bisexuality

why am i thinking of men while dating a woman, or vice-versa. is it about being unfulfilled being with one instead of both sexes? what does it mean to me to be fulfilled, sexually speaking? can a biphobic bisexual woman be fulfilled when dating only one person, of only one sex?

sexual fulfillment for me begins with a sense of comfort with my own body and the body i might be interacting with. if im not comfortable with me, im not going to have a good time b/c im going to be thinking about whether they can see my pimple or my fat or whatever. at this juncture, i believe i am quite comfortable with other people's bodies. it feels like once i reached a certain age or maturity i lost all sense of shame. im pretty comfortable with nudity and various body parts. its nearly "matter of fact" like.

next, it seems that the more expectations i have, the greater the potential for dissatisfaction or unfulfillment. thus i make an effort to limit my expectations. this doesnt mean that i have low standards - to the contrary, i have very high standards. having expectations means expecting a certain performance, outcome, feeling, scenario or activity. we all know how dissappointing it is when the real thing is nothing like the detailed fantasy we had mapped out in our mind.

then we get to physical attraction. i am attracted to both sexes. there are things i like about the bodies and minds that are often unique to each sex. i wont get to detailed here but will say, I like the smell and curves of a woman and a man's strong arms wrapped around me. that's as far as i go in this venue ;)

something important i have only recently discovered is meaningful spiritual connection. i think this may be a crucial component for me in a relationship. in this sense it may be the only thing that allows a transcendance of that gender/sex boundary or distinction between fe/male. wow... i feel an epiphany coming on... since we are all spirit in human form, if i can connect with someone spiritually it may transcend those physical boundaries and result in true sexual/relationshipish fulfillment.

exploring biphobia

exploring biphobia
Sunday, May 8, 2005, 12:54 PM - Reflections
5/30/04 12:40pm

im grapling with sterotypes of bisexuals and my own biphobia here...

i identify as Lesbian, but i cant think of a single person who wouldnt label me bisexual if i explained myself to them. fortunately, there is no need to explain myself to anyone... but for the sake of good old fashioned self-discovery i feel the need to explore this.

why am i biphobic?

* is it the stereotypes of bisexuals that turns me away from identifying as such? stereotypes: greedy, slutty, dirty, diseases, steal your honey.

* is it a question of homo-authenticity? in the gay/lesbian community many believe that you are either straight or gay and there is no in between. if you're bi, you're really just a straighty trying to be "in", or gay/lesbian who just hasnt fully made it over the fence yet. 100% is the only option - otherwise you're not "real"

* is it because id lose all my gay friends? no one wants you if you're not 100% b/c you "dont experience all the perils of being 100%". no joke.

* is it a question of being overlooked by heteros? i cant imagine going home with a guy and having my family completely forget that i love women. would they think being gay had been a phase? would they assume i went straight? would i feel the need to talk about being gay constantly just to make sure they didnt forget or overlook the gay community?

lips

morning cracks beneath dreamy street music /
sounding off blue wild flowers /
almost smelling like naked wine from your lips

i was a teenage werewolf

i dream about school a lot. usually the school reminds me of Eisenhower Middle, with a big domed circley building where all the classrooms live, and the office is in the center.

i think this was my first ever werewolf dream... at least, that i can remember.

at first it seemed that only one or two people were werewolves. i couldnt be sure who was or wasn't because, lets face it, most teenagers look the same.

although i never made a habit of wandering around school in the dark, it was night time and the ground was the charcol grey color of a recent rain. a yellow lamp light reflected off the pavement.

this boy came toward me, quickly i realized he must be a werewolf. of course, this prompted him to know that i knew, consequently requiring him to open his mouth, having his massive werewolf teeth and gums jump out at me (see Alien the movie), which was really the only way you could actually confirm someone was a werewolf.

like any rational teenager confronted by a werewolf i ran for the nearest series of deadends... mostly consisting of classrooms with second doors and bathrooms with small windows.

once inside, i attempted to close and lock the door. to no one's surprise but my own, the werewolf would arrive at the door just as i nearly had it shut and s/he would push at the door, preventing me from completely closing it, which of course hampers my ability to lock the door and be safe from harm.

quickly, i realized that there were many many werewolves. instinctively, the moment that i recognized someone was a werewolf, they simultaneously recognized that i was fair game. this caused me much panic.

finally, it occurred to me that i was dreaming. (yeah, im a lucid dreamer and can do some wicked cool shtuff). i remembered that werewolves could not fly and immediately lept into the air, hovering as long as possible before needing to return to the ground to make another leap (play Nintendo's Mario 3 for examples).

after several successful leaps bringing me into the bright sunshiney day, i woke up with an urge to pee and went directly to the bathroom. my classmate was in there too, so i closed the door, dropped my pajama pants and promptly sat on the toilet. as i was groggily telling her about my dream i looked up at the door and the medicine cabinet to the left. wait, my medicine cabinet doesnt have a silver nob... im still dreaming. a werewolf breaks through the door....