i wish

i wish i could talk to you right now.
i wish we had a few days together starting this second.
if we did, i would talk about all the things im thinking about.
i would tell you how much i miss you and love you and what i imagine for our future.
and then you would know i imagine a future with you.
and then maybe i could tell you what that means to me.
and you could tell me which parts sound good and which parts are scary, but sound good anyway.

2.75 weeks is not enough time

Oy Vey!

Seattle has been wonderful! It started out rainy but perked up a week into my stay. The sun has been shining warm, beautiful, healthy, energizing rays and I've been soaking up as much as I can stand.

I've been able to visit with a small handful of folks - not nearly as many as I'd like to have seen. But we are all bound by schedules, timing, work and family life, etc. Oh, and also energy levels. For those who don't know, I tend to require a great deal of alone time. Not because I don't like people... I LOVE people! And I adore you all, my friends and family. But after visiting with a person, even if its just a few hours, I find that I need the next day to recover. Thus I keep somewhat of a low profile when I'm visiting, and only tend to get around to visit 1/10th of my "Who I Want To See" list. I find this frustrating and somewhat disappointing. I love catching up. And I love keeping connected enough that playing catchup isn't required. Alas, I lack much of the energy required to stay connected to so many fantastic people. It takes a lot of work and energy to have relationships - especially meaningful ones. In other words, I'm sorry to those of you I didn't get to see :( I miss you. You are wonderful gifts in my life, and I do not mean to neglect you. I'm thinking the best solution might be to have a BBQ or meet up someplace next year when I'm in town - and folks can drop in if they are available. Another reason I'd like to do this is that as I visit with folks, I realize that so many of you could find value in each other as new friends. Some of you have expressed having a lack of meaningful connections here. It is difficult in our society to meet like-minded folks, and folks you can really trust and build beautiful friendships with. I'd love you to meet each other and find the beauty and magnificence that I see in each of you. So, next summer when Daniel and I come to visit (or stay!), count on some kind of gathering.

I turned 29 yesterday. I don't feel 29, but then again I've never felt "my age". I feel about 23. Coincidentally, I look about 23. My mom is so cute. She left me a card when she went to work in the morning. It had a pop-up heart. She wrote "I'm glad to have you here with me." Wow. It may not seem like an amazing thing for a mom to say. But there was a time - a very long stretch of time, I felt very unwanted and very disconnected from my mom. And really, I've only started to feel us reconnecting in the last few years. In part, its possible because she is so much more healthy than during my first 25 years of life. But I recognize I also have a role in our relationship changing. I think I've opened up a lot more, let down some barriers, and made some changes in how I approach people. And I think this has made it possible for her to do the same with me. You may have noticed I'm a bit more loving and have so much more gratitude for life than ever before. Not that I don't get grumpy... or insecure... I'm still human and still have much work to do. So, my mom got off work a little early to spend my birthday with me. We made dinner and just hung out. Thats my favorite thing to do with my mom - nothing. I'm so fortunate to be building a relationship with my mom. And we get along so well - despite being so different. I just like being around her, and I'm sure I look a bit like a puppy dog following her around the house, out to the yard, back into the house, to her room... everywhere she goes, at her heels. Hopefully its more flattering and cute than annoying!

Today I'm relaxing, catching up on computer stuff, maybe some sunbathing if there is time, working at 4pm, then spending the evening with my brother (at the outlet mall, which was his idea, not mine). Saturday my bus leaves Marysville at 3pmish, and I will be flying out of Seatac at 6pm... back to Boston. I haven't decided if I will stay in Boston for a couple days or not. I need to discuss this with Daniel's parents who have generously offered to pick me up from the bus stop nearest their home.

Daniel and I are planning to see each other on his day off in a week. Our communication restrictions have made this time rather challenging, but the "worst" is over now that he gets weekly time off. We can at least talk once a week for more than 10 minutes. I've been reviewing our AIM conversations and I am incredibly amused by what I read. We are cute. Ridiculously cute. And often absurd.

I'll probably post this on one of my blogs/ journals. So, feel free to check them out if you just didn't have time to read this and want to delete it. (I like to keep my email boxes cleaned out).

I wish I had more time here in Seattle. But I guess thats what makes this time so valuable - that there is a limited amount.

Take care of yourselves and keep in touch. I love you!

Amy

hitting the jackpot

With Daniel away for two months I've had time and space to consider what our relationship means to me. And while in Seattle I've had the wonderful opportunity to talk with my friend Jennifer and her husband Doug about all kinds of exciting stuff, including relationships.

As I retell "our story", my unlikely meeting and connection with Daniel, my sense of awe and the depth of my gratitude and love for him is constantly renewed. Perhaps even increased. I return to a place of wonderment and complete appreciation. And as fortunate as I feel, I know that I am more fortunate than I will ever understand. Infinitely fortunate. For finding Daniel, and Daniel finding me, can only be described to others as "Imagine you played the lottery, knowing you'd walk away with some kind of winning, but not knowing how much. The jackpot is 1 Million dollars. Imagine you won the entire jackpot which could be paid out to you in one lump sum or over the rest of your life. Pretty exciting, huh? Now, imagine the lottery commission informed you that not only did you win the 1 Million dollar jackpot, but you just so happened to be playing on a one-time-only, very special day where if the person who won the million dollars also had your exact initials they would get a bonus of 1 Billion dollars in one lump sum or over there life time... with NO TAXES. Not only do you, the jackpot winner, get a million bucks - enough money to live a fantastic life of comfort, but you get a bonus amount that allows you to essentially do whatever you want for the rest of your life! You can share this wealth, you can travel, work or not, open your own business, buy an island, eat wherever you'd like in the fanciest clothing, or just live simply but without cares. Its up to you. The point is, your financial cares are nill and you are set for life."

What kind of elation and gratitude and joy would you experience if that happened to you, all because you took a small risk?

Daniel and I played the lottery. Not the state lottery for money. The relationship lottery. As I see it, we each took a chance, knowing maybe nothing much will come of it, but that you never know, might win something. And I feel so much gratitude and fortune and joy that I have this beautiful man in my life.

Of course, I imagine the excitement of winning the lottery might wear off after some time, but the truth about this life is that the kind of feelings I have for Daniel are not just the momentary excitement of winning a prize. I feel more of a peaceful love and joy, a sense of true connection with him and gratitude for life. That the two of us, were in the exact right place at the exact right time and took such unlikely risks, is nothing short of divine.

the weather connection

there are days when i, the optimistic and go-with-the-flow me, wonder what the hell im doing.

today, cloudy and rainy in seattle, is one of those days.

is it me or is it the weather? it really makes no difference where it comes from. its here, this feeling, and thats all that counts right now. i want to honor my rhythms and just sit with it. so, today, i shall sit with it and i shall write it out.

i miss home. and when i say home, i mean seattle. yeah, im here right now, and yeah i miss it. spending time with my mom and my friends and seeing them mostly happy with things and making changes to better themselves and their lives, i miss being a part of it. i miss knowing what is going on, being involved and being supportive. yeah, i can do this from boston, but its not the same.

ive enjoyed spending time with vy. we've known each other for nearly 20 years now. twenty freaking years. over 2/3rds of our lives. and although we've repeatedly lost touch due to moving and major life changes, we've always found each other again and been able to appreciate each other's amazing ability to not only survive but thrive. no, neither of us are living up to our potentials, but both of us are doing as much as we can and doing as best as we can with what we've got and what we know.

i love getting back in touch and being able to encourage each other. what i dont love is being absent. losing touch. the inability to just pop in and say hello and watch the grass grow or her babies grow, or just watch a silly movie and say nothing, or arrange for someone to watch the kids so we can go to dinner and then say everything.

i miss being with the people who have known me my whole life, even if they truly have no clue who i have become today. and i miss the ease and silence of just being and knowing that no matter what i do or who i am or what i become, we can just sit there and be at peace, or sit there and share each others frustrations and sadness, or sit there holding sacred space of love and knowing and total support for each other... even when we think the other person is making a mistake.

i miss being an everyday part of my friend's lives. i miss community and connection and knowing i'll always have a place, no matter what.

and i know these things can exist to some extent if im gone, but i want the in-person part of these things. i want to see faces and have hugs and hear the voices. i want to be able to see each other enough to be deep as often as we are superficial. this is something that takes time to create and develop. it cant just be a quick phone call here and there.

i miss watching the children grow up, and being a positive part of people's lives. i miss helping out when a friend has surgery, watching the kids, making meals or cleaning the house. i miss everything.

yet, i am not without fault. i dont call just as much as they dont call. i dont visit just as much as they dont visit (regardless of how much it costs). i dont write or email just as much as they dont write or email. i shut myself off just as much as they shut themselves off. and i resist coming home even though i long to be here.

i want meaningful connection without obligation. can you have one without the other? i want to witness the beauty without witnessing so much of the ugliness. and as i grow older, and the clock ticks faster and faster, i wonder if im being true to myself. am i ignoring my needs. could i come home and be happy? could i thrive out here? am i denying myself the opportunity to have a community, or is the weather getting to me?

a mind is a powerful thing to waste

its a store on the first floor of an older victorian house. maybe the kind of cool shabby-chic place you'd see in jp. the front door opens into a spacious area with windows on the left, looking out onto a grassy yard. 20 feet back, through an open double doorway, there is two steps up into another spacious room with iron gated doorway on the left. all the way in the back is nother small doorway, perhaps to the kitchen or bathroom.

the rooms display clothing, beautiful and unique wooden sculptures, everything with a powerful aura. the owners, a man and woman, aproach. myself and a dozen others are here for a workshop, a contest. we all gather around to listen to the gentleman speak to us.

we are here today to compete for a large prize. perhaps $25,000 dollars. perhaps something even more amazing. it is a battle of wills, a battle of the mind. using our minds, we must outwit each other, cause our opponents to "surrender". there is no hand to hand combat, no actual physical contact allowed. this is a mental challenge, we can only use our psyche to battle the other.

we begin.

folks are hiding from each other, behind clothing and sculptures. you must be able to see a person in order to wrap your mind around them, get to them. if you cannot be seen, you are safe. hiding while seeking.

someone sees me and i know they will use spiders to attack me, its truly the only fear i have. it takes all of power to keep thoughts of spiders from crawling into my mind. i focus on seeing what is really there, and keeping my opponent locked out. i do not allow eye contact.

when i finally feel i have over powered the thoughts, i direct my energy back at my opponent, causing him to see a giant snake wrap around him. he is paralyzed with fear, yet i see him trying to focus his mind to battle the snake. the images and experiences are all in our minds, nothing is real.

he breaks away and we both retreat, attempting to be out of view from each other and our fellow competitors. we need time to rest, to regain our strength.

these battles continue throughout the night - we each work to find the others weak points and take them down one at a time. occassionally we will trade information, gang up on one person, taking down someone with great strength and power.

eventually there are three of us left. i recognize that the only way to win is to team up with someone, but there is also the threat that my opponents will team up to eliminate me as well. i also realize another option. i approach my opponents under the promise of peace. if the three of us band together as a team, we can end this now. we can split the prize 3 ways and all 3 of us win. it is either this, or two of us go down. none of us want to be one of the two.

at this same time i am proposing we come together, i also think about this whole event. this whole night of battle could have easily been avoided and changed if we had, instead of competing, come together in love and shared the reward. and with all the incredible power of mind we each had and used, how much healing and love could we have created and shared with each other? how much bliss could we have created and enjoyed?

it is morning and we all come together for debriefing, for discussion and learning. there is connection here, there is love, there is passion. we are finding each other and seeing the beauty and love we each have. there is merging, coming together, synergy. love unites us all.

knit and purl

learning to knit is an adventure.

it took a bit to get the hang of the first stitch. it was slow going the first two rows. then all of a sudden it made sense and i was rapidly stitching along... until introduced to purl. once we threw purling in there i got everything mixed up. i started doing things backwards and upside down - confusing which way to wrap the yarn for both the regular knit and the purl. i was making up my own style of knitting and purling, and it wasn't pretty.

trying to set me straight, we looked in books and magazines for illustrations. awesome... except that each one illustrated the techniques and yarn wrap differently than the others... making it more confusing. it even confused my instructor!

clearly i have some practicing to do before i'll be knitting $35 pairs of socks. but don't you worry... i'll have it all figured out by christmas. ;)