afraid of the unseen

About a week or two ago an old fear came back...

As a child I had an intense irrational fear of snakes coming out of the toilet and shower drain. I wasn't afraid of snakes - I've always liked them. But I was afraid that while sitting on the toilet snakes would emerge to attack me. Or while I washing my hair and had my eyes closed, snakes would come up from the drain to attack me - sometimes I was afraid spiders or snakes would come out of the showerhead, too.

I was unable to alleviate these fears for many many years, no matter how rational I was able to be about it. I knew I was safe. I knew no snakes or spiders could fit through those tiny holes. I knew that it was highly unlikely snakes could make it all the way through the plumbing and up the drains into my toilet or shower. But I was still terrified.

What made matters worse was my long hair... which if seen by me while in a showering situation, sent me into a panic that spiders and snakes were upon me.

I had another shower-related fear, too. But this one developed when I was a little older (maybe late teens, but definitely by college). The terror that someone would break into my home and attack me while I was in the shower - unable to see or hear them. Now, you're thinking "oh, she watched Psycho"... yes, I had seen that film. But it didn't really frighten me. And I wasn't afraid of Norman or his crazy dead mom, or being knifed. Mostly I was afraid of sexual assault.

I dealt with all of these fears by washing my hair very quickly, with my eyes wide open. It was okay to close my eyes for a snap second, but only just. Because even one second was enough to send my fear spiraling out of control - my heart palpitating, my mind racing.

I never could really do much about the snake/spider fear. I just had to keep telling myself not to worry, it's nearly impossible. But when I was old enough to have my own apartment, I dealt with my "stranger breaking in and attacking me while I showered" fear by buying a clear shower curtain.

A clear shower curtain allowed me to always see what was happening in the bathroom, and somehow it eased my fears tremendously. In fact, I don't remember when that fear finally went away, but certainly it's been gone for a decade or so... until last week.

Last week, without any warning, I found myself in the shower... gripped by fear that someone was in the apartment and on their way to the bathroom to harm me.

Where on earth had this come from? Why was this fear back? It has continued daily since it's reappearance, and once last week I was startled when a piece of my long hair brushed against my bare shoulder and I saw the thick darkness of it against my pale skin.

We've gone a few years without having a clear shower curtain mostly because we've had transparent shower doors or roommates who bought the shower curtains before we arrived. And we've had opaque shower curtains for several months without me experiencing this kind of reaction. So, why now? What changed?

When I think about what is happening in my life at this very moment, what comes up for is that I feel so incredibly vulnerable. There are a lot of unknowns right now and I do not feel safe.

The biggest thing that I can grab hold of to make sense of this fear is that my health is wacky - I don't know which way is up when it comes to my body anymore, it's a different ballgame and no one gave me a rule book. I'm increasingly afraid of dying young. I have no issues dying when I'm 75, but when I think of being very ill and dying in a couple years it really scares me - I cry every time I let the thought cross my mind. And even though I've never felt ready to have kids, I'm deeply saddened that I don't have children and probably never will. And I am afraid of my Medicaid not being renewed - that would mean no medical care, which I need because who knows when this disease is going to crank up the volume.

I never expected my 30s to be a terrifying time in my life. I thought I was done with all the fear.

For the moment, I pull the opaque outter shower curtain back so that I can see through the transparent liner... it helps a little, but it doesn't fully soothe my fears. I am meeting with a therapist tomorrow, so now I suppose we'll have something to discuss, haha. I hope we can pull back the opaque layer of my mind and investigate what is on the other side.