out of practice

as i was sitting in contemplation today, it occurred to me that about 20 years ago (while i was a teenager) i began cutting out from my life the things that brought me joy. the one that stood out in my mind was singing. the only thing i really wanted to be while i was growing up was a singer. well, specifically a rock star, but whatever. so, in middle school, as soon as choir was an available elective, i began singing publicly. i loved it. i loved the public recognition. i loved expressing myself through song.

so, what was it that made me choose to stop being in choir?

i can think of a few things that really caused me to make such a choice.
1. we moved a lot. so, although i was being recognized by my teachers (who wanted me to try out for various singing groups in the next grade), every time we moved i had to start over in a new school where i didn't know the teacher and they didn't know my ability.

2. there was a lot of conflict within the group. at one school i actively participated in this type of drama, and was disgusted with myself for getting sucked in. i didn't want to hurt other people, and i didn't want people trying to engage me in conflict either.

3. although i received some recognition from teachers, i had little or no support from my family. i only recall one occasion that anyone in my family came to see me perform and it was a struggle to get them there - a whole two blocks from our house. without family supporting my interests, just by showing up, i started to look for adults who would be there for me, and found this in youth activism.

i miss singing. i miss performing. but now i feel so out of practice. i did get some of what i needed when i started taking violin lessons a couple years ago. but it's not the same.

i wish i'd have found a different way to deal with the inner conflicts, and i wish i'd have found an adult to support my singing. perhaps i'd have made a different choice about it and my life would be just slightly more satisfying today.

not sure how i'll move forward on this one.