oscar mayer dogs

after a cold yet sunshiny late morning of wandering boston iso a good dresser, i came home to a clean, uncluttered room of pink bliss and relaxed by reading the holistic magazines i picked up.

i took a lovely nap and was woken by a sweet call from db, just saying hi and thank you for being wonderful :)

i went to LE's for karaoke revolution, in which she royally kicked my ass before we watched the 77th annual academy awards with... chloe, clyde, MM, SW, and KL.

as usual, KL was lovely and SW supported my hidden desire to oust the evil twins chloe and clyde from our gathering.

alas, clyde somehow managed to headbut his way back into the living room and designate me his newest girlfriend. all this after a heavy makeout session with chloe not 15 minutes beforehand.

as the awards progressed, the snoring and farting clyde climbed closer and closer... a paw reaching over to touch my leg... a snort here and there... and next thing i know there is a paw on my breast.

its not that i dont like dogs so much as i just prefer they dont touch me with their wet noses and stinky fur. clyde wasnt taking "no" for an answer and nuzzled his way up my lap and between my ribs and the couch.

clyde and i are now going steady, and as jealous as chloe is, i think she'll get over it shortly. i have a feeling she and emma might have something going.

a blazing inferno that i like to call pink

so...

i chose a color.

heather pink.

i bought the paint and painted like a madwoman.

it looks like a dark pink flamingo exploded in my room.

and when i turn the light on, im pretty damn sure that ive been transported to mexico.

the room looks like its on fire, and i want to toss a glass of water on the walls.

and all the other frogs went floaty-oaty-oaty-oh...

the L Words

last night was the season premier of the L Word. if you watched, you already know how crappy it was. if not... well, it was crappy.

basically, the new opening credits are hideous (even more so than the old), and the show was incredibly disjointed as it tried to give new viewers some background and continue with last seasons story lines. the drama in our real lives is much more interesting ;)

JN and MM had a great turnout - there was probably 20 ladies gathered in their living room for the premier.

LOM was there... its the second gathering in a row i havent gotten a "hello". i think i may be invisible. there is no eye contact or verbal acknowledgement of my existence. okay, she did say "your mail is in that bag in the hall," and she nearly looked at my face when i was returning her Sex and the City DVDs. but it was the bare minimum, and i couldnt catch her eyes when i arrived and said hello. conveniently her eyes are always averted. why cant she look me in the eye? what is being avoided?

we seem to be able to talk on AIM just fine. but phone calls and in-person exchanges are awkward, at best. is it that we have nothing in common any more? is it that im actually in a relationship? is it that the relationship is with a guy? is it her or my unresolved feelings of anger, sadness, guilt?

regardless, when i asked LOM what was up at SWs party she insisted it was 100% me. other times ive asked whats going on she has said nothing and that it must be in my head. so there is no sense approaching her about our awkwardness last night. but the silence just makes it more awkward... esp. since we do run into each other frequently, having the same group of friends.

obviously i have no idea what she is thinking, but it feels like she is avoiding something. i have no clue and i dont want to pretend i know.

in any case, i grow more and more uncomfortable around her, which causes me to hold back and make less and less of an effort to talk to her.

so, the distance grows, feelings are unresolved, and i write about it all in a place she can read it and know that its on my mind.

beach boys

db took me to a college beach party last night. it was... um... beachy?

folks dressed in their most beachy of garb... for the boys this mostly meant shorts and hawaiian shirts. for the girls this mostly meant bathing suit tops and mini-skirts.

there is nothing more horrendous to a 28 year old bisexual woman than being the only sweatered sober person in a room full of rich, half-naked, drunken catholic kids. can i just say that im pretty sure most of the boys there were gay?!?!?! yet id be willing to bet that only half of the gay boys have any idea about themselves.

and i dont mean to be critical here... im just being honest. esp b/c im pretty sure someone's 14 year old little brother had the hots for me - considering his inability to stop staring at me. this, my friends, is gross.

i was a little... um... baffled when the theme song to captain planet came on, and a little... um... freaked out when every single person at the party started screaming along.

and i felt a little... um... dated when come sail away came on and i was the only one who knew it was a song by the band styx. although, the biggest gay boy there thought he knew who performed the song but just couldnt remember at the moment.

i must admit that im impressed with bc's party "policy". its quite progressive and seems to promote more responsible and healthy partying. let me explain...

apparently, if you live on campus, you can register a party with the school. this includes having a registered guest list of up to 100 people, having it known that there will be alcohol served!

the limitations placed are: only a certain amount of alcohol is allowed; only people over 21 should be present (although no one cares if underage folks are there); no alcohol can be taken outside of the suite; the RA's come around to check on the party.

this is much better than my college's take on parties... which was a simple and completely ineffective "NO PARTIES!"

anyhow, it seems that college is still college... and im still not cool.

dinonaut dance party in fairyland

im in my room, in the lower part of the house and sfposa comes in. he just stands there menacingly. i cant recall the conversation but i have a feeling i was being provoked, criticized, and possibly kicked out. outside of my room, my mom was bombarded with my complaints and explanations. she's always so passive in my dreams. class lets out and there are dozens of people in the halls. i see a few i know and say hi. im taken up by the current of walking people and grab onto a friend. turns out the place is gonna blow, so we start helping the astronauts pack the trucks up. as the trucks start driving up the iced hill toward the tunnel exit and the beach, they start to flip over. thank god im not inside one, im still at the bottom of the incline. everyone in the trucks dies. im with a few remaining survivors. we climb the ladder back upstairs and my mom wants me to help her out with some mad-scientist-type thing. my job is to put the slide under the microscope, she makes it all line up, some kind of fusion happens, and then i put the slide away and insert a new one. i dont know what we're doing but it requires incredible precision otherwise the whole thing is ruined. i do exactly what she's instructed me to do, but somehow we discover that its been done all backwards. i open the icebox and grab a soda. the evil scientist returns but my mom and i say nothing about what has happened. he leaves and i walk across the planks and through this log hallway to the tree house. the man and woman are married. its a great tree house they have, although there are quite a few places lacking planks which could result in deathly falls. im not a fan of falling down these holes. im interviewing the couple. i drop down from a branch and swim away. outside the sun washes out the rich colors so that everything is incredibly bright. its like a grassy park - clearly man-made. i see people and we may be the last people on the planet. there are dinosaurs, so we must be careful. we travel across the plain and find a gigantic tent. inside are people who challenge us to a game using our dinosaurs. its like a combo of tennis, vollyball, and dodgeball. i dont like it. they serve and i miss the dinoball. its shaped like a tennisball and really hard, although it bounces like crazy. its my turn and i try to serve. i cant hit the dinoball with my stick and im so frustrated. my arm just doesnt move fast enough. the bell rings and i follow the crowd to the auditorium. eminem is performing. actually, he's not performing, he's here to cast for his next video. they are looking for his biggest fan. i think omg, thats me! im his biggest fan. my friends encourage me to raise my hand when he says he's looking for his biggest fan. i do. im the first one. he notices me. he NOTICES me! he calls me up to the stage and wants to know if i can dance. in my head im thinking omg, im screwed. im so rusty b/c i havent been doing yoga. but i swirl my hips, show my belly button and he's impressed enough that he selects me. now my concern is getting into shape before the real deal. im back down with the audience, yet im wearing a bear suit and calling attention to myself. i think he might be amused or charmed by this. back stage im whisked away, and end up in the parking lot with people. we're walking with the traffic. there are some pretty cool cars - cars of the stars. im talking to the stars in the cars. i finally get home and mr and mrs darling are going out for the night, so the nanny is in charge. they dont realize how evil she is, but thats how it goes in cartoons. ive climbed on top of the gazebo and am visiting a fairy. one of my best friends is trying to call me through the mantle piece above my room but im not there. it seems rather urgent and im hoping the nanny doesn't find out ive left my room.

the best valentines day ever

bliss is not even an adequate word to describe how perfect valentines day was for me. in fact, its entirely possible that there is no word in any language ever to describe how great my life is.

gift exchange:
b/c im the kind of girl who overdoes it... i gave db 5 pair of boxers, two pair of red chopsticks, one box of chocolate covered fortune cookies, one bear cookie cutter, and one bear finger puppet.
b/c db is the kind of guy who pays attention to detail... he gave lots of fruit from the best fruit store ever (located in brighton center), dinner at hong kong cafe, and a hardcover journal for us to write in about us.

sweet? he might just be made from sugar cane. and not just any sugar cane... organic, never genetically engineered, special sugar cane.

um, what the hell am i talking about? this makes no sense and is getting too mushy. lets move on.

what made valentines day so incredible this year is that there were no expectations. just giving from the heart, pure appreciation, and love.

multi-dimensional coffee

math is great. i love math.

db and i are at ERC studying for his abstract algebra exam.

im quizing him with the flash cards he made yesterday while we were at Peet's.

homomorphism

let G, G' be two groups: then the mapping psi:G->G' is a homomorphism if psi(ab) = psi(a) psi(b) for all a,b contained in G.

monomorphism

the homomorphism psi:G->G' is called a monomorphism if psi is 1-1.

isomorphism

a monomorphism that is onto is called an isomorphism.

automorphism

an isomorphism from G-G is called an automorphism.

epimorphism

if a homomorphism is onto then it is an epimorphism.

i have no f*cking idea what im talking about.

i like it when we are studying for his class on the geometry of the universe. then we get to cut out hexagons and number the sides and touch the sides together to make spheres and toruses (aka "tori"). thats fun stuff.

plus we get to talk about fourth and fifth dimensions. i like multiple dimensions.

db says i should read flatland because its a love story about people living in a 2 dimensional universe. it sounds cute.

i wonder if people in the fourth dimension tell love stories about people living in 3 dimensional universes.

friday is brilliant day

today is all about working.

it is a work day, for friday is the day i work.

dont be fooled though.

i work on work stuff every day.

i place ads, work on my newsletter, review important concepts and processes, run errands, organize my files, deposit checks, pay bills. its all part of my new career.

some days it can feel like i dont accomplish a damn thing. but that, my friends, is hogwash.

resting is part of my self-care. yoga is part of my self-care. eating is part of my self-care. relieving stress via online games is part of my self-care.

and self-care is a vital part of my new career.

when i am functioning at my optimum, my clients benefit.

i am more present, more aware, more intune with their emotions, and even more brilliant.

yes, more brilliant, indeed.

apple cider battle

my scalp is dry. its true. it itches like yo mamma.

its rather upsetting. not because i dont like how it feels to scratch an itch, but because it itches constantly and this causes me to constantly have my hands on my head, scratching. and i look like a freak.

furthermore, i cant stop.

i have anxiety and lots of it. too much, in fact.

i have enough anxiety for all of us, plus a bit extra for kicks. so, when my scalp itches, i scratch it... forever. even when im in bed trying to sleep.

now, if you can, try to imagine what would happen if you were constantly scratching your own scalp.

eventually you'd find yourself bleeding.

i know, its gross.

thats why ive never told you before. i dont want you running around thinking about my bloody, itchy, dry scalp. but im being honest here. i scratch, i bleed, i scab, i itch, i scratch and i pick the scab. its true and its gross. and im sorry you have to know this about me, but its part of who i am and who i am working on leaving behind.

honestly, this really has only been going on for about a year now. it probably started shortly before or after i began taking buspirone, an anti-anxiety medication.

for a while i just figured id eventually stop.

apparently i was wrong. i havent stopped at all. in fact, the scratching is worse.

this summer i figured maybe i had dandruf or some other scalp ailment, and began researching and all it did was freak me out.

since then ive determined i merely have a bad case of anxiety and an ever worsening case of dry scalp.

in a desperate effort to avoid an expensive trip to a scalp specialist, i googled "dry scalp remedy" and came up with a bunch of sites telling me that the problem is likely oily scalp and i should give apple cider vinegar a try.

im all for home remedies. so last night i applied some apple cider vinegar to my scalp, clipped a shower cap to my head, and went to sleep. then this morning i washed my hair with diluted apple cider vinegar, and then with my regular shampoo.

my head doesn't itch right now and when i move my head i catch a faint whiff of apple cider vinegar. but i still have anxiety.

no, the home remedy never promised to reduce my anxiety, but wouldn't that be a pleasant side effect?

now you know about my dry, itchy scalp and my anxiety, and knowing is half the battle.

observations and explanations

db and i successfully spent 4 entire days and nights together without even a hint of irritation. not that this is new. we get along incredibly well and tend to inspire far more bliss than irritation. but im always grateful when long periods of time can be spent together without the world collapsing.

id call it perfect planning on our part - the vermont trip was during my moon, which makes a grand difference in my disposition. the week prior to my moon feels a bit like living hell to me... as if the whole planet is actually TRYING to piss me off. although db insists that im not nearly as monsterly as i imagine myself to be. thats a relief.

visiting with other people's friends and family can be quite trying for me. there is all of the catching up between the members with "how is so-and-so?" and "have you seen whats-her/his-name?" and "did you hear about this-and-that?"

then there is all the getting to know the new visitor with "so, what do you do?" and "what do your parents do?" and "how does your family celebrate xyz?" fortunately, this visit did not coincide with any major holiday or celebration, so we downright skipped all related q&a. oddly, it just occurred to me that we didn't talk about me at all. except that i like to make things.

it can also be a serious challenge to navigate the often disfunctional dynamics of a whole new family. however, i was rather surprised to find that this family, which must be disfunctional in some way, was rather relaxed, thoughtful, kind, pleasant, easy going, and interesting. who knew?

1. there wasnt that tedious bickering that usually happens between the parental units, and often between parent and child. this dynamic leaves me irritated and exhausted.


2. everyone said interesting and thought provoking things. which meant i wasn't bored out of my mind


3. and was actually able to follow most conversations between db and his mom

there are at least 4 good reasons for B and C.

1. db actually talks about his life, his experiences, and his *gasp* feelings.


2. db is still friends with most of his high school friends, so ive actually heard about many and met several of them. i like that they are still active parts of each others lives.


3. i am quite captivated by db and the things he talks about b/c he's so incredibly brilliant and amazing (as i see him).


4. db's mom is thoughtful, intelligent and not overly superficial... i dont think we discussed clothing, sales, or money the whole time.

all 4 of these things combined make for interesting conversations, even if im merely listening.

marriage, communication, friends

my pal chelsea got married last week! YAY!

congrats to her.

i bought her a nice set of plates she registered for at crateandbarrel.com. they are black and square. feel free to buy me a set if you happen to be shopping about for gifts ;)

its funny b/c i still have a drawing she made me for my 17th birthday when she was 12. and here she is, married. :)

this, and seeing how close db is with his childhood friends kind of makes me wish i hadnt done so much moving around as a kid. and it makes me remember that its rather important to keep in touch with friends that also work to keep in touch with me. believe it or not, there are a couple. believe it or not, ive been shitty about keeping in touch over the last year.

usually, im the asshole who keeps writing and calling and emailing friends from my youth, and never ever hear back from them. but a few years ago i got tired of doing all the work. the paths of communication work both ways, and i just dont have the energy to hold it all together if its not important to the other people. so... i stopped. actually, i altered my focus. instead of writing individual emails and letters, i started a yearly newsletter to send family and friends, letting them know the "news". then i was expending less energy and time communicating, although this also meant it wasnt personalized. i miss the personalization. but i think its been for the best.

its in my eye!

id just like to say that there are some things that will put an eye out. things one would never imagine having in their eye. things one would never imagine attempting to kill their eye.

thats all.

love one

To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person.
- Erich Fromm The Art of Loving, p 118.

vermont weekend, in a nutshell

taking the stairs. "hi, im gf and i will be your tour guide... does anyone know which way to go?" highway driving. stopping for photos in concord, nh with the mad laugher. knowing how to survive in a sushi emergency. the Kimball-Jenkins School of Art. meeting andrew m.k. warren (photographs by). avoiding abduction in the notch. reminiscing about france and spain and saint jay - the patron saint of hell (so im told). conversations like: [ "you're in vermont now, how does it feel?" "uh, just like it felt 5 minutes ago when i wasn't in vermont." "hmmm... give it a couple hours." ] slow and steady wins the race. "that pump doesn't work... sorry, that one doesn't work either." meeting mum. the exchange. clean bathrooms. balmy weather. walking about the town. poser punk kids. french toast for the girls, omletts for the boys. maple syrup. kisses in the car wash. saturday drives over the hills and through the woods. iced and muddy backroads. narrowly escaping death. bridge is out. trust. cream soda and decaf mocha with soy. lots of hugs. meeting wb who is not exactly the same as db, despite db's insistance. dinner with the family. "that man should be executed!" "omg, we're all gonna be disappeared." movie: primer. "wtf was that about?" ice cream. desperate housewives: kids sleeping w/ mothers, mothers sabotaging nannies, cat fights, prostitution, heart attacks, murder. "that woman is a terrible mother!" the iron chef. making out. sunday grape nuts with Silk. balmy weather. false starts. barely making the bus. spiderman 2, "that was a horrible movie." D line delays. making out. domino's pizza 555. red dwarf. good night.

tribal negotiations in vermont

tomorrow i make my way to vermont.

its my first time out yonder and im anticipating great adventures.

i'll be meeting db's family. technically ive already met his father. but it was pretty brief and informal.

this meeting feels formal somehow. like two tribes have agreed to come together to negotiate trade or peace or intermarriage for the creation of an alliance or the return of a hostage (perhaps db?).

and im not the only one experiencing anxiety over it. apparently db and db's mother are nervous too.

we're all nervous. very very nervous.

wait, i bet db's brother isn't nervous. in fact, its entirely possible he has no idea he might meet me. so, at least one of us is sleeping well tonight.

and db's father doesn't count since we already met when he originally came to take the hostage home for a visit in December. but i wanted to mention him once more, for the sake of being inclusive.

i have no clue what we'll be doing in vermont. it seems that we will do some wandering about. walking here, walking there. perhaps go to burlington, perhaps not.

db's mother has made certain to buy ample fruit and chocolate silk for us during our visit. and i think ive found a nice and small handmade gift to bring her from my collection of stuff-ive-made.

if this treaty-making goes well, all of boston may profit.

apparently the sleeping arrangements have also been adequately mapped out by the parentals. i shall sleep in db's room. db shall sleep in his brother's room. unless his brother comes home for the weekend, in which case, db will sleep on the couch. i have no idea where the parents will sleep. likely in their respective homes and beds.

its my first time going on a trade/peace/intermarriage/hostage negotiation with someone and not sleeping in the same room/bed with them. even in high school ASL and i slept in the same room. often the same bed. but i suppose not the first time i stayed there - although i was all of 16.

the idea of sleeping in a separate room makes me feel oddly childish... i remember my grandmother making sure i understood "girls sleep with girls and boys sleep with boys." i sure did take that wisdom to heart.

anyway, from what i hear, vermont is cold and cuddles are a necessity. what shall i do with out db to keep me warm?

will i survive the hostile environment and learn quickly enough the customs of this strange and curious tribe? or will i be found frozen one morning, never to report back my findings of this uncharted territory?

you'll just have to tune in to find out.