i am safe

sometimes its just nice to have good people around who get you thinking.

i was chatting online tonight with a friend who was having trouble sleeping. i mentioned that i had trouble sleeping last night but not while i was in seattle visiting my mom. in fact, while at my moms i slept rather soundly and for 10 hours a few times.

if you know me or anything about me then you know that i am not one who sleeps 10 hours in a single sweep of sleep. im a 5 to 7 hour girl. and thats on a good night.

so, my friend asks me why i could sleep so well at my moms.

so i say "friend, i guess i really felt safe there." and you're thinking 'of course you feel safe sleeping at your moms.'

but the funny thing is that as a kid and teen i had serious insomnia when i was staying with my mom (and her emotionally and mentally abusive boyfriend). the only places i was really able to get a good restful solid sleep was at my aunt's or my best friend Ds house. and why? because those were the only two places i felt completely at ease and safe.

well, i think i might send my mom a card to let her know how comfortable and safe i felt staying at her place during my 2 week visit.

but before i start on that adventure in correspondence, i need a nap.

POP QUIZ

What is more excrutiating?

1. Cutting off your own limb while pinned to the ground by a bear trap in the antarctic, and being just out of reach of your chapstick which giggling penguins are using for a hockey puck as a walrus chooses you as its next mate


2. Spending a week locked up in an 90 degree trailer with a swarm of mosquitos, thus having to sleep fully clothed in socks, jeans and long sleeve sweatshirt and with a blanket, "just in case"

or

3. Attending a family gathering where you are forced to spend several hours with an ignorant, creepy, lying, loser, sexist pig who:
   
   • as your biological father, abandoned you a dozen or more times over the first 21 years of your life because of various versions of the statement "i dont want to pay child support"
   
   
   • after suggesting you drop out of college because he had another kid on the way and needed the money, stopped talking to you because you decided to finish college and be the first in your family to get a 4 year degree
   
   
   • never once apologized for abandoning you but just popped in and out of your life whenever he felt like playing "dad"
   
   
   • you finally told "no more... this is the last time you are choosing not to be part of my life. now we play by my rules and you dont get to come back and play "dad" when you feel like it. we're done." and havent spoken with in 8 years
   
   
   • caused you all kinds of other emotional/mental trauma and humiliation during your most impressionable and formative years
   
   and at this family gathering
   
   • repeatedly tells his latest kid to hug and kiss you even though you dont know each other and it clearly makes her and you uncomfortable
   
   
   • while posing for family pictures, insists on shouting "money" instead of "cheese", when money is the whole reason he repeatedly abandoned you and gave up parental rights to one of his other kids
   
   
   • sneaks in behind you and places his kid's hand on your shoulder to make it appear that you have some sort of relationship
   
   
   • tells his kid to tell you that if you wanted to take his new car for a drive he'd let you, if you would ask him
   
   
   • apparently tells his 6 year old daughter enough blonde jokes that she actually asks her grandparents "does that mean that im not smart?" when they discuss how blonde her hair is

star gazing

on my way to bed last night i remembered mom saying there was a meteor shower to be seen.

i grabbed mom after she came out of the shower and we went outside to see what we could see.

right away we saw a brilliant streak of light cross the sky. it was brighter than even the brightest star!

we stood around in the front yard with our heads back, waiting to see another streak, and joking about what the neighbors would think.

i saw a couple that mom missed and she saw one or two that i missed. our necks were getting tired.

my cousin AI parks her car in mom's front yard... so we decided she wouldnt mind if we just propped ourselves against her hood.

there we were, me and mom, leaning back on the hood of a car and watching the stars in our jammies.

we imagined:

my little brother waking and wandering outside to find us there... the indignation in his voice when he asks "what are you guys doing?" and then exclaiming "you are weird!"

the police stopping to see why two grown people were lying across the hood of a car in the middle of the night. my mom would say "officer, could you help us up?"

AI coming out to her car in the morning to find us still there, unable to get up when we finished star gazing. "what the hell are you doing on my car?" again, mom says "honey, could you help us up?"

our hair and clothes picking up the dirt from AIs car... not knowing how long its been since she washed it.

even better... the clean spots on AIs hood from our noggins and shoulders resulting in "the mystery of the crop circle like spots" on AIs car.

we saw a couple more "shooting stars" and decided to call it a night.

let me take you on an escapade

we have the entire floor in the highrise. the walls are new and freshly painted. the halls and offices are bare except for desks.

the execs decide to put the printers, copiers and other noise-making machines in the hallway outside of my office. somehow someone else feels it appropriate to put a stereo out there too, to "mask" the sounds of the machinery. the stereo fails miserably as a mask and instead intensifies the sense of chaos outside my door.

angry, frustrated and inconvenienced i go nextdoor to JMHs office to express my concerns. she continues to work as i talk, seemingly not paying attention.

i return to my office to find it filled with junk. the junk is not mine and im infuriated. i return to JMHs office to vent. again, she's busy and not interested.

i return to my office and am now sharing it with two other employees. the lights are off and they are watching a movie.

ive had it. that was the last straw and now im in a rage. its time to quit. im not staying here another minute.

i storm out of my office and walk through the miles of cooridoor. i come to an elevator and step inside. there are a couple folks from other floors.

the elevator doors close and the floor begins to drop... but not because its lowering to the next floor. the elevator transforms into a flat surface, requiring us to grab the top of the elevator door and hang there. its like we're hanging from the top of a garage door as the door decends from the 34th floor. below we see nothing but elevator shaft. dont let go, its a long drop.

when the elevator finally opens two pharmacists get in and hold the door. i get out wanting to find another way to leave the building.

at some point the scene morphs into this big dancing escapade where all these people are doing all kinds of crazy stuff and running from "the Man". somehow im with them although i keep finding ways out of participating in these bizarre activities. more elevators, lots of rotating glass doorways, diving under glass garage doors as they near the ground, jumping from building to building, a santa parade, pretending to be frozen dead in a church doorway, and secret tunnels.

im exhausted. i need a nap.

whenever i want you all i have to do is dream

i dreampt you lived in a co-op with about 100 million other people. i couldnt sleep in your room with you, i had to sleep on the couch downstairs, which was fine until i realized you lived in a co-op with 100 million other people.

i woke up and there were people walking by on their way to the kitchen, the bathroom, out the door to school, their rooms.

i got up, feeling out of place and little more noticed than i wanted to be. you were still in bed so i wanted to come find you.

i started up the stairs which morphed into a skateboarding ramp. i climbed the slope hoping not to slip. at the top of the stairs were bedroom doors that looked like lockers, only bigger. one was yours, but which one?

i heard a chime and the doors opened at once, people stepped out of some. hmmm... there werent really rooms afterall, they were just giant lockers where people sleep standing up.

there were so many... and there could be more and more in other parts of the house. i dont want to go knocking on wrong doors.

someone: "you cant be up here, its for residents only. you'll get in trouble."

are they watching me on hidden cameras? i better leave. but i wanted to see you.

i decend the stairs that are stairs again and leave out the front door and into the subway entrance. i go to the side of the building to think. where will i go today?

back in style

helping mom clean out her garage and organize for a saturday yard sale.

she wants to keep everything. my job is to say "do you really need that?" and "that thing didnt work 15 years ago and its not going to work any better now. if you really need one i'll buy you a new one for christmas." that seems to work.

we still need to tackle the spare bedroom... there are clothes in there from 10 and 20 years ago. ugh. the crazy thing is that as soon as we toss them, they'll be back in style.

my friend's sister, britney

mom worked today and my bro and sis were at camp. i spent most of the day alone doing whatever.

i worked on my moms pc a little more and removed a bunch of junk and porn links. but there is an annoying "blank" page that keeps resetting itself as the home page on ie5 and it just has a bunch of links to porn. i searched and searched through all kinds of files and cant find the little fckr. its making me crazy. i know its some sort of virus that put it there. the only way to get rid of it is to wipe the hard drive. so, thats a possibility.

i also went over to visit my aunt pam but she was, uh... napping. it was acutally a bit creepy and comical. i walked in the door and sat on the couch. here's the conversation:

Aunty: eyes opening slightly in a roll.

Me: "you napping?"

Aunty: "no," takes a bite of the hamburger on her plate. eyes roll shut. a few minutes later they roll partially open.

Me: "why dont you nap in bed?"

Aunty: "we gotta go."

Me: "we do?"

Aunty: still half asleep, "yeah, ain't we going somewheres?"

Me: "i don't know."

Aunty: "where 're yer kids?"

Me: "well, i don't have any kids, but my sister and brother are at camp?"

Aunty: (refering to her own kids now) "did Ashley take the kids with her?"

Me: "i don't know, i just got here... are you dreaming conversations with me?"

Aunty: eyes roll back into her head and close.

basically, she was dreaming some kind of conversation between us and only some of it was making it out - clearly the part that made no sense.

i decided the likelihood of her waking up was on par with saddam actually having weapons of mass destruction. so, i left.

outside, my uncle and their kids were coming out of their RV. here's the convo btwn me and TI, the seven year old girl.

TI: looks at me, "who are you?"

Me: perplexed since she usually remembers me. "I'm Amy. Remember me?"

TI: "did your mom pick you up?"

Me: is she having the same dream as my aunt? "well, i guess... she picked me up at the bus stop" (where my shuttle came in).

TI: remembering that i used to stay with them when i worked two jobs 60 miles apart and would nap between them, "are you staying the night with us?"

Me: "no, im staying at my mom's."

TI: "dad," she comes over and takes my hand, "can i go with her?"

Me: am i going somewhere? "im not doing anything interesting."

TI: leading me home, "my dad likes me best because i sing real good."

Me: "really? i think he likes both of you."

TI: "but what he likes most about me is i sing. i make up my own songs, too."

Me: "you do?"

TI: "yeah, want to hear me sing?"

Me: eternally perplexed at how I ended up in a trailer with two small children that weren't mine (KI - 5 years old had followed). "sure."

TI: begins improvising a song... something about the 2 million people in the universe, going up to heaven which is beautiful, going up and down, someone is happy because they have 20 friends and some people dont even have one, more up and down, and then ending on a high note about god. when she finishes she looks at me.

Me: wondering what im supposed to say, i come up with "wow, that was really good."

TI: "i made it up just now. i have a good voice."

Me: again, what the hell am i supposed to say? "wow, you do, that was nice."

TI: "britney read a story and then made it into a song. thats how she made hers."

Me: knowing there were only two britneys she could be refering to (a friend i didnt know, or the pop singer) and hoping it was the first, "it is? is britney your friend from school?"

TI: "no, britney spears. she is my friends sister."

Me: scanning my memory for the last place i heard the spears family lived... hmmm... nope, not marysville washington. "she is?"

TI: "yeah, she said christina aguilera is her sister, too."

Me: realizing now what this was and that it was none of my business to interfere, "oh."

TI: "what is britney spears last name?"

Me: "spears."

TI: "it is?" silence. "my friend's last name is spears. wait, she can't be sisters with christina aguilera. she lied."

Me: awareness needs no help. "hmmm."

TI: "do you think britney is really her sister? they have the same last name. if you have the same last name does that mean you are related?"

Me: "lots of people have the same last name and they aren't related. there are a lot of people all over the country whose last name is Smith. not all of them are related."

TI: a lightbulb goes off, "there was a girl in my class whose last name was smith. [xyz] smith. and..." she gives the full names of several different classmates - none of which are smiths.

we transition between a variety of topics. i am a prisoner of TI and her quick moving thoughts. fortunately, i find it rather interesting and im willing to go along. she told me the process of pin/button-making, how she tries to be a role model for her little brother by behaving appropriately, that she will be going to S&D house for the weekend, how my brother is mean, the rules about knocking before coming into my moms house, whether i was here when TIs parents were setting up the pool (do they have a pool?), the special store they go to for toys (aka the Goodwill), where they burried Boz (the dog my aunt had for 15+ years), and her favorite rainforest animal - the sloth (her favorite because it climbs trees as slow as a snail).

just after 4pm my mom arrives and sends the children home. she made it seem so easy. shortly after, my brother and sister arrive from day camp. by brother stays but my sister leaves with her dad, hoping her church still has room for her tomorrow on the camping trip.

we water the garden, munch on the fresh green beans and pea pods that are ready to pick, and then my mom hops in the shower.

i walk out onto the porch and see my uncle meandering over with his kids. he shows me two apples, "i come bearing gifts." he picked them from his fruit trees. he has a seat on the porch and we chat about fruit trees and watch the kids play and argue and ask silly questions. his older son (age 34) rides up on a bicycle, looking like a shabby bike messenger. we exchange greetings and pleasantries. here we all are. sitting on the porch bs-ing. its nice. i miss this.

everyone leaves and my mom emerges. its 7pm and my brother wants to go to the skate park. mom has had a couple drinks, so i drive. we drop him off, go home to eat a little dinner, and talk politics on the porch.

i told my mom everything i knew about the election, 9/11, the war, and michael moore's evidence about GWs financial relationships and motivations for everything. her question was "why didnt the media tell us these things?" exactly. we talked about the media being owned by the same people who profit from GWs decisions, so they wont allow certain information to be aired, and how people dont listen to independent news sources because they are labeled "liberally biased" even though they arent. she was appropriately disgusted. but she had already been disgusted by all of it before i said anything. now, she just knew more about what was going on.

the rest of the night: picked up my brother at the sk8 park, snacked and went to bed.

cant help falling

mommy is at work this morning.

brother and sister are at basketball camp.

its me, a temperamental dial-up connection and my mac.

last nights dream:

every building im in seems to be falling. im standing on a beam and it starts to fall. i have to find something to hold onto so i dont crash to the ground. staircases are falling. im outside and the ground is caving in. incomplete buildings around me start to crumble as i try to avoid being crushed by falling beams, concrete and machinery.

that's the mommy

Flight to Seattle was cancelled yesterday... but they rescheduled me and I got in an hour earlier than the original flight... YAY!

LOM was laid off yesterday too... just when I went away... all those opportunities to sunbathe, wasted!

I'm glad to be home and love how welcome Mom makes me feel. :)

Today was relaxing, hanging out, trying to fix my mom's computer, watching my brother skateboard at the skate park, quick visit with my aunt pam, and check-in with LOM.

I like being here. I think its partially because I like the kind of relationship my mom and I have now that I'm an adult and now that she knows that my whole purpose of visiting is just to hang out with her and do nothing.

I love the mommy.

money changes everything

i must attend meditation tonight. it may be my only salvation from the stress that is causing my body to pull in, shortening the tendons and muscles all over me. arg.

meanwhile, im downloading cds onto my mac in preparation for my trip to seattle. which of course, is the source of my stress. not seattle in and of itself, but the trip.

money is tight at this very moment for 100 reasons - im working at the office less and wont be working the two weeks im in seattle, my subletter pooped out on me and i had to pay august rent at the fratty plus my mortgage, there were lots of birthdays and meals out this month, and i went over my cell minutes for the second month in a row. thats a big bunch of bucks to go out all at once.

of course, a money positive that i dont want to overlook is that im debt free (except my final student loan). LOM is refinancing the condo and im giving her my half in exchange for a small sum of money to pay off my loan for life coach training. i feel bad that i kind of wish for a little more... but thats another entry all together.

the other seattle-related stressor is that i talked to my mom the other day and she was in a bad mood b/c my brother was acting out. she was allowing his behavior to impact her. why does this stress me out? because i love them all. and there is nothing i can do to make life easier for them. and i wish my mom knew how to detach and not let other people impact her so much. but its hard to teach someone to do something they havent asked to learn without sounding preachy.

its funny b/c all of a sudden im feeling like my life in boston is too complicated. i think this is in part due to the money thing. i feel slightly overwhelmed and really need to refocus and recenter. i know that once the magazine with my advertizement hits the stands in september im going to be flooded with clients. its going to be perfect and everything happens for a reason. for example, perhaps having no expendable income during my seattle trip is intended so that i must stay put and relax rather than bustling around to here and there and trying to entertain people. what i really want to do is spend time with my mom.