It had traumatized me emotionally. It was not okay and I felt strong enough to say so.

So, I wrote him a letter from the depths of my pained heart telling him about every negative experience I could remember having in his care (the humiliation, the lies, the abandonment), and everything I had wanted from him (love, communication), and what I saw that stood between us (his greed), and that I would no longer be speaking to him because it was not healthy for me to have him in my life (or popping in and out).

We didn't speak for a decade.

I think it was one of the healthiest choices I could have made for myself. I needed to create stability in my life. I needed emotional safety. I needed to heal.

All of this did come with some added unpleasantness. My dad's family (his sisters, and mom) were very invested in me and him having a relationship. They would urge me to talk to him, call him, try to be in his life. They could not have understood how much pain he had caused in my life. I told them that they only thought I should talk to him because he was my dad. If he had been a spouse and had treated me the way he treated me, they would have applaud me for getting out of an abusive relationship and would have told me never to look back. But because we share some DNA I should forgive him and allow him to make up the rules that determine how our relationship work. All but my Grandma eventually stopped talking to me... By shutting out an abuser, I lost most of my family.

Today I am not close with my dad by any means. He refuses to discuss anything that happened in the past, any choices either of us made, our not talking for years. He won't even acknowledge it. But he must be hurting, too. We send emails a couple times a year. Mainly I think he just wanted to create a connection between me and his 12 year old daughter, my youngest sister. I suppose that means he thinks I turned out okay. She and I communicate through email weekly, sometimes more or less. And I hope it has been a positive experience for her. It has been for me.

As I think about my dad's way of coping with his emotions - to shut out people - I can't help but think about my own way of dealing with my emotions. Mostly I tell people how I feel when or soon after I've recognized what I'm feeling. Sometimes it takes me a lot of time to sort it all out. I don't often get upset enough to shut people out, but sometimes I do... but the only person I really do this with is my partner. And it tends to be because what I feel is wholly overwhelming... if I truly let it through I will rage or cry or say something very very damaging. And in all honesty this is a terrifying thought. I certainly do not want to go wild with rage at my partner, or sob uncontrollably. And under no circumstances do I want to say anything hurtful or damaging.

But ignoring someone causes them pain, too. I know this firsthand. And as I imagine how my partner must feel when I am so angry that I ignore him for a whole day, I feel guilty. I don't want to cause that kind of pain. The upside is that, unlike my dad, once I've done some thinking on whats going on for me, I am able to talk about whatever happened. And I am able to even talk about how I used silence and why.

But the truth is that my dad's tools won't work for this job. I need new tools to deal with my emotions. I need tools that heal and join. I need tools that nurture connection and provide understanding.