drunk on grapenuts and silk

I had so many thoughts on the way home. Is that possible?

Five favorite snack foods:

1. Oreo’s w/ milk.
2. Almonds.
3. Tropical medley trail mix.
4. Chocolate… Rolo’s Reese’s PBCups, Kit Kat, Twix.
5. Fruit

Mmmm, I just realized how funny it is that im writing about food.

thank you SNL for having me over for dinner and intoxification and a movie. ;) i still owe you (SW) your hannuka and graduation gift. um... i'll try to find them.

I’m gonna have such a hangover tomorrow. I just thought how nice it would be if me and DB had a journal together. We could write and say nice things to each other. Which I suppose we do already. But we could surprise each other. Nevermind, it sounds dumb now. A minute ago it seemed brilliant. Now, not so much.

I feel that feeling again. The one where it feels like my arms /hands are switching places. Its so odd feeling. Its like parts are detatched. The cool thing tonight, is when I have my eyes closed to feel the switching, it all gets colored or sketched in white and blue chalk… like in storybooks, or where there is a real photo and adobe photoshop used “chalk” method on it or something.

I wish I could talk to you on AIM it would be so fun right now. I did text you, so I hope you happen to have your phone.

If we were talking, I might say how beautiful and sweet and gorgeous, and amazing, and brilliant, and magnificent, special, sexy, hot, playful, fun, entertaining, intelligent, delightful, [the paragraph seems to end here... but i think we revisit this topic later.]

Tonight I came to understand how it was when my mom came home drunk, that it would take her half an hour to make it through the door, get her shoes off, and stumble into the house. Surprisingly I did a good job getting the key into the lock and unlocking the door. Plus I got my key out, got into the house, and locked the door before the slowness began.

Once in the door, I slipped one shoe off and bent over to try to find my sandals. This is where the time warp slowed things for me. I had to really concentrate in this task. Next im trying to figure out how to take the other shoe off. So im thinking of how to remove it… with my hands, with my other foot, untie it? In the end I have no clue how it came off, but It did.

Im so stuffed but I want another bowl of grapenuts in silk. Mmm.

Im so thrilled with my new place. The old place is history and the new place is beautiful and inviting and spacious, and cozy. I love feeling at home. I love feeling like I don’t just rent a room, that I actually LIVE in a home. Its so much better.

Right now CM is painting her room. When I say “right now” I mean “12 hours ago."

DB is so incredible. Im so surprised to feel this way. I feel so much love toward him. When I say love I mean “caring kindness and extreme appreciation for someone with no need for reciprocation or validation, with every fiber of my being."

He induces such brilliant smiles and laughter from me. He’s sweet, sensitive, kind, thoughtful, strong, firm, gentle, sexy, shy yet confident, open, honest, loveable, huggable, kissable, . [ended just like this again... i must have gotten distracted.]

Everything is a gift.

boxes for moving

um, its moving day and im not ready.

i ran out of boxes last night, so i have all this unboxed stuff sitting here wanting to be boxed.

when i struck out after seeking free boxes at all my local stores i even went so far as to purchase additional boxes yesterday. alas, i need more.

this is america, land of waste... and i can find no boxes.

so, i shall shower (*eyes closed, shaking my head, remembering yesterday's idiocy*), and head to the hardware, drug, grocery and liquer stores in search of free boxes.

benny shall be here at 2pm, and damn it if im not all packed and ready to be transported to my new pad.

hot water update

hi, im amy and im an idiot.

audience soberly says: "hi amy"

im here today to talk to you about the consequences of being a complete moron.

in particular, id like to focus on one of the many consequences... embarassment.

now, im sure everyone here today is somewhat familiar with embarassment. very few humans can say they've never experienced an embarassing moment.

perhaps that moment was when you were 8 years old and peed the bed when sleeping over at a friend's.

perhaps it was when you confidently raised your hand in class and smirked to yourself as you unknowingly gave the absolute wrongest answer ever to the easiest question ever... surely a mistake you never made again.

perhaps, my friends, it was the day you continually tested the shower, hoping in vain for something more than ice water to flow, and finally around 5pm, hoping to avoid calling maintanance, you went for a final try and somehow realized you'd been turning the temperature nob in the wrong direction for at least 6 hours and this is why you are not zest fully clean before dinner.

in any case, you certainly have experienced embarassment of some kind. im sure of it. and like me, you probably have wondered aloud... "what the hell is wrong with me?"

friends, i am here to tell you that you, yes you, are not alone. you are amongst a great family of idiots in this country. look around the room and see all the other idiots and morons in your presence. these people are kin...

um, wait... i am alone...

oh hot water, where art thou?

there is no hot water.

wait, that's somewhat of a lie.

there is hot water...
in the kitchen sink and the bathroom sink...
however, no hot water in the shower.

how is that possible?

i thought all the hot water came from the same water heater?

at least... thats how it worked back home.

i could really use a shower today. of all days to lack hot water for a shower, today is one of the worst.

not only have i been trapsing around in the slushy blizzard aftermath, but ive been boxing up my belongings in a frenzy that can only be described as "sweat producing". ive also been carrying said boxes of stuff around the apartment, trying to get things in order for when the movers show up tomorrow.

oh, and we simply can't forget the all night makeout sessions which definitely put me over the edge of "just needing a quick rinse."

um, thats kind of gross... but you should have read what it said before i kindly edited it so as to not to cause all of us excrutiating discomfort.

tasting bliss... on credit

have you tasted bliss?

if not, i highly recommend it.

Uno's Deep Dish Sundae is a freshly baked cookie, in a pizza pan, with at least one scoop of ice cream and some whipped cream.

it's $4.99 plus tax. (a total of $5.24 here in MA)

if the cook is feeling extra nice, you'll get an extra scoop of ice cream when you share with a friend.

if you choose to pay with credit, i suggest ordering something in addition to your Deep Dish Sundae bliss... if only to avoid the slight embarassment that comes from having a server actually laugh in your face.

benny's moving company

movers have been hired. benny's is my prefered moving company. has been for 3 years. they're inexpensive, hard working, and nice guys. i trust benny's moving company and highly recommend them.

:end commercial:

uh, now im all about packing. damn. this sucks, royally. what id really rather be doing... besides having sex, because wouldn't we all just rather be having sex?... is sitting at ERC reading a nice book and sipping my medium decaf mocha with soy. instead ive got to go box hunting and get all my packing done by 2pm thursday.

i must say im hella excited about the new place, and the new roommie. we're gonna paint the place, and im gonna see if i can be in charge of decorating the bathroom. for some reason im obsessed with creating an amazing and beautiful bathroom. maybe because my current bathroom is nasty? idk.

what else...

hey. maybe if i work real hard today at packing i can take a break and go to ERC and read and drink yummy beverages!?!?! wow, what a great idea.

SW: im thinking of you.
LE: sorry i havent called you back.
KK: miss you
DB: *insert amy smiley*

snow gimps

tired...so very tired.

blizzard.

so much snow.

temperatures in the negatives due to wind chill.

cold, so very cold.

my snow angels look more like snow gimps.

bought thermals.

eating grapenuts with chocolate soy milk. mmmm.

can't keep eyes open any longer, must sleep.

"to be" and "to do" lists

to be

* calm
* peace
* centered
* love
* trust
* compassion
* spirit
* fully present
* aligned with my values
* aligned with my life purpose
* positive
* supportive
* nurturing
* beautiful sound
* goddess
* faerie
* light
* joy

to do

* sing
* crochet
* ceramics
* paint
* decoupodge
* get rid of junk
* organize junk im keeping

hate update

its been a couple weeks but i finally dreampt of stupid-fucking-piece-of-shit-asshole (sfposa) the other day. im amazed that giving myself permission to hate him actually quelled the nightmares.

the two dreams i had about him weren't nightmares at all. they werent exactly pictures of happiness, but they definitely weren't my typical dreams about him.

the most memorable was...

BEGIN DREAM

im in boston, go figure, and a few folks from my family are visiting me - including mom and sfposa.

we decide to stop in and get some grub at a cool pizza joint on the corner (sadly it doesnt exist in real life). the place is jam packed but since there are two sides, we decide to split up and see if one side will get us seated faster than the other.

mom and another person go in one entrance to see if they can get seating. for some insanely irrational idea me and sfposa go in the other side together. TOGETHER.

i leave him standing there and exit back to the side where my mom waits. we all decide its too crowded and we should try another place. (duh).

we exit and are outside.

i think about sfposa alone inside someplace waiting for all of us.

i notice an uncomfortable guilt... the kind you feel when you are ditching someone who no one likes just b/c they are a "nerd" or something and know you shouldnt.

i tell my mom and others to wait there and go back in to find him, bringing him out to reconviene with the rest of us.

i feel better. i feel kind. i feel a sense of forgiveness toward myself.

END DREAM

the other dream was similar in that sfposa was there but was not holding the usual role he holds in my dreams. he was not obstructing my ability to reach, contact, save, or be with my mom.

he was simply there.

simply being non-obstructive, non-destructive, non-threatening, non-asshole-like, and non-creepy.

simply part of the every day goings on, but in no way making my dream into a nightmare.

i believe that granting myself permission to hate him has started me on that long journey of forgiveness.

thanks be to me, and also with me.

the shining

midnight movie at fenway amc... so, ive been hearing about the shining and how great and scary it is. i was rather disappointed by the film, if i can be completely honest. in fact, id go so far as to say it really sucked. i mean, i bet it was amazing and terrifying when it came out 20ish years ago. but in 2005... its a huge dud. i was so incredibly bored... repetitive and drawn out scenes looking at the inside of the hotel, a sloooow moving "plot", poor acting and the dialog was forced and unrealistic. plus, im just not into domestic violence and familial terrorization as an interesting or exciting basis for a film. i did like the supernatural aspects, although poorly executed. and the scene with the flood of blood, and the mirrored redrum were definitely worthy of note. all in all, it was a good first try. but id have to say it really could use some editing... better yet, a 2005 remake might be nice.

sing a song of six pence, a pocket full of rye

borrowed the magic mic from LOM and had a night of karaoke madness with DB.

he was super embarassed about singing, but just like me, when singing a song you know well that is in a range your voice likes... he was awesome!

also, i was highly amused and somewhat baffled by how much music he has missed out on being born in the 80s instead of the 70s.

me? i kicked ass... mostly. and i even took the liberty of doing SWs signature song "Big Poppa". SW is clearly the master, but if i keep practicing, she may have some serious competition!

DB gave me lots of complements, which was wonderful and reassuring. especially if im to be the frontwoman in the band.

the challenge for our band, having me as frontwoman, will be creating songs in my range. it feels like a rather limited range if we want something more than a pitiful whisper. there's a spot right before the high notes where my voice just says "not gonna do it".

hmmm... practice makes perfect!

for db

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
~Marcel Proust

where do i start?

hmmm... i dont get this whole song writing thing.

i tried to look up some "do-it-yourself" tips on how to write a song, but all i got was a bunch of "buy our program and you'll write songs that madonna or aerosmith will buy and you'll be rich and famous."

i dont want to write songs for madonna or aerosmith. in fact, i dont want to write songs for anyone but my own damned self.

but first, i need to know where to start.

do you start w/ words?
do you start w/ a bass line?
do you start w/ a glass of wine?

where the hell do you start???

burried in the stacks

idk why but im awake... with a headache no less.

since when do i wake up at 5:30am with a headache? (btw it was 5:30 am when i actually woke up... ive been playing around with image files for the last hour).

i didnt even get my minimum 5 hours of sleep.

see, usually i sleep at least 5 hours before waking up ridiculously early.

perhaps its stress.

stress is a probable cause. isnt that illegal?

and is it more interesting if someone babbles all together in a single paragraph or when its split into dozens of paragraphs like this entry? email, IM or Note me with your opinion.

omg, i could go for some trader joe's chocolate covered raisins right now.

oh, so the stress?

well, im moving to JP. thats good stress.
but i have to rent out my room in the city. thats bad stress.

its not so much that im worried about renting the room. i cant imagine it wont be snatched up in a hurry. its a beautiful room and an amazing price.

the problem is... its a mess. my room. my room is a mess. and i feel a massive pressure to clean it before half a dozen people show up this afternoon and evening.

im trying to tell myself that someone should be impressed with the amount of stuff that can be fit in this space... and that alone should convince them that this is a great deal. but im compelled to make it clean and pretty instead.

the problem? there is simply too much stuff to create any remote picture of "clean".

i would have to toss everything out in order to have a clean room. and im trying! believe me... im trying.

this weekend i went through my trunk of paper... yes, i have a big trunk that is full of various kinds of new and used wrapping paper, colorful pages from magazines, old holiday cards waiting to become new holiday cards, and of course ribbon of all sorts.

oh, so i went through my trunk of paper and threw out some crushed bows and tangled ribbon. it didnt make a dent in the trunk, BUT i assure you it was a very challenging task to actually let go of something that might one day be useful, even if crushed or tangled.

the stuff i save for art is somewhat justifiable. but then ive got soooo many damn books. i used to want to have a big house with built in book cases for a library of my own. now i just want to be able to walk from one end of my room to another without the possibility of a book avalanche.

so, i have two tallish piles of books that i want to get rid of... but i havent read them and feel the need to read them if im to let them go. otherwise, i spent incredible amounts of money without even having the pleasure of using the items i bought... buying books, never reading them, and then just letting them go.

i want to read them... i do. but i have less than a month before i move. and id like to sell them, not just take them to book heaven.

omg, im overwhelmed. that does not help the headache.

actually, i wonder if the headache is at all from how polluted ive decided the air is in my neighborhood.

its amazing how staying a couple nights in a less air-polluted neighborhood really kicks your ass once you get back to your own more air-polluted neighborhood. the air actually smelled dirty tonight.

im going to have to take ib profin. which means i should also eat something and drink something. which means i have to brush my teeth.

maybe i could use this time to list my books for sale on amazon.com or something. it doesnt get them out of the way, but it does open the possibility of shortening the stacks.

clutter kills

the funny thing about me needing to recover from new years, is that its totally unrelated to drinking and partying.

in fact, i had two, maybe three glasses of wine on new years over a period of 4 hours. not even a buzz. although it was likely the nicest wine ever.

and last night at LOMs rose bowl party, i had several glasses of water and a glass of champagne.

thus, all my recovery is about being alone and quiet. yep, there was just too much fanfare for little miss empath.

it doesnt help that i ran out of allergy medicine a few days ago and am puffy, stuffy and huffy (well, maybe not huffy but it rhymed better than "irritable").

what would really fix me up is a good day of cleaning and organizing. however, i cant bring myself to do any organizing when i know im moving in a couple weeks.

what i think i shall do, to recover, is head to ERC for some tea or coffee and immerse myself in a book. perhaps i'll even start planning my weekly schedule or day dream about the twin bed ive decided to buy for my new room.

one thing is for sure. ive got to have a moving sale to get rid of some of my junk before i move. books and nicnacs have got to go.

happy freakin' new year

new years is not one of my favorite holidays.

in fact, any holiday that involves thousands of drunken people gathering together with various noise makers for the sheer purpose of merriment just pisses me off.

i should probably point out that im an "empath". someone that is extremely sensitive to other people and their emotions and energy. thus, being in groups or crowds impacts me slightly differently than it might your standard "non-empath." in fact, in such situations i experience massive overstimulation, a rapid draining of my own energy, and can become highly irritable and begin seeking a route of escape.

my point, is that a crowd is bad enough. but a crowd of drunkards with noise makers is enough to send me over the edge.