giving voice to my experiences

i think maybe it's time to start blogging again. it's been a LONG time. and i think i may have thoughts and feelings and experiences i need to give voice to. and you should be warned, they aren't pretty and flowery... well, some could be. but by and large they are of the "looks like i'm battling depression" variety.

i'm struggling right now. that's probably not really new. technically i've been struggling my whole damn life. but there was a period of about 6 years in my mid-twenties when i was taking anti-depressants and my life felt pretty free from struggle... until i decided to stop taking anti-depressants about 4 years ago.

actually i'm not certain how much "choice" i really had in the matter... when it came down to it, i could either continue to buy anti-depressants or i could continue to pay rent and buy food. i could not continue to do both. i no longer had medical insurance, so i paid out-of-pocket for my medication for 8 months until i could no longer afford it. then i had to taper off the medication and start my long descent into the hell that is... well, whatever this is, it's surely not truly who i am or the life i am meant to live.

so here i am. i'm confused, exhausted, angry, sad, terrified, stagnant, impinged upon, and isolated. and this is just how i feel on a typical day. on a good day, i feel better. on a bad day, worse.

i find that i don't want people to know i'm struggling, or know how i'm feeling. they might feel sorry for me. and i hate it when people feel sorry for me. or they might blame me. and i hate being blamed. they might hold me up as some sort of example. and i hate being an example. they might tell me what to do. and i really hate being told what to do.

i can't imagine what my life looks like from the outside. but from the inside, it's a pretty lonely and painful place. it is in this blog that i will try to give voice to my experiences, with the hope that this will be therapeutic and offer me some relief.