heavy hearted

my heart has been so heavy the past couple days. i just feel like i want to cry, and often do with little provocation. im not really sure how to deal with this. do i just sit down for a cry? do i journal? is there some way to work through how i feel so that there is release and healing? what is my problem?

the only thing i can think of is to keep busy. don't let the sadness take over. keep it at bay with busy hands.

so, i tried going to the ceramics studio for open studio hours but the doors were locked. i came home and started messing about my art studio, listening to music. i made some phone calls so i could check those things off my to-do list. i put a couple hours into an online game i got into over the summer. i worked on gifts for people (im practicing cards with pop-outs using construction paper). i worked on photo organization. and im running out of stuff to "do."

i dont really feel like doing a whole lot of creative self-expression activities. but eventually im going to have to just stop doing and just be in the emotion.

Paradox

Often times I struggle with how to deal with the paradox of having power and privilege in some areas of my life (being white, appearing/passing as heterosexual, having a college education, having English as my first language), while in other areas of my life experiencing systematic oppression (being queer and female, growing up in poverty, navigating the bureaucracy of government assistance). How I view myself conflicts with how I actually experience the world around me.

I see myself as an empowered, healthy, educated, white, woman, but when I interact within American systems of power and privilege / oppression (it's paradoxically both!) there are ways in which any empowerment I feel is undermined and where I experience a deep sense of helplessness and powerlessness. For example, waiting for 6 hours at a clinic to see a social worker for Medicaid screening before I can finally access a doctor for my immediate illness, or even the 10 month process of trying (and retrying) to get Medicaid.

As I move through these systems I find myself feeling embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, powerless, and insignificant. And as I am often treated as such, my self-confidence drops and I find it difficult to speak up for myself or ask for what I need.

There is internal conflict between who I see myself as / who want to be (an agent of change, someone who empowers others, someone who can buy what she needs when she needs it), and how I experience the world / who I am (someone who feels helpless and powerless while navigating our social services as a client, and someone who has so little money she feels the need to comparison shop for 8 months over a $9.50 brush although her old one is down to only a dozen bristles).

I still don't know how to deal with the paradox. Can I be both empowered and dis-empowered at the same time? How do I hold onto any sense of empowerment I feel when I experience this deep sense of powerlessness?

out of practice

as i was sitting in contemplation today, it occurred to me that about 20 years ago (while i was a teenager) i began cutting out from my life the things that brought me joy. the one that stood out in my mind was singing. the only thing i really wanted to be while i was growing up was a singer. well, specifically a rock star, but whatever. so, in middle school, as soon as choir was an available elective, i began singing publicly. i loved it. i loved the public recognition. i loved expressing myself through song.

so, what was it that made me choose to stop being in choir?

i can think of a few things that really caused me to make such a choice.
1. we moved a lot. so, although i was being recognized by my teachers (who wanted me to try out for various singing groups in the next grade), every time we moved i had to start over in a new school where i didn't know the teacher and they didn't know my ability.

2. there was a lot of conflict within the group. at one school i actively participated in this type of drama, and was disgusted with myself for getting sucked in. i didn't want to hurt other people, and i didn't want people trying to engage me in conflict either.

3. although i received some recognition from teachers, i had little or no support from my family. i only recall one occasion that anyone in my family came to see me perform and it was a struggle to get them there - a whole two blocks from our house. without family supporting my interests, just by showing up, i started to look for adults who would be there for me, and found this in youth activism.

i miss singing. i miss performing. but now i feel so out of practice. i did get some of what i needed when i started taking violin lessons a couple years ago. but it's not the same.

i wish i'd have found a different way to deal with the inner conflicts, and i wish i'd have found an adult to support my singing. perhaps i'd have made a different choice about it and my life would be just slightly more satisfying today.

not sure how i'll move forward on this one.

giving voice to my experiences

i think maybe it's time to start blogging again. it's been a LONG time. and i think i may have thoughts and feelings and experiences i need to give voice to. and you should be warned, they aren't pretty and flowery... well, some could be. but by and large they are of the "looks like i'm battling depression" variety.

i'm struggling right now. that's probably not really new. technically i've been struggling my whole damn life. but there was a period of about 6 years in my mid-twenties when i was taking anti-depressants and my life felt pretty free from struggle... until i decided to stop taking anti-depressants about 4 years ago.

actually i'm not certain how much "choice" i really had in the matter... when it came down to it, i could either continue to buy anti-depressants or i could continue to pay rent and buy food. i could not continue to do both. i no longer had medical insurance, so i paid out-of-pocket for my medication for 8 months until i could no longer afford it. then i had to taper off the medication and start my long descent into the hell that is... well, whatever this is, it's surely not truly who i am or the life i am meant to live.

so here i am. i'm confused, exhausted, angry, sad, terrified, stagnant, impinged upon, and isolated. and this is just how i feel on a typical day. on a good day, i feel better. on a bad day, worse.

i find that i don't want people to know i'm struggling, or know how i'm feeling. they might feel sorry for me. and i hate it when people feel sorry for me. or they might blame me. and i hate being blamed. they might hold me up as some sort of example. and i hate being an example. they might tell me what to do. and i really hate being told what to do.

i can't imagine what my life looks like from the outside. but from the inside, it's a pretty lonely and painful place. it is in this blog that i will try to give voice to my experiences, with the hope that this will be therapeutic and offer me some relief.